Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief
by Dirty Reid
Summary: What if Deidara and Sasori were partners, but never joined Akatsuki? What if a 6 year old Naruto was left beaten outside Konoha? What if Deidara and Sasori found him?
1. The Chosen Successor

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**The Fourth Epic story by Dirty Reid**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Caveat: Any similarities to Evilmidgetgod14's 'Mist Made Fox' and Tsunami227's 'Puppeteer' is purely coincidental.**

It was a calm day above the Fire Country. The sky was the nicest shade of blue with only a couple of puffy white clouds floating through the sky. A gentle breeze would appear here or there, but the skies were as calm as the two people riding through them.

Deidara loved flying. He felt so free with the wind at his back or flying past his face. The sound of his duster cloak flapping in the wind sounded so satisfying. The blonde man also wore a tank top and fishnet shirt with orange sunglasses and black pants. On both sides of his waist were small duffel bags filled with clay that he used for his explosives. Flying was one of the ways he could just forget all of his troubles for a couple of minutes. Sometimes he simply wanted to stop being a ninja and sail through the skies forever. This was something he sorely wished to do; forget his past. Deidara was a nukenin from Iwagakure. He had been exiled four years ago after he was found guilty of blowing up the Tsuchikage's Tower, thereby killing the Tsuchikage. Some ninja would think this was a huge accomplishment. But the guilt of killing a leader (Even though he was a tyrant) of a ninja village (More importantly his own) weighed heavily upon Deidara's heart. With a sigh of contentment, the nineteen year old nin glanced at his partner.

"Beautiful day for flying, eh Sasori?" Deidara asked with a smile. The man called Sasori looked at his blonde counterpart and nodded. Sasori was a rather unusual ninja. He looked like a boy in his mid-teens, but he was actually in his late twenties. How he did this, Deidara didn't know. But he was fairly sure that it had something to do with Sasori's Hitokugutsu (Human Puppet) abilities. Sasori was a puppet master from Sunagakure, and one of the best at that. He had left Suna about ten years ago, after kidnapping and murdering the Sandaime Kazekage to use as a special puppet. Nobody had known who the kidnapper was, but Sasori's flight had led them to the conclusion that it was indeed him. For years the Suna forces had attempted to capture Sasori, only two attempts were good enough to come close enough to killing him though. Both of the assassination attempts had failed when Sasori was able to pull himself back together after being dismantled. He slaughtered the squads, and then fled. Deidara had witnessed the second attempt from afar, and had been impressed by Sasori's abilities. Some time later, Deidara had confronted Sasori. He had then proposed that they travel together to ensure that they survived the continued assassination attempts made on them. Sasori had only agreed because Deidara was also an art lover. They had been on rocky grounds at first, but after a year of traveling together, they had formed a tight friendship and earned the name "The Nigako" (Two Artists). While they were close friends, they still often argued about what art was. Deidara claimed that art was transient; something that existed for a brief flash before disappearing from existence. Whereas Sasori believed that fine art was immortal, and was something that was left long in the future. The two had different views on art due to the jutsu that they used. Deidara used clay bombs as his method of attacking. Usually this art tended to not last long. Sasori used puppets made from preserved humans. He could reassemble this art if it were damaged; creating his opinion that art was everlasting. If one who didn't know who these two nukenin were and they saw them arguing about art, one would say that they hated each other with a fiery passion. Usually these opinions tended to be wrong. The Nigakou were the best of friends, and often dropped the façade of a pair of deadly, murderous nukenin when alone. Their personalities from before they went bad tended to surface when they were together. Ironically they both acted rather childish at that point, often joking about, wrestling, and starting food fights. But right now, they had a mission.

Deidara was flying them towards Konohagakure no Sato. Their mission wasn't an official one, but rather a goal. The Nigakou had been traveling from country to country, intending to learn any jutsus they could. Currently, they had an extensive library of Doton and Futon jutsus, and a decent supply of Suiton jutsu. They had a couple of Raiton jutsu, but had absolutely no Katon jutsus. This was precisely why they were traveling to Konoha; to pick up a couple of Katon scrolls and increase their strength. Both of the nukenin smiled as they began to descend as Konoha came into sight. As they approached the walls of the village, Sasori looked down upon the small clearings out of boredom. Nothing interesting was in them. But one of them caught his eye.

"Chotto matte, Deidara! Turn around for a second, there was someone in that clearing back there!" Sasori exclaimed. Curiosity piqued, Deidara manoeuvered the clay bird they were riding back towards the small clearing. Hovering over it and quickly touching down, Deidara scanned the clearing. He gasped at what he saw.

It was a small boy. He was lying face down in the grass, and his white shirt and grey pants were covered in streaks of dirt and blood. The kid had blonde hair that stuck out at all angles. From what he could see, the kid was covered in bruises and cuts. Deidara was shocked and sickened. Sasori looked disgusted as he bounded over to the boy. He crouched down and laid a finger on the boy's neck.

"He's alive," Sasori stated. "question is, what do we do with him?" the puppet master asked. Deidara looked at his fellow artist like he was stupid.

"Well, it's kind of obvious, yeah. We take him into Konoha, bring him to the hospital, and steal the scrolls on our way out!" Deidara explained. Sasori frowned.

"Yeah, you see Deidara; you forget that we're listed as _S-class criminals_ in the Bingo Book. I really don't think that we would be able to sneak into Konoha without getting caught. If we were found on the way out, I don't think we'd get out alive, even as skilled as we are." Sasori explained. Deidara sighed in defeat. He could only think of one other option, and Sasori would not like it at all...

"Well, that means that there's only one other option that we have; we take him with us and heal him on our own, yeah." Deidara replied in a firm voice. Sasori's face was hard.

"Are you kidding me? We can't raise a kid like this! We're highly wanted criminals, and the oinin that come after us would kill the kid too. I don't care what you think of this Deidara, but I can't stand to see children slaughtered!" Sasori shouted the last part. Deidara was surprised at the outburst from his normally cool teammate, but he intended to keep trying. He also could not stand people who abused children.

"Well then why not train him? We could teach him a couple of our tricks so that he could fend for himself when we bring him back or if he gets attacked with us, yeah." Deidara offered. Sasori looked surprised, then disdainful.

"I don't know how you could teach him anything. You don't use a lot of jutsus and he doesn't have your Kekkei Genkai. That would leave-"

"Urucee, Sasori! I will be able to teach him stuff. For your information, my abilities are the result of a fuuinjutsu gone wrong, yeah. I was trying to have a seal put on myself that would give me a place to carry my clay for when I wanted to do some sculpting. But the person that was putting that seal on me screwed up and I got these bomb-moulding hands. That's what led me to be a shinobi." Deidara shot back at Sasori. The puppet nin's eyes widened as Deidara told him his story. The clay sculptor turned ninja took advantage of Sasori's silence and pressed on.

"Now Sasori, there are two options here. One; we can continue this argument and eventually you can do things my way, yeah." Deidara said as he removed his sunglasses. "Or two, we can avoid this argument and you can just say yes right now." He finished. Sasori scowled. Deidara was extremely stubborn, and would not quit until he got what he wanted. Sasori knew he was fighting a losing battle, and he didn't want to see this kid killed or die because of his injuries. He sighed, rattling the equipment on his back.

"Fine, let's get him out of here. I think I saw a cave nearby." Sasori said as he stood up and picked the little boy up. He jumped back onto Deidara's bird and it took off before Deidara could jump on. Sasori laughed as he watched a pissed Deidara shrink as he flew off.

"SASORI YOU FUCKTARD! GET YOUR SHINY, PUPPET ASS BACK HERE!" Deidara screeched. Sasori just laughed harder.

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes and tried to sit up. Bad idea. His muscles screamed in protest, even with his accelerated healing factor. He simply laid back and stayed still, waiting to recover. After a moment, he opened his eyes, but they were not greeted by the blue sky of the clearing he had been beaten in. He was instead greeted by the stone ceiling of a cave, with a faint light to his right. His muscles were not as stiff now, and he attempted to sit up again. His muscles were still sore, and he groaned in pain.

"Oh good, he's awake, yeah." Came a voice. Naruto froze in shock. Had the angry villagers moved him so that they could completely kill him this time? Naruto turned his head slowly and looked for the owner of the voice. He saw two people sitting facing the entrance of the cave, but turned to face him. One of them had a blond ponytail with a flop of hair covering his left eye. He had a smooth, angular face that was staring at him with a not unkind smirk on his face. He had on a tank top and fishnet shirt combo, covered by a duster cloak with black sweatpants and a set of orange sunglasses.

The other one was a teenage boy with flaming red hair. He was wearing a black long sleeve shirt and sweatpants. He was wearing a huge cloak that appeared to have a small bulge in the back of it. Currently, both of them were staring at him.

"You feeling okay, kid?" asked the redhead. Naruto shrank back in fear.

"Please don't hurt me! I didn't do anything!" Naruto cried, curling up and shrinking back. The blonde man frowned.

"Why would we want to hurt you? You haven't done anything wrong, yeah." He said to the boy as he stood up and walked towards him. Naruto began to inch away. The redhead saw the fear in his eyes and got up to accompany the blonde.

"Stop worrying kid, we're not going to hurt you. We were the ones who saved you from dying." The redhead said to him, crouching down and looking him in the eyes. Naruto stared into the redhead's eyes, and found not a trace of deceit or malice. Naruto also saw several emotions that he himself kept hidden: sadness, loneliness, depression. Looking at the blonde, he saw several of the same emotions in his own eyes.

"Who are you two?" he asked, with more curiosity than fear in his eyes. The blonde man smiled warmly and crouched down in front of the little boy.

"My name is Deidara," Deidara introduced himself, flashing the kid a genuinely happy smile. Naruto hesitantly returned the smile a little bit. "and this bucket of bolts over here is Sasori, yeah." Deidara jerked his thumb over and pointed at Sasori who scowled at his blonde friend. Naruto looked confused.

"Sasori doesn't look like a machine, Deidara-niisan. What are you talking about?" Naruto asked. Deidara's visible eye widened as the kid attached the 'niisan' suffix to his name. Deidara snickered evilly and yanked Sasori's arm upwards, and unscrewed it. The kid gasped when he saw Sasori's detached metal arm with its flamethrower attachment. His eyes widened in shock, and then admiration.

"SUGOI!!! THAT IS _SO COOL_!!" Naruto yelled, causing Deidara to wince. This kid could probably burst his eardrums if he got any louder. Sasori chuckled as he pulled his sleeve back down. Deidara was scowling as he drilled his finger into his ear.

"Oh, we never got your name kid." Sasori said to him, staring resumed. Naruto smiled foxily.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto: the next Hokage!" Naruto proclaimed loudly. Sasori's face was expressionless for a moment, but it split into a huge grin after a second. Deidara mirrored the grin.

"Well that's just great Naruto, yeah. Tell me, do you have any ninja training so far?" Deidara asked. Naruto looked downwards a little bit.

"No, but I can learn quickly! Do you know someone who can teach me?" Naruto exclaimed the last part. Sasori and Deidara looked at each other, and back at the little blonde.

"Well Naruto, _we're_ highly skilled ninjas, and we'll both be more than willing to teach you some stuff to help you survive from... uh... what _did_ happen to you that made you ended up lying about beaten up in the forest?" Sasori asked. Deidara had removed his sunglasses and was listening intently. Naruto's happy expression became depressed.

"It was the villagers. They hate me for some reason, and I don't know why. They call me 'monster' and 'demon' and 'fox' all the time. All the parents tell their kids not to play with me, and the only people who are nice to me are Hokage-ojiji and Teuchi-ojiji." Naruto's voice quieted at the last point. Deidara and Sasori's faces looked rather sympathetic, and soon replaced by a cold fury. But it was not directed at Naruto. Sasori looked at Deidara nervously as the blonde began to reach into one of the pouches on his waist. Fast as lightning, the redhead had the raging blonde in a full nelson.

"C'MON SASORI, LEMME GO, YEAH! LET ME JUST BLOW UP A QUARTER OF KONOHA FOR THEIR CRIMES!!!" Deidara screamed, flailing about with his eyes burning a demonic red. Naruto shrank back with a sweatdrop. Sasori looked at Naruto with a disarming grin.

"Deidara does this a lot Naruto; you're gonna have to get used to it." Sasori explained as Deidara calmed down. It was only then that Naruto noticed the mouths in Deidara's palms and became curious.

"Ne, Deidara-niisan, what are those mouths in your hands for? Biting peoples' butts or something?" Naruto asked. Deidara looked at him blankly for a second, and then threw back his head and howled with laughter. Sasori joined in after a moment.

"Ah, ha ha ha ha, ooh, that was (giggle) funny Naruto (snicker), yeah. I've actually never thought about that. But no, these mouths aren't for that. Here, let me show you what they're for." Deidara said as he reached into the left pouch and pulled out some clay, which he showed to Naruto before consuming it with his hand. He motioned for Naruto to follow him, and the little boy complied. But not without some support from Sasori. Once outside, Deidara had finished with the little clay piece, and his hand spat it out. Deidara turned and opened his hand to show Naruto the small clay spider that he had moulded. Naruto's eyes showed fascination as he reached out to touch it. Deidara pulled it away quickly.

"I wouldn't touch that Naruto. This little spider is actually a very high powered explosive, yeah." Deidara explained as he set the small spider down on the ground. It crawled over to a nearby tree that was about twenty feet tall, and latched onto it. Deidara formed a ram seal and called "Katsu!" The spider exploded spectacularly, completely destroying the tree. Naruto's mouth had fallen open. Deidara grinned at the whisker-faced child.

"Cool, right?" Deidara asked Naruto, who nodded his head so fast that Deidara was sure it would fall from his shoulders. "Would you like to learn how to do that?" he asked, causing Naruto's eyes to take up half his face.

"HELL YES!" Naruto yelled, jumping up and down. Deidara chuckled at the smaller blonde's antics, and Sasori just smiled.

"Okay then kid, we've gotta find a place away from Konoha. The process of creating these mouths draws a lot of attention, yeah."

* * *

The two nukenin and small boy had stopped in a mountain range near the borders of Earth Country. It was up on a plateau between a trinity of mountains that Deidara was writing seals all along Naruto's arms.

"Uh, Deidara-niisan, what are you writing on my arm?" Naruto asked as he tried to restrain himself from giggling; that paint brush tickled.

"Well Naruto, these are seals. They are a special type of jutsu that can allow you to do many things, yeah. One of the more common uses is sealing things in scrolls. There are some other seals that can stop a person's chakra flow, and a couple of other types." Deidara said as he finished the seals on Naruto's arms. "You done yet Sasori?" Deidara asked his puppet master friend, who was drawing a large circle around the two blondes.

"I'm done Deidara; seal away!" Sasori called as he laid both of his hands on the circle. He began to pour chakra into it, and the circle glowed blue. Naruto eyed it with apprehension.

"Don't worry about that Naruto; it's a barrier to contain the energy you're going to be emitting when you get the mouths, yeah." Deidara explained as he began to run through seals. He stopped on the fifty-third, and grasped Naruto's arm yelling "FUUIN!"

All hell broke loose after that. There was a huge flux of energy emanating from Naruto's arms which caused him to scream in pain. Deidara wasn't faring too much better. The reason that this was happening was that Deidara had just performed an incomplete fuuinjutsu. The full jutsu was supposed to simply create a bottomless void in something which could hold an unlimited supply of objects. Deidara had tried to have this done to his arms so he could store clay back when he had wanted to be a simple artist as a hobby when he was a beginner ninja. But the idiot who had tried to put it on his arms had ended on the fifty-third seal, forgetting the fifty-fourth. This had lead to the ninja wiping out about an eighth of Iwa, and inadvertently given Deidara his clay-moulding palm mouths. When Deidara had experienced what these mouths could do, he quickly learned how to use them and became Iwagakure's one-man wrecking crew. Some time later, being kind of greedy, he had changed his trade to a homicidal explosive-specializing terrorist. This had led to him blowing up the Tsuchikage Tower, killing the Tsuchikage of the time. Deidara had immediately realized his wrongs in becoming a mercenary, and fled Iwa, tears staining his face and guilt crushing his heart. He only hoped that Naruto would not let the bomb ability go to his head and start blowing countries up.

He had spent so much time reminiscing about the past that he did not notice that the chakra field and the volume of Naruto's cries had died down. Seconds later, the two blondes collapsed. Sasori released the barrier and darted in to tend to them. Deidara was the first to recover. He groaned and rubbed his temples.

"We did it, yeah." He said as he weakly stood up. Naruto was unconscious upon the ground. Deidara patted his cheeks twice to wake him up. The blonde opened his eyes slowly, and immediately groaned in pain.

"Why do my hands hurt?" he asked weakly. Deidara's eyes widened; he had said the exact same thing when his fuuinjutsu attempt had gone wrong. He quickly picked Naruto's arms up... and smiled like a maniac. Two mouths had appeared in his palms. They looked exactly like Deidara's, but the teeth were a bit pointier.

"Fuuinjutsu: Success, YEAH!" Deidara screamed the 'yeah' that he added to most of his sentence endings. Naruto looked at his hands and whooped in victory.

"YATTA! I'M JUST LIKE DEIDARA-NIISAN NOW!" Naruto yelled. Sasori cleared his throat.

"Not yet kid. We've still got to train you." The puppet master said to him. Deidara grinned as he stood straight up and took off his sunglasses.

"As of now," Sasori stated, staring the six-year-old blonde in the eyes "you, Uzumaki Naruto, are the successor of Akasuna no Sasori (Sasori of the Red Sands) and Iwagakure no Deidara (Deidara of the Hidden Rocks). The future Master of Puppets and the future Demolition Chief." Sasori said as he stared out across the mountains. Deidara and Naruto joined in the staring.

The ninja world was about to be rocked.

**There we have it, the first chapter! R&R plz!**

**Dirty Reid**


	2. Grave Robbing and the Return

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**Chapter Two: Grave-Robbing and the Return**

**A.N.: Sorry it took so long to update peeps, but I was starting a new story and updating my other ones. But finally, here is the long awaited chapter 2 of Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief!!**

After the two nukenin had infiltrated Konoha and stolen a couple of jutsu scrolls, they immediately fled Fire Country and headed for the hideout that they had set up on an uninhabited island south of Kirigakure. Once the two missing-nin and their cute little apprentice had arrived, they got to learning from the Katon scroll and training Naruto. Figuring that he didn't know too much about chakra and jutsus, Deidara and Sasori started training his stamina and endurance. They were both extremely surprised that he could tackle anything that they threw at him, whether it be running three laps around the island, or climbing the small mountain in the centre.

Once Naruto had built up his stamina over the course of a year and a half, Deidara started to teach him a taijutsu style called the Tōrōken (Praying Mantis Fist). This fighting style relied primarily on fluid, circular motions to deflect attacks, which was followed by lightning fast strikes to the vital points of the opponent. Deidara said that the Tōrōken was more effective when a sharp weapon like knuckle knives or katars were used to go with it. When Naruto asked Deidara why he was a little rusty, Deidara sheepishly admitted that he had been practicing it less ever since he started using his bombs. In the light of knowing weapons would be more useful with the style, Sasori began to teach Naruto about weapons and how to use them effectively. Naruto listened and watched with rapt attention as Sasori activated all of his weapon extensions and demonstrated their uses. But what really threw him for a loop was when Sasori asked him which three he would like the most. Naruto began to jitter excitedly before Sasori gave him a warning.

"Don't just choose a weapon because you think its cool Naruto. You have to think it over and decide whether it would be useful or not." The puppet master explained. Naruto screwed his face up in concentration. After about ten seconds, he decided on using a katar for his right arm. Another minute passed before he picked a saw for his left. It was about two minutes before Naruto finally asked for a pair of flamethrowers on both of his wrists. When Deidara asked why he wanted two, he said "I may need some extra firepower... literally." Sasori snickered at Naruto's bad pun, and immediately went to the 'secret lab' to start making the weapons.

It was about five days later that Sasori finished the weapons, and started to teach Naruto how to use them. This usually meant that Sasori beat the crap out of Naruto who tried to defend himself. After six months, Naruto could hold his own against Sasori for about three minutes when Sasori was using a quarter of his strength. That alone was enough to impress the Nigakou. In turn for impressing them so, both of them began to teach Naruto about chakra. The small blonde had a little bit of trouble remembering everything about chakra and its properties, as he would occasionally fall asleep during the boring lectures. He abandoned this later because Sasori started to whack him on the head every time he fell asleep. They moved onto seals after the lectures were over. Naruto had trouble with the seals at first, but could perform them satisfactorily. Deidara and Sasori helped him perfect the seals by randomly shouting out the name of one of them for him to make. After he had gotten the seals down, they taught him a chakra control exercise; Naruto had to keep a kunai stuck to his head. After about three days of practice, Naruto progressed to keeping two kunai stuck to him. Then four. Then eight. Once he had decent control over his chakra, both of them taught him a low rank jutsu from their respective countries.

From Deidara, Naruto was taught a C-rank Doton jutsu, the Tsuchi Bunshin no jutsu (Earth Clone Technique). He managed to get the Bunshin to look exactly like him on his eighth try, impressing Deidara. Sasori taught him a D-rank Fūton jutsu, the Sōsenpu no jutsu (Twin Whirlwind Technique). This jutsu created two small tornadoes that flew in a circle around him at a moderate pace. It was not a very effective jutsu, as the tornadoes were not very strong and easy to dodge. Naruto managed to get this down with two tries. Sasori suspected that Naruto had an affinity for Fūton jutsu, and reminded himself to teach him some more powerful ones.

It was Naruto's eighth birthday, and the two nukenin had decided to start teaching him their individual arts, along with some more ninjutsu. Naruto was currently outside on his run around the island. How the kid would do it, Deidara would never know. They had baked him a huge surprise birthday cake for his eighth birthday. The cake almost took up the whole table. Naruto ate a freakish amount of food, and his two masters weren't exactly light eaters either. They would occasionally start food fights at random times, and Sasori had a sneaking suspicion that there would be one this time. The two of them were hiding, waiting to surprise the kid. Sure enough, the huge stone gate opened to reveal the now eight year old blonde. Said child looked confused that the lights were off, and flicked them on, not noticing the string attached to the switch. Immediately, streamers and confetti fell from the ceiling. A couple of fireworks went off, and a large banner fell from the ceiling that read 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY NARUTO' in large red kanji. Naruto looked back down to find his two senseis dressed in party attire. Deidara had a huge, polka dotted hat on his head that made him look ridiculous. Sasori was decked out in streamers, making him look like an anemone. Naruto giggled, but started to cry after a moment. Deidara and Sasori were immediately concerned.

"What's wrong Naruto?" Sasori asked, crouching down beside the blonde. Naruto wiped his tears and looked at the redhead.

"N-nobody's ever th-thrown me a b-birthday party before, S-Sasori-niisan. P-people would u-usually beat me u-up on my b-birthday." Naruto choked out, continuing to cry. Sasori just held the little kid in a tight, brotherly hug. Deidara joined in after a moment. Both of them vowed to train this kid enough to teach the Konoha pigs a lesson.

"Well Naruto, this cake is for you, and I don't want to let it go to waste, yeah." Deidara said casually. Naruto tensed up before he looked at the enormous cake and started salivating. The three quickly dug into the delicious treat. About halfway through the pig out, Sasori held up a piece of his cake and looked at Deidara slyly. Deidara eyes the redhead warily, and cried out in shock when Sasori slammed the cake into his face. Naruto began to laugh until a slice was sent flying into his own face. Deidara gave a war cry as he slung another piece of the cake at Sasori.

After about ten minutes of fighting with the cake, the three stopped and laughed it off. After they had cleaned up, the two nukenin mentioned the presents that they were going to give Naruto.

"What are they? What are they? What are they? Tellmetellmetellmetellme!" Naruto babbled.

"Well Naruto, seeing as you are our apprentice, we will teach you our respective arts. I will be teaching you the art of Puppetry." Sasori explained, summoning one of his puppets.

"And I will be teaching you how to use clay bombs, yeah." Deidara added, showing him a small bird. Naruto's eyes almost popped out of his head.

"YATTA!!" He shouted, jumping for joy.

* * *

It was early the next morning and the two nukenin and their cute apprentice were standing outside the nondescript looking hideout. 

"Okay Naruto, listen up. In order to perform the Kugutsu no jutsu (Puppet Technique), you must learn how to make chakra strings. In order to do this, you must release a constant stream of chakra from the tip of your finger, like so." Sasori held his hands out towards one of his smaller, eight-limbed puppets that wasn't made from a corpse. It had two black eyes, six arms, and two legs. Five thin blue strings shot out of his right hand, and three from his left. The strings attached to the puppet, and Sasori made it move around. After making the puppet reveal some of its hidden weapons such as senbon packets, shuriken launchers, and a tail, Sasori turned to Naruto.

"In order to make the puppet use specific motions such as extending a poison needle or shooting kunai, a specific finger motion needs to be used. But for now Naruto, I just want you to try and produce a single chakra string and maintain it. Once you have done that, progress to two and so on." Sasori instructed. Naruto nodded and began to mould some chakra. After a moment, he extended his right index finger and a short string of chakra shot out of it. It was a little bit thicker than Sasori's and flickered out of existence a moment later. Frowning, Naruto kept trying. After about half an hour, he managed to get the chakra string perfected. Three days later, he was able to produce and maintain four of them. Another day, two more strings. And on the sixth day, Naruto was able to produce ten full chakra strings. He called Sasori out and asked him to summon that eight-limbed puppet. Sasori did so, and his jaw dropped when Naruto attached eight chakra strings to the puppet and made it charge at him.

"Good job Naruto! You mastered the chakra strings a lot faster than I did! As a reward, you get to have this puppet." Sasori handed Naruto the puppet, and the new puppeteer grinned thoughtfully as he looked the puppet over.

"I'll name you Sasoriza (Scorpion (Constellation))." Naruto said more to himself. Sasori began to teach Naruto the finger movements required to make the puppet perform attacks. Naruto would mess up every now and then, but he quickly corrected his mistakes. Very soon he could control Sasoriza effectively enough that he could probably take out an experienced Genin if he went all out.

Seeing that Naruto was progressing well in the field of puppetry, Deidara started to teach Naruto how to make explosives.

"Creating the explosive clay is a very delicate process, yeah. How much chakra you use in moulding it will determine how powerful the explosion is, yeah. I myself grade them like this; C-1 being the weakest, having the power of a couple explosive notes. C-2 has the power of a Bunshin Daibakuha (Clone Great Explosion) yeah. C-3 is an enormous bomb that could level a large village, yeah. And finally, C-4 is a bomb that creates tiny bombs that get inside your enemy, and blow him up from the inside, yeah." Deidara explained. He then pulled a small amount of clay from one of his pouches. He let his palm mouths swallow and start to chew it, while imbuing it with a little bit of chakra. After about ten seconds, the mouth spat out a mass of significantly lighter-coloured clay. Deidara closed his palm and began to squeeze the clay. He opened his palm to reveal a canary-like bird. He threw it up into the air, and it began to flap its little wings rapidly. Once it had ascended a short distance, Deidara formed a ram seal and commanded "Katsu!" The clay bird gave off a small explosion. Deidara looked at Naruto and handed him a small handful of clay.

"Now you try, yeah. And remember, just a _little_ chakra." Deidara warned. Naruto nodded while rolling his eyes. He let the palm in his hand swallow the clay, and it started to chew. Twenty or so seconds later, the mouth spat out a blob of clay which Naruto began to mould into a bird shape. A few seconds passed, and Naruto looked at his finished masterpiece.

The bird wasn't half bad looking. Its body was thin and it had a wide tail for greater manoeuvrability. The flaws were that the right wing was shorter and broader than the left, and the face and beak were curved to the side. Naruto tossed it up in the air, where it attempted to fly. Unfortunately, due to the difference in the wing size, it fell to the ground and began to smoke. Deidara gasped.

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, YEAH! IT'S GONNA BLOW!" he screamed before sprinting away as fast as he could. Naruto followed quickly.

But neither of the two pyromaniacs was fast enough. The small bird sparked before letting off a spectacular, flaming explosion.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" the two pyromaniacs cried as the shockwave threw them from their feet and simultaneously entered Dreamland.

* * *

Sasori shook his head as he used his Sandaime Kazekage puppet's Satetsu (Iron Sand) ability to carry the two blondes back into the hideout. He could sometimes be amazed at the stupidity that his blonde buddy had. Once he set the two down on their beds, he retreated to the lab. He had just gotten back from Suna and Kumo with a couple of corpses and lots of metal. Once he had shut the door, he laid the corpse of a Suna Jounin named Hiruko on the table. He pulled out his scalpels, drills and needles and began to work...

* * *

Naruto felt like the entire populace of Konoha had been using his head as a ball for kicking around. Groaning, he sat up and surveyed his surroundings. He was on his bed and Deidara was lying soundly on his own. Naruto looked at the clock and became confused. They had started training at 8:30 AM... so why was it 7:42AM? Naruto didn't have time to dwell on this thought; Deidara had awoken from his sleep. He rubbed his head and turned to his younger blonde. 

"Well, that was a decent attempt Naruto, yeah. I didn't expect you to do so well on your first try." Deidara appraised. Naruto looked proud of himself before looking around.

"I wonder where Sasori-niisan got to." Naruto murmured quietly.

"Looking for me?" whispered a deep, husky voice that made Naruto's hair stand on end. He looked to the left to see an unfamiliar looking man crouching near the door of the lab. He had a dark, tanned face with five or six braids running along his head and flaring up at the back. The lower half of his face was covered by a mask. While his right arm looked normal, his left arm was metallic and had a huge cylinder on the lower arm. On his back was a large reddish-orange shell in the shape of a face. Protruding from the open mouth was a long metal scorpion tail that was waving gently about. Only three people knew about the hideout, and two of them were lying on beds. That meant...

"_Sasori_? Is that you?" Deidara gasped, raising his visible eyebrow. Sasori let out a dark chuckle.

"Yes, it's me Deidara. And before you ask, you were out for the rest of the day. I suppose you're wondering why I look like this?" Sasori received two nods. "Well, puppet masters are often left vulnerable, as they're usually not good at close range combat. What this 'new look' is, is a Hitokugutsu called Hiruko that serves as armour. Installed in the mouth and left arm are poisoned senbon and kunai launchers. The cylinder on my right arm is a sort of missile that launches senbon in random directions. The tail is for swatting or stabbing opponents who get too close. Sweet, right?" Sasori finished. Deidara was simply looking dumbstruck.

"I want one of those." Naruto said quietly. Sasori heard him and snickered.

"Well Naruto, I could probably teach you how to make a Hitokugutsu now, seeing as you're a natural at puppetry. Follow me." Sasori beckoned Naruto to follow him. Deidara accompanied him as well; he wanted to see how Sasori made his toys. That curiosity was decreased when the stench of the lab hit his nostrils. It reeked of blood, decay, and preservatives. If not for his incredibly strong stomach, Naruto was sure that he would've thrown up by now. Deidara had a faint green tinge on his face.

The process of making a Hitokugutsu was not pretty at all. The first stage was to cut the body open and remove the organs. The next thing Sasori did was drain out the rest of the blood and add preservatives so the body wouldn't decay. Once he had let the preservatives settle in, Sasori detached several parts of the body and added a few nasty looking weapons to it.

"Even though it is dead, a Hitokugutsu can still produce chakra and use jutsus. The other extremely beneficial attribute to these puppets is that if the original person had a Kekkei Genkai, they retain the ability to use it. Take my Sandaime Kazekage puppet for example; he had the ability to use the Satetsu, which is sand with magnetic properties." Sasori explained. He hefted the puppet that he had just created and handed it to Naruto. The weapons that Sasori had put into it were a bomb launcher, an extendable blade in the arms, and a large holding chamber in the chest that could have electricity channeled into it to cook a captured foe.

"You can use Gijo as your first Hitokugutsu Naruto. I saw him use several Fūton jutsu that I'm fairly sure you could learn easily. Think of it as a belated birthday present." Said Sasori as Naruto accepted Gijo. A thoughtful look was on Naruto's face.

"You said that Hitokugutsu retain any Kekkei Genkai that they originally had, right Sasori-niisan?" Naruto asked the changed puppet master, who nodded slowly. A sly smile made its way onto Naruto's face.

"Okay then. Deidara-niisan, Sasori-niisan, grab your shovels; we're going grave-robbing."

* * *

It was dark, gloomy, and creepy in the graveyard of Kirigakure. Grey clouds drifted across the black night sky. A faint mist hovered around the ground, making Naruto feel uncharacteristically like an actor from a horror movie. He shook his head to clear it as he saw Deidara darting from gravestone to gravestone, looking around warily and running in a crouching position. Sasori just shook his head and chuckled at his blonde friend's antics. 

"Remind me again why we're here, Naruto." Sasori whispered to his blonde apprentice.

"I just read in _The Kiri Reporter_ that the Kaguya clan had just gone on a killing rampage. Pretty much all of them are dead now, so the corpses should still be fresh. Think about it niisan; puppets with the Shikotsumyaku (Dead Bone Pulse) Kekkei Genkai." Naruto whispered to Sasori, whose eyes widened at the possibilities. He looked up at Deidara who was beckoning them to come to where he was. Naruto crept towards him slowly, while Sasori slouched forward. Looking around as an extra precaution, Naruto pulled out a small scroll, bit his thumb, and wiped it across the scroll. Two shovels appeared out of the scroll, and Naruto handed Deidara one. The two blondes began to dig up the graves of two recently deceased Kaguya while Sasori kept watch.

After about two minutes and a lot of sweat later, Deidara and Naruto managed to reach the coffins. Using Sasori's puppets, they were able to dig up the two coffins and extract the bodies of Kaguyas Katemaro and Kukodoku. Sasori quickly sealed the bodies into a scroll, and was about to bolt.

"Chotto matte Sasori-niisan! This section of the graveyard is where all of the ninja with bloodlines are! Maybe we should try and dig up a few of them." Naruto suggested. Sasori quickly agreed and went to search for graves that had been dug recently.

After an hour and a ninjutsu investigation, Sasori and Naruto had each dug up a member of the Hozuki clan, who could turn themselves into water at will **(A.N.: Suigetsu's clan)**, and a member of an unnamed clan that could manipulate water at will and use Hyoton jutsu. Naruto was likin' his puppet collection already. Deidara was starting to look anxious for some reason.

"What's wrong Deidara?" Sasori asked, Hiruko's beady eyes showing concern.

"Oh, nothing you need to worry about Sasori, yeah. I just don't like graveyards very much, that's all. I keep thinking that zombies will just burst out of the ground and eat our brains out for disturbing their slumber, yeah." Deidara responded in an unusually high voice. Naruto raised one of his eyebrows as a nasty idea for a prank entered his head.

As they were walking stealthily out of the graveyard, Naruto discreetly sent a couple chakra strings into a nondescript, but old grave. As Deidara and Sasori were walking by, Naruto jerked the string, making a decayed arm shoot out of the grave. Deidara and Sasori jumped a mile high and paled in the face (Yeah, Hiruko did that). Ducking behind a grave, Naruto manipulated the chakra strings further, making the dirty, bloody, decaying corpse of a man work his way out of the grave. Deidara's hair was standing straight up, and Sasori was clanking about. Naruto snickered before he used his best zombie voice to scare his senseis.

"Ku ku ku ku, what hhhaavve wweee hhherree? Ssoomme tasssty mmmorssselllsss!" Naruto whispered in his best zombie voice as he manipulated the corpse to raise its arms and stagger forward.

Both Deidara and Sasori let loose high pitched screams and fell to the ground as they tripped over a set of gravestones in an effort to get away. Naruto made the corpse advance for another couple of metres, and released the chakra strings. The corpse fell to the ground, and Naruto heard Deidara yell "HOLY SHIT!" Naruto couldn't take it anymore; he stood up from behind the gravestone and _laughed_. Deidara and Sasori looked at their howling apprentice in shock before screaming at him.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT! THAT WAS NOT FUNNY, YEAH! I DAMN NEAR SOILED MYSELF; I WAS SO SCARED THERE, YEAH!" Deidara screamed at him.

"NARUTO, YOU LITTLE BASTARD! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE SO I CAN STICK MY FUCKING TAIL UP IT!" Sasori bellowed. Naruto continued to laugh as he ran for his life. With tears of mirth blinding him, he didn't see the crowd of people that had gathered at the graveyard to find the cause of the commotion. Naruto only recognized that a crowd was there when he slammed into them. His laughter immediately stopped when he saw the huge horde of villagers and shinobi. Deidara and Sasori skidded to a halt just behind Naruto. Their eyes almost popped out of their heads when the robe-clad Mizukage himself stepped out from the crowd.

"What in the nine levels of burning Hell were you three doing in the graveyard?" he asked in barely more than a whisper. But that whisper alone carried in it so much murderous intent that Sasori felt like facing all of the combined Kazekages of Suna _without_ his Kazekage puppet, rather than this middle aged man. Deidara gulped nervously and pulled at the black neck of his sweater.

"Eh, heh, heh, heh, heh, oh nothing Mizukage-sama, yeah. J-just touring the l-lovely sights of Kiri is all, yeah." Deidara stammered. Naruto and Sasori sweatdropped.

"Deidara," Sasori sighed, smacking his puppet-masked head. "You're an asshole."

"I agree." Naruto seconded. The crowd now looked apprehensive; they knew that Deidara was an S-rank nukenin... so who were the hunchback with the tail and the kid?

"Well Deidara, seeing as you're standing right here, I guess we'll just have to kill you. I'm sure Tsuchikage-sama will be pleased to have your head on a plaque." Said the Mizukage as he discarded his robes. Underneath them was a deep blue set of armour with the kanji for 'Water' on the chest plate. He hefted a double-bladed broadsword that appeared to be made of some sort of glittering blue metal. On his left was a small, circular shield. Naruto jumped back and stood in between his niisans. He quickly whipped out a small scroll that he had been carrying and summoned his two puppets Sasoriza and Gijo. Deidara had already moulded some clay in his hands, and had a clay dragon ready. Sasori had pulled down his mask and his mouth was open.

"Naruto, you try and deal with the civilians. We'll take on the Mizukage and shinobi. Got it?" Sasori hissed to Naruto who nodded. For a moment, all was still.

Then the Mizukage charged.

The fifty or so followers ran straight after him. Naruto made Sasoriza open its mouth and four of its six hands to shoot poisoned kunai and senbon needles into the crowd at a high velocity. Some of the shinobi managed to evade them, while the civilians couldn't. Naruto watched with satisfaction as about eight or nine civilians and shinobi fall as they succumbed to the pain and poison of the kunai and senbon needles. He redirected Gijo to use its blade attachments to slash several civilians. They went down easily, but one of them got through. Leaving both of his puppets standing by a single string, Naruto began to fend off his attackers with his katar and now active saw. He could activate his saw by transferring a small amount of chakra into it. The input was so small, Sasori had told him, that if a five-year-old knew how to use chakra, they could keep the saw going for hours without significant drain.

Back to Naruto, he was feeling sickened at what he was doing. He never thought that killing would make him feel like this, but he knew that it was for survival. He quickly moulded a clay bird hastily and threw it into the crowd. Jumping back with his puppets in tow, Naruto formed a ram seal and yelled "KATSU!" The result was a large explosion that only took out three or four enemies. Shrugging, Naruto fired up his flamethrowers and blasted an approaching civilian before moving on to the next batch.

Sasori jumped back and fired another salvo of senbon from Hiruko's mouth. The ninja and Mizukage blocked the attack.

"Suiton: Suishōha!" (Water Release: Water Shockwave) the Mizukage shouted. A large wave of water seemed to seep up from the ground and hurl at Sasori. The puppet nin jumped out of the way just in time. He quickly discarded Hiruko, unraveled one of his scrolls, and wiped his blood on one of the 150 seal markings. There was a blast of smoke, and a large figure in a heavy black cloak with a ponytail appeared. The puppet's mouth opened, and a greyish substance started to float out of it.

"Sandaime Kazekage Kugutsu no jutsu: Satetsu Shigure!" (Third Wind Shadow Puppet Technique: Iron Sand Drizzle) Sasori cried. The puppet held out its arms and the grayish-black sand flew forwards in the shape of raindrops. The drops of poisonous sand flew at the attackers... and tore straight through them. Smirking, Sasori used the large tail-like wire in his midsection to attack the Mizukage. The kage dodged the attack and jumped towards Sasori, thrusting his sword at him. Sasori blocked the strike with his tail, but the segment that deflected the blade seemed to just freeze over with a thin sheen of ice.

'_If he touches me, I'm gonna be a human fucking ICICLE!'_ Sasori mentally screamed. The Mizukage smirked.

"I see you figured out Hyoken's (Ice Blade) power; it freezes whatever it comes in contact with." The kage explained. Sasori gulped as he summoned a few more puppets out of precaution.

Deidara threw another six birds into the crowd and detonated them. Only four civilians were killed, and the shinobi dodged around the explosion. Deidara started to use what he could of the Tōrōken, and was able to hold off a couple of his foes for a few minutes. But eventually, a sword-wielding nin managed to give him a cut across his hip. Deidara quickly took to the air and started attacking from long range.

The fight seemed to be going well for the Nigako and their apprentice. Sasori and Deidara had either incapacitated or killed most of the shinobi and civilians. Naruto had taken out most of the civilians, and even a couple of shinobi. Now, it was only the Mizukage standing against a pair of S-class nukenin and their apprentice.

"Pretty good you two. And to you kid, I'm impressed that you could take out a couple of Chuunin and Jounin level ninja." The Mizukage complimented as he began to fly through hand seals faster than any of the three had seen before.

"Suiton: Bakusui Shōha!" (Water Release: Exploding Water Shockwave) he called, spraying a tremendous torrent of water from his mouth and turning the graveyard into a huge, dirty, bloody swimming pool. Deidara flew up on a bird, and Sasori was standing on the water. Naruto, not knowing how to stand on the water or knowing how to make a large clay bird or swim, began to sink.

"NARUTO!" Sasori shouted as his blonde apprentice sank into the water. He started to sink in, but the Mizukage charged in and punched Sasori in the jaw. The heavy puppet master flew back a couple of feet and skidded along the water.

"Your fight is with me, Sasori. You don't have time to watch that little brat die." The Mizukage reprimanded him. Sasori growled. He reached onto his back and pulled a large scroll out. It unraveled and floated in the air above the puppeteer.

"You will pay for killing Naruto, you tyrant! Aka Higi: Hyakki no Sōen!" (Red Secret Technique: Performance of a Hundred Puppets) Sasori bellowed, as chakra strings flew out of his right chest. A hundred red-robed Hitokugutsu shot out of the scroll and surrounded the blue-armoured kage. Deidara had also moulded a larger clay statue that looked somewhat like a Buddhist monk. The Mizukage looked impressed.

"Interesting abilities you two. But can you-" he stopped as the water near him began to boil. He looked at the centre of the boiling water, and his eyes widened when a whirlpool started to spin. After a moment of the water rotating faster and faster, a figure rose out of it on a small pillar of water. Sasori, Deidara, and the Mizukage gasped at what they saw:

It was Naruto... but with a couple of new features. From what Deidara and Sasori could see from behind him, his hair was more wild and animalistic looking and his nails had become claws. From the front, the Mizukage was paralyzed; he thought he was looking into the face of a demon. The blonde boy's whisker marks had become more defined, his canines had elongated, and his blue eyes had become red with slitted pupils. What all three of them could see was a veil of blood red chakra that was covering the boy in the shape of a three-tailed fox. Seeing that red aura made something in Deidara's memory come together like the pieces of a puzzle.

'_Wait a second... what did Naruto say that the villagers called him...? Monster, demon, fox... and that red chakra... of course! Only one demon had red chakra, and that was the Kyuubi no Kitsune! But if I remember correctly, the Kyuubi was sealed away by the Yondaime. Then that must mean... Naruto's a Jinchuriki!'_ Deidara concluded. Naruto chuckled, but his real voice was overlaid by a voice far more sinister.

"**You will pay for trying to drown me... no, make that 'us' you mortal fool!"** said the overlapping voices of Naruto/Kyuubi before they blinked out of existence. The Mizukage tried to force himself to calm down, but it wouldn't come. He continued looking around for the boy, but saw nothing except for the two nukenin and a hundred puppets. A sudden popping noise caused him to look downwards. There were several flashes in the water, and the Mizukage jumped away as the explosions reached the surface. Huge geysers of water shot into the air, and Naruto/Kyuubi rode out on a small pillar of water.

"Suiton: Suigadan no jutsu!" (Water Release: Water Fang Bullet Technique) the Mizukage shouted. Five spiraling pillars of water shot up from the surface. The tips formed into sharp spikes and made a beeline for Naruto. The little blonde flipped and twisted out of the way, and even sliced one of the Suigadan with his claws.

"**Maninpo: Taiatari Bunshin no jutsu!"** (Demonic Ninja Art: Suicidal Bombing Replication Technique) Naruto/Kyuubi countered. A Bunshin appeared out of midair, and flew straight towards the Mizukage. It had its arms tucked into its sides and was flying headfirst, making it looked like a demon chakra-covered missile. The Mizukage managed to evade the speeding clone which blew up when it hit the water, sending out huge shockwaves. The Mizukage was momentarily stunned, but was forced back into reality when a chakra claw sank into his side. He screamed as the claw burned him, but did not cut him. His scream was silenced when Naruto hit him in the solar plexus. Naruto slugged him in the gut a few more times until he kicked the kage away. The two locked in a furious taijutsu match that was damn near impossible for Sasori and Deidara to follow. For a couple of minutes, neither kage nor Jinchuriki seemed to be gaining the upper hand. But Naruto jumped away from the Mizukage a moment later, and shot a large clay octopus at him. The kage tried to pry the clay octopus off of his chest, but Naruto placed his hand on the octopus' head and shouted **"Dendōse!"** (Electric current) The Mizukage screamed as the electricity coursed through his body. The octopus disappeared, and Naruto/Kyuubi shoved the kage's head under the water. The red chakra covering his arms wrapped around the kage's arms and legs, restraining him. The kage struggled for a moment, but became still and Naruto pulled the dead kage out of the water. Sasori and Deidara were looking horrified; a kid who wasn't even a Genin just took out a kage level ninja. The aura around Naruto began to recede, and the blonde boy fell unconscious.

* * *

Naruto awoke to the sight of his niisans staring at him. He groaned and rubbed his temples as he sat up. 

"Ugh, who's been using me as a shoe mat?" Naruto groaned, blinking his eyes hard.

"Uh, Naruto, do you remember what happened back in the graveyard?" Sasori asked. Naruto noted that he wasn't wearing Hiruko, and there was concern in his eyes.

"Yeah... we were grave-robbing for Hitokugutsu, and we ran into a bunch of gatecrashers. We managed to defeat them, and were about to attack the Mizukage, but he used some technique to turn the graveyard into a lake. The last thing I remember clearly is sinking. I had a couple of hazy visions where I was attacking the Mizukage but wasn't making my body move." Naruto recited. Deidara and Sasori looked at each other.

"Naruto... was there ever a demon that attacked your village?" Deidara asked.

"Of course! The Kyuubi attacked Konoha eight years ago, but the Yondaime fought and killed it at the cost of his life! Why do you ask?" Naruto finished, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head to the side. Sasori sighed.

"We think that that's a lie Naruto. No, we're not denying that your Yondaime was strong; we're just saying that a Bijuu is too strong to be killed. They can, however, be sealed away. But the only way that they can be properly contained is by sealing them in a child whose chakra coils had not developed yet. What day did the Kyuubi attack Konoha?" the puppet master asked, eyeing Naruto critically.

"October tenth, but how does... oh, Kami-sama." Naruto gasped as all of the pieces fell into place: the glares, the beatings, the names, the hate, and the assassination attempts.

"You see Naruto; you're what people would call a 'Jinchuriki', yeah. Jinchuriki are people with demon spirits sealed inside them. However, that DOES NOT make you a demon, yeah. You are what you choose to be. And as you barely remember, Jinchuriki possess ungodly power as you demonstrated when you murdered the Mizukage, yeah." Deidara explained. At the final statement, Naruto's eyes became as wide as dinner plates.

"I killed the Mizukage while the Kyuubi was taking over?" Naruto asked incredulously. Sasori smirked and held up the dead body of the ex-tyrannical ruler. A smirk made its way onto Naruto's face that matched his niisans'.

"Heh, this is kind of ironic. Sasori-niisan murdered the Sandaime Kazekage, and I murdered the Sandaime Mizukage." Naruto said with a small snicker.

"Hey, don't forget me, yeah. I killed a Tsuchikage!" Deidara piped in. All three of the 'Kage Killers' laughed.

**Time skip: 4 years later**

A young blonde sighed in contentment as the wind whipped at his face. He sighed again and looked back on his six years of training. In those six years, he had gained enough stamina to run from Konoha to Suna within two days. His chakra control was good enough so that he could form a small amount of healing chakra. Not a lot, but enough to stop internal bleeding should it happen. He had also invented a new form of the Kugutsu no jutsu; branching chakra strings. What this modified style did was shoot a simple chakra string from his finger... which expanded into five. He could control a whole puppet with a single string, and with five on each finger, he could control fifty at a time.

Naruto had originally developed this modified jutsu in order to create his ultimate puppet move: Kīroi Higi: Hakki no Sōen (Yellow Secret Technique: Performance of Fifty Puppets). This move was exactly like Sasori's Hyakki, but with half the puppets. With this jutsu, Naruto had brought down a small village of ninja mercenaries and bounty hunters. But Naruto's favourite puppet (Next to his Sandaime Mizukage puppet, that is) was Yon. Yon was modeled after Sasori's Hiruko, but altered. Yon, as the name implied, had four thinner tails instead of one that Naruto could control. And instead of a scorpion's tail, Yon's tails were modeled after fox tails. And instead of completely covering Naruto's body, it only served as body armour. On his left arm was a senbon barrel. This device launched packets of poisoned senbon needles, and revolved to the next slug with a tiny push of chakra. On his right arm was a vibro-katar. This katar was like a normal one, but it vibrated rapidly when chakra was pushed into it, giving it the ability to slice through almost anything.

Naruto had also learned how to infuse Kyuubi's chakra with his clay bombs. The fox's chakra made the bombs take on the features of whatever they were moulded to look like. For example: if he moulded a clay falcon with Kyuubi's chakra, the falcon would become coloured to the likeness of a falcon. Kyuubi's chakra also made his clay bombs go much faster; so fast that even Naruto had trouble keeping up with them. They also left a blood red trail behind them. Naruto's Kyuubi powered bombs were also much more deadly than Deidara's bombs. One of Naruto's C-1 bombs with Kyuubi's chakra was equivalent to about five of Deidara's C-1 bombs. One of Naruto's Kyuubi C-2s was about as powerful as Deidara's C-3 bombs. And Naruto had only used his Kyuubi C-3 once. What was once an enormous industrial city that spanned for almost twenty kilometres was now a huge crater hundreds of feet deep. But despite him using both arts, the only art he recognized as true art were the culinary arts. Deidara and Sasori had, of course, been comically traumatized when Naruto had admitted that.

But Naruto had not grown arrogant or overconfident as he mastered puppetry, pyrotechnics, and all of the jutsu scrolls (Including the forbidden ones) that the newly named 'Sangako' (Three Artists) had acquired. Naruto was actually quite humble about his abilities, often opting to improve himself.

Not only had his mind grown so had he. He now stood about 5'2'' and was not buff, nor skinny; just a little bigger than being slender. He had grown his hair to his shoulders in an almost mullet style, but not. The hairdo, along with not always wearing that goofy fake smile all the time, earned him lustful looks from girls wherever he went. His wardrobe consisted of a dark red shirt and a black velvet jacket. He also wore fancy black pants and a set of ninja zori. Of course, most of his clothing was covered by Yon, but that didn't matter, the puppet would be off of him soon anyways.

Why? Because it was Naruto's twelfth birthday; and his niisans were taking him to Otogakure to do a little partying. Oto was a village that used sound-based attacks, and they also excelled in modern technology. This naturally led them to having quite a few dance clubs that were for ninja only. Naruto could see one or two of the clubs' lights as the Sangakou descended towards Oto.

The three ninja had landed and were walking through the streets of the village with all of their weapons sealed away. It was a relatively small village, and there weren't a lot of civilians. But the ninja forces were mostly made up of nukenin from other countries. Not wanting to be recognized, Deidara and Sasori had placed Henges on themselves to avoid being recognized. After walking for a while, they found a club that was admitting all ages. Releasing the Henge, the Sangakou walked into the lively club.

Lights flashed everywhere and the music was blaring. Sasori grinned as he went off to do some 'babe watching'. Deidara giggled perversely as he weaved his way through the hordes of people. Naruto began to get his groove on as he wove through the crowd. The girls, upon seeing a handsome blonde-haired blue-eyed boy, naturally flocked to him. If Naruto had to guess, he would assume that the age range was between eleven and nineteen. Naruto grinned at all the attention he was getting and returned the favour by dancing with as many of them as he could. It was only after a while that he noticed that it was only the more skanky girls that were dancing with him. Naruto began to detach himself from the horde of women after a little bit. He began observing the club for any particular girl that caught his eye.

And find one he did. She looked to be a year or two older than him, and was standing off by herself a little bit. Why a beauty like her was alone, Naruto knew not. She was wearing a white shirt that let her dark bra show through, accentuating her bust quite nicely. She was wearing a black skirt with a loose belt that fell to just above her knees, showing off her shapely legs. She had a thin, angular face with slanted eyes and long lashes that were bereft of copious amounts of makeup. She had twinkling black eyes and full lips to which were uncovered by her waist length hair that was tied back in a purple ribbon. Naruto couldn't help but stare for a second before he made his way over to her. He grew a little concerned when he saw that she was crying.

"Why are you standing all alone over here?" he asked her softly. She jumped a little before she turned to him and wiped a tear from her eye.

"M-my b-boyfriend d-dumped me for some h-hussy in here, b-but why do you care?" she asked softly, her puffy red eyes curious.

"Well I just noticed you standing over here all alone, and I have an irresistible need to help people whenever I can." Naruto retorted. "Can I help you at all?" he added. She had now turned to face him completely, and was drawing closer.

"You can b-be my shoulder to cry on." She whispered before she buried her face into his chest and clung to him, crying softly. Completely shocked at first, Naruto didn't know what to do. After a second, he wrapped his arms gently around her and stroked her back and hair softly. While he was comforting her, he saw Sasori surrounded by a horde of girls who were all squealing as he shook his (literal) buns of steel. Looking a little further, Deidara was laying in a chair with a couple of girls pampering the odd blonde. Deidara looked at Naruto for a second, noted his situation, and gave him a cheesy smile and a double thumbs-up.

Another couple of minutes passed before the girl stopped crying and let go of Naruto. Sniffling, she looked into Naruto's eyes. He smiled gently as he wiped her tears away.

"Better?" he asked her softly. She managed to form a wet, weak smile.

"Yes, thank you… I never got your name. I'm Tsuchi Kin." Kin introduced herself, still in his embrace.

"Uzumaki Naruto." He returned, taking her hand and kissing it. Naturally, she blushed.

"Well Naruto… uh… do you want to dance with me?" Kin's voice became quieter as she finished her sentence. Naruto looked surprised for a second before he agreed. Smiling happily, Kin took Naruto's hand and led him onto the dance floor. A slow, funky sounding song had begun to play, and the couples were grinding left and right. Kin turned around and gently pressed herself against Naruto. As she began to sway to the beat, Naruto gently wrapped his arms around her. Several people were shocked: Tsuchi Kin, Oto's Ice Princess was grinding with a complete stranger. Some people gawked, while others let out wolf-whistles.

Naruto could care less at the moment. Right now, the only people who existed were Kin and he. He gently traced his hands over her stomach and hips, getting a little shiver from the girl. They danced for three songs before they went over to a small lounge area and got to know each other a little bit. Kin enjoyed music and horticulture. She disliked fangirl kunoichi and people who judged. Her hobbies were writing music for her friend Tayuya and training to become a great kunoichi. She was quite intrigued when she learned that Naruto was an art lover. When she asked what painter he liked, he laughed loudly and explained to her that he was a puppeteer and a pyromaniac ninja. She was comically shocked when he explained that to her. He told her of his love for ramen that he had sorely missed on his six year 'training trip', and his love for training. He told her of his dislike of those with Kekkei Genkai who acted superior to everyone else, and judgmental idiots. Kin was awed at his dream to become a Kage and asked why he wanted to become one.

"Well first is for people to acknowledge and respect me, something nobody did back home because of something I had no control over. The second reason is because I want to prove it can be done to those who thought I was a loser." He explained. Kin nodded and agreed that she would have wanted to do something like that to rub it in peoples' faces.

They spent the rest of the night talking, laughing and dancing with each other. At around midnight, Naruto bade Kin goodnight, hoping to see her again one day.

Once the Sangako were back up in the air, Deidara and Sasori began to bombard Naruto with questions about Kin. To which he replied 'I don't kiss and tell.'

Later that night, Deidara awoke to a horrified scream. It turned out that all of Sasori's puppets had been put in frilly pink dresses with bows, lace and makeup. Sasori stopped crying and burst out laughing when he saw Deidara's face had been scribbled all over with markers and makeup. From his bed, Naruto smirked as his niisans' screams reached his ears.

* * *

It was a few days later, and the Sangako were hiding in the trees near the north gate of Konoha. Naruto glowered at the towering gates of his own personal hell. Sighing, he turned to his niisans. 

"Well you two, I guess this is goodbye." Naruto admonished. He was startled when Deidara and Sasori enveloped him in a one-armed hug each.

"For now anyways, yeah." Deidara replied. "But we will see you again Naruto, yeah."

"We have taught you well kid; don't disappoint us by not whooping the ass of everyone in your village." Sasori instructed Naruto who snapped to a mock salute.

"YES SIR!" Naruto said forcefully, eliciting a small chuckle from Deidara. Naruto sighed as he put on his straw hat and walked over to the tree's main body.

"Hiru Banshō: Bōka no jutsu!" (Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention Technique (The jutsu Zetsu uses to get around)) Naruto announced as he merged with the tree and vanished.

* * *

Naruto stumbled out of a tree in the less populated area of Konoha, and promptly fell to his knees. 

'_Ugh, I hate using that, but I love it too. It gets you around quickly, but it makes you feel sick.'_ Naruto mentally grumbled. He straightened his straw hat and began to walk sedately through Konoha. Many curious glances were sent his way, but it was probably because of his cloak. The cloak had a high collar that reached his nose, and was decorated with golden yellow foxes (Same as an Akatsuki cloak). On the back of it was the kanji for 'Three'. This was the garb of the Sangako. Deidara's cloak had sky blue birds on his, and Sasori's was decorated by red scorpions. Naruto simply ignored the villagers' gazes as he strolled through his old home.

Naruto stopped at the Ninja Academy as he walked past it. When he had been taken in by Deidara and Sasori, he had just been in the Academy for a week. As he pondered on his memories, he heard sounds of combat coming from the back of the Academy. Curiosity piqued, Naruto slunk sedately towards the back of the Academy.

What greeted his eyes was a group of students that looked about his age in a ring watching a fight. The two combatants were a boy with raven black hair that was in a style similar to a chicken's ass. He wore a dark blue jacket with an uchiwa fan on the back of it, and a set of white shorts with bandages on his shins. He had a perpetually angsty look about him that screamed 'Piss off'.

His opponent was a boy in a large grey jacket with black lining, and dark brown pants. He had a feral, animalistic look on his face, along with two red fang-like markings on his cheeks. This boy looked to be losing when Chicken Ass kicked him in the face, decking him, and slamming his heel into his stomach. The sensei, a man with a ponytail and a scar across the bridge of his nose called the match, and most of the girls began to squeal 'Sasuke-kun'. Naruto walked slowly and stealthily into the yard while rolling his eyes.

"Okay, good match you two. Kiba, you left yourself open after that slash, but other than that, you did well. Sasuke, your taijutsu was flawless, and good demonstration of the Kawarimi and Bunshin no jutsu." The Chuunin praised. Kiba retreated back into the crowd, and the teacher looked at the students.

"Okay, who else would like to spar with Sasuke today?" he asked. Before too many hands went up, Naruto spoke up.

"I do!" he called. Everyone turned to look at the boy in the straw hat and cloak.

"And you are…?" the Chuunin asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"My name is of no importance at this point. All you need to know is that I'm really good." Naruto stated as he walked into the ring to face Sasuke. The angst king narrowed his eyes.

"Why will you not tell us your name? Are you scared to be facing an Uchiha?" he asked mockingly. Several girls shouted their agreements, while Naruto just narrowed his eyes and gave a stare so cold that Snow ninja would freeze.

"Now I know why Itachi left you alive; so he could laugh his murderous ass off when that big mouth o' yours gets you killed someday." Naruto shot back. True to his statement, Naruto had met Uchiha Itachi on his travels. The Uchiha had stumbled into a clearing that he, Deidaera, and Sasori had been camping in, exhausted. When he had camped with them for the night, Naruto had asked him why he had fled, and Itachi had told him. When Naruto asked why he didn't kill Sasuke, he responded with the exact words Naruto had said. Saying this naturally made the crowd gasp and Sasuke bristle in anger.

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke screamed as he got into a fighting stance. Naruto grinned as he spread his legs a little bit. Many of Sasuke's fangirls were screaming things like 'Go, Sasuke-kun!' and 'Kick his ass!' There was silence for a moment until the scarred Chuunin called 'Hajime!' Sasuke immediately charged in and aimed a kick at Naruto who simply stood there and took it. Sasuke smirked when the cloaked boy keeled over, but frowned when he turned to mud.

"Is that really the best you can do?" Naruto's voice came from behind Sasuke. He whipped around to see Naruto standing there with his arms crossed.

"How the hell did you get away from me? You didn't even use hand seals!" Sasuke exclaimed. The Chuunin was looking shocked; he had not seen Naruto move either.

"When you've been using that jutsu since you were eight years old, you don't need hand seals for it." Naruto responded simply.

"Katon: Gōkakyū no jutsu!" (Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique) Sasuke cried, exhaling a huge fireball from his mouth. He smirked again when Naruto was nowhere to be found. But he was unexpectedly hit in the back by something sharp which pierced his skin. He turned around to see Naruto with some sort of six-armed metal, and wood monster in a dark yellow cloak standing next to him.

"Wh-what the hell is _that?_" Sasuke asked as he rubbed the cut spot on his back.

"Oh, this is Sasoriza, one of my toys. But you shouldn't be worried about Sasoriza, Sasuke." Naruto said simply as he pulled a small vial filled with a clear liquid out of his pocket.

"And what is that?" the Chuunin asked as he eyed the vial.

"The antidote." Naruto replied simply. Before they could ask what it was for, Sasuke began to spasm and fell to the ground, twitching and screaming in pain. Many of the fangirls rushed to their beloved Sasuke-kun's side.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO SASUKE-KUN?!" a pink-haired girl in a red dress screamed at him. Naruto winced as he rubbed his ears.

"Yare, yare, so loud and annoying." He drawled softly. "What I injected into the Uchiha here is a special poison that I developed myself. It hasn't been recorded in the medical books, so only I have a cure for it. What it's made of is multiple corrosive acids and a couple pinches of poison with a side of methamphetamine. Why the meth? Well, meth is a stimulant that gets the heart pumping faster, thereby making the blood move faster through the body and circulating the poison much faster. Once the poison starts to take effect, poor Sasuke's arterial and venial walls will start to be eaten away and distribute the poison through his flesh. In short, Sasuke's body will be eaten away by my poison." Naruto explained. The Chuunin and students looked horrified; that was a nasty poison… but an effective one too. Naruto walked sedately up to the thrashing Uchiha, wrenched his mouth open, poured the antidote down his throat, and pinched his nose. Sasuke swallowed the antidote, and his thrashing lessened a little bit. After about ten minutes, he was simply lying on the ground, panting. Naruto stood up and smacked his hands together.

"Well, my work here is done. And it only took two moves and my weakest puppet to defeat an Uchiha, heralded as the greatest of ninja." Naruto boasted as he walked away, cloak flapping in the breeze. By that time, Sasuke had gotten up and began to lurch towards Naruto's retreating form. This lurch turned into a charge. Naruto sighed as he flung something that the rest of the students could not see. Naruto formed a ram seal and yelled "Katsu!" The bomb detonated a short distance from Sasuke, and the avenger was thrown from his feet. He rolled back to his fangirls and the rest of the class, clothes and skin singed and cooked.

"Sheesh, he's an idiot too." Naruto remarked. The fangirls were too shocked to say anything else. Naruto began to covertly form hand seals behind his back.

"Well kiddies, I have some other matters to attend to right now. So train hard, and I'll see ya in Hell!" Naruto shouted as he began to sink into the ground, courtesy of the Hiru Banshō: Bōka no jutsu. Just before he was completely submerged, he did his best evil cackle to enhance the effect. Needless to say, everyone was more than a little creeped. Who was that kid?

* * *

"Okay, all Jounin. Today we are gathered to observe the Genin who will be taking the graduation exam, and to pick out teams, assuming all graduates pass." The Sandaime addressed the nine Jounin in the room. The three notables were Hatake Kakashi, revered as the Copy Ninja. Yuhi Kurenai, the gorgeous genjutsu mistress. And Sarutobi Asuma, son of the Sandaime. 

"I will choose Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, and Kuroki Jin." Kakashi said lazily from behind his orange book.

"I shall take Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuuga Hinata, and Aburame Shino." Kurenai added, looking at Kakashi's book disdainfully.

"I choose Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Chouji, and Yamanaka Ino." Asuma said while pulling out a smoke. The rest of the Jounin took their pick of the litter as Sarutobi wrote it down. Once all of the names had been called, Sarutobi looked at Kakashi.

"If I may ask; why Sasuke, Kakashi? Obviously you two are the only two people left in Konoha with the Sharingan, but why else?" the old man asked the cyclops with a critical eye.

"I can see that Sasuke is strong, but his mind is weak. I chose him because he needs to learn that he cannot rely only on himself to avenge what has been done to him and his clan. Plus… I feel that it is necessary after the incident." Kakashi quieted near the ending of his sentence.

"Well, get ready for some wrinkles dude; Sasuke's an asshole." came a voice. Startled, the assembled ninja looked for the source of the voice.

"I'm up here." It said again. A dozen heads looked up, and many more eyes widened when they saw a figure coming out of the ceiling, face first. He dropped out of the ceiling and landed with all the grace of a cat. Many of the Jounin tensed and reached for weapons.

"And who are you?" Sarutobi asked, extinguishing his pipe and looking intently at the cloaked boy. Said boy gave a "Hn." before he removed his straw hat. The Hokage gasped as he looked into the grown face of Uzumaki Naruto.

"Hisashiburi dana, ne Ojiisan?"

* * *

**And there we go! End o' chapter 2!**

**In that light, I would like all readers to rise for a moment of silence in loving memory of everybody's favourite pyromaniac Deidara, who just recently passed away in the manga. **:(


	3. Lookie Loo & A Bundle of Joy

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**Chapter 3: Lookie Loo & a Bundle of Joy**

* * *

"...Naruto?" Sarutobi finally managed to ask the cloaked blonde boy. The rest of the room was silent. Whether from shock or tenseness, Naruto knew not. "Is it really you?" the Professor asked. Naruto gave the old man his trademarked foxy grin. 

"The one and only, Ojiisan." Naruto answered. Hearing the boy call the Hokage 'grandpa' put a majority of the assembled shinobi at ease; nobody except the Hokage's son or grandson would call him something so informal. Uzumaki Naruto was the single exception. The Hokage jumped out from behind the desk and wrapped Naruto up in a hug. A couple of Jounin smirked as they filed this incidence away for later blackmail material. One or two of the kunoichi smiled at the touching moment.

"Where the hell have you been for the past six years?" the Sandaime demanded, releasing Naruto and staring down at him. Naruto suddenly gulped under the scrutiny of the most powerful shinobi in Konoha.

"... All over the place." Naruto answered. The few Jounin that didn't facefault sweatdropped.

"And what did you do while you were 'all over the place'?" Sarutobi asked, pulling out his pipe and igniting it.

"Well, I trained like crazy... which reminds me..." Naruto reached inside of his cloak and pulled a scroll out of one of his pockets. He unraveled it for a little bit until he reached a sealing point that read 'Scroll' He poured some chakra into it, there was a puff of smoke, and a very large green scroll that had the kanji 'Forbidden' on it appeared. Everyone in the room gasped when they saw it.

"One Forbidden Scroll, property of Konoha." Naruto announced. "And no, I didn't steal it. It was my niisans who stole it; I just learned from it." The room was silent as Naruto placed it back on the Hokage's desk.

"Who are these 'niisans' of yours Naruto?" the Hokage asked. Naruto paused.

"... If you see me fight, you'll get a pretty good clue." Naruto replied cryptically.

"You can perform jutsu from that scroll?" asked a red-eyed kunoichi from the crowd. Naruto resisted the urge to whistle; she was hot.

"You bet your ass I can, tootsie. Before you ask, I learned the Kage Bunshin, Katon: Gōkadan, Katon Kekkai: Hi no Enjin, and Katon: Karyuu Endan." Naruto reeled off the four jutsu that he learned from the scroll. Kurenai blushed when Naruto called her 'Tootsie'.

"I assume those jutsu aren't the only ones you know." Sarutobi asked rhetorically. Naruto shook his head no. "Well, what else can you do?"

"Well if I were to reel off all of the stuff I know, we'd be in here for a long time. Summing it all up, I know almost a hundred jutsu. More of them are in the Doton and Futon category. I use the Tōrōken taijutsu style, but I'm more of a middle to long range fighter. That being said, I'm really good at causing collateral damage, and..." Naruto paused for a moment, debating whether to disclose the next piece of information.

'_Well, they're probably gonna find out sooner or later.'_ Naruto thought. Taking a deep breath, he disclosed the piece of information to the awaiting crowd of shinobi.

"I can exercise a small amount of control over my 'tenant's' chakra." Naruto said hurriedly. If the room was quiet beforehand, it was a graveyard now. The Hokage had paled so much, he seemed dead. Nobody noticed a rather feminine-looking, male Hyuuga Jounin exit the office.

"The... the seal hasn't broken, has it?" one of the Jounin from the crowd asked.

"No, of course not. I would be pushing up the daisies if it _had_ broken. The fuzz ball gives me chakra in life threatening situations, or if I want some in order to increase the power of an attack." Naruto replied.

"H-how long have you known?" Sarutobi asked.

"The fox made himself known to me about four years ago when my niisans and I were attacked in Kirigakure. He's never tried to take control over my body and mind, so I'm perfectly stable for those who are feeling doubtful." Naruto assured everyone in the room.

"How powerful would you say you are Naruto?" Sarutobi asked. Naruto remained silent for a second.

"With, or without Kyuubi chakra?"

"Without."

Naruto thought for a second or two. "… Well in that case, I could probably rough up a couple of Jounin in this room. It would be hard, though." Naruto admitted.

"I assume that it's still your dream to become Hokage?"

"Of course! Why?"

"Well, with your skills, I think that it would be a waste to put you through the Genin Exam. So for you Naruto, this will be your test: You must fight three of the shinobi in this room. If you are victorious in two of the three battles, I will give you the position of 'Tokubetsu Genin'." Sarutobi explained. Naruto raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"What's a Tokubetsu Genin?" he asked.

"Well, truth be told, it's just a position I made up on the spot. What the position is... you will be a Genin who will be assigned higher ranked missions, or accompany other first year Genin on their higher ranked missions." Sarutobi explained. Naruto grinned.

"Who're the unlucky opponents?" Naruto asked. Sarutobi looked out across the assembled shinobi.

"Uzumaki Naruto, your opponents will be Yuhi Kurenai, Mitarashi Anko, and Hatake Kakashi." The Sandaime announced. The red-eyed Jounin from earlier stepped forwards. A scantily-clad, purple-haired woman forced her way to the front of the crowd. And the silver-haired, mask wearing Jounin with the orange book raised his hand slightly.

"Yosh! What training ground are we gonna use?"

* * *

Standing in the large clearing that was part of Training Ground 44, Naruto faced Yuhi Kurenai. The red-eyed woman's face was emotionless, and Naruto's was one of calm impassiveness. The Jounin who were assembled in the Hokage's office were gathered around the two competitors. Even Sarutobi himself was there, having left a dozen or so Kage Bunshin to do his paperwork after Naruto had told him of the trick. 

"Are both competitors ready?" asked a scarred Jounin in a trench coat. He received a nod from Kurenai and Naruto. "Hajime!"

For a moment, neither of them moved. As Naruto suspected, Kurenai wasn't one to just try and get things over quickly. He grabbed the shallow, conical straw hat on his head and threw it at the kunoichi like a frisbee. Kurenai moved to the side when she saw that the hat flew faster than something made of straw should fly. Her jaw dropped when she watched the hat sail past her and imbed itself in a tree.

'_A blade in the hat? Clever Naruto, but it'll take more than that.'_ Kurenai mused as she watched the blonde flipping through a few seals.

"Kasumi Enbu no jutsu!" Naruto announced. From his mouth he shot a very pale yellow, almost transparent, gas that covered a large area around him. Kurenai had never seen this jutsu before, but she was wary. The gas was not poisonous, as she had not died from inhaling it. She grew rather worried when she saw Naruto smirking outside of the cloud. He threw something from his right hand into the mist. Kurenai's eyes widened when she recognized the technique Naruto was using. Someone covered an area in something flammable or explosive, and chucked a bomb into it to blow said area up. Kurenai took a flying leap out of the gas just as Naruto shouted "Katsu!"

**KA-****BOOM!**

The area that was covered in the flammable gas went up in yellowish white flames. The flames licked at Kurenai's body, and she winced when her skin was warmed considerably from the heat of the explosion. As the smoke cleared, she narrowed her eyes at Naruto, who was smirking at her.

"Magen: Jubaku Satsu!" she whispered the name of her favourite genjutsu. To Naruto, she looked like she had vanished into the wind. The blonde stood stock still as the illusionary tree roots formed around him. Kurenai appeared above him from the tree, and held a kunai to his throat.

"I win Naruto." She stated. She grew suspicious when Naruto smirked.

"No you don't." he retorted before he dissolved into mud. Kurenai looked around for the blonde and found him sitting in a tree.

"Katon: Hōsenka no jutsu!" Kurenai shouted, launching a dozen fireballs at Naruto.

"Hiru Banshō: Bōka no jutsu!" Naruto countered. He sank into the tree's flesh, avoiding the fireballs.

'_I gotta learn that jutsu.' _Kurenai thought as Naruto emerged from the ground about ten metres away from her. He raised his left arm to reveal some sort of bulky vambrace with about forty holes arranged in two rows. A wooden cylinder shot out of one of the holes, and split open to reveal about a dozen senbon needles. Kurenai narrowly dodged them, and quickly avoided a second salvo.

"Oh, just to warn you Kurenai-san; all of my weapons, down to every last senbon needle, have been dipped in my own personal brand of poison. I would advise you not to get hit by any of my weapons if you don't want to be eaten away from the inside out." Naruto informed the Jounin. Kurenai gulped; this kid meant business. She tensed herself when he pulled his hand out of one of the two pouches on his right hip. Naruto charged at Kurenai, and she took out a pair of kunai. Naruto raised his right arm to reveal a katar on his wrist. He swung at her and she narrowly avoided the strike. Kurenai started to dodge and block furiously as Naruto began a taijutsu barrage. His moves flowed in circles, and all seemed to strike at her vital points. She almost got hit in the lungs and heart on more than one occasion.

After watching him attack while narrowly dodging every one, Kurenai caught a thrust aimed at her carotid artery. She pulled Naruto's arm forwards and kicked him in the chest. He didn't skid back too far, but taijutsu wasn't exactly her strong point. She threw a couple of kunai and shuriken at Naruto, who bounced away. He threw whatever he had in his right hand up in the air. There was a tiny puff of smoke, and whatever it was seemed to have expanded. Kurenai squinted, and was able to discern the object as a highly simplified hummingbird that was tan in colour. The bird flitted about for a second before it zipped towards her. Kurenai felt herself starting to tire as she danced around the strange little bird. On one particularly near miss, the Genjutsu Mistress got a quick glance at what the bird was made of; clay. She remembered hearing of a shinobi that used clay as a weapon, but she couldn't remember his name.

"Katsu!" Naruto commanded again.

The tiny bird exploded spectacularly. Kurenai felt the shockwaves set off by the explosion, as well as the heat. She bounced off of her back and landed on her feet. Naruto was standing at the edge of the clearing, looking a little bored.

"Well, you're quite the fighter Naruto. But this ends here." Kurenai declared. She went through a seal sequence that Naruto knew all too well.

"Katon: Karyuu Endan!" Kurenai cried as she took a deep breath. White hot flames burst from her mouth as she exhaled. Naruto reached into his pocket to grab something, but the flames got to him before he could do whatever he needed to do.

Kurenai stopped blasting after a few seconds, hoping that she hadn't gone overboard. She would have to end this quickly; that last Katon jutsu burned up about a quarter of her reserves, which were none too large. Her eyebrows disappeared into her hairline as she saw something strange when the smoke from the jutsu dispersed.

Where Naruto should have been were two odd-looking... things. They looked like metal scales that were shaped like half ovals, glowing an orange colour, presumably from absorbing the heat from her jutsu. There were many of them, at least seventy-five per object, grouped together in the shape of a pair of gargantuan, feathered wings. They suddenly creaked open to reveal Naruto with his left hand in front of him with his fingers in an odd position. Behind Naruto was something that looked like a rather handsome person with brownish grey skin, clad in a dark goldenrod robe. It was the object that the 'wings' were attached to.

"Nice jutsu there Kurenai-san; you forced me to bring out the big guns. This is Tenshi, by the way." Naruto appraised and explained, jerking his right thumb at Tenshi.

"What exactly _is _'Tenshi' Naruto?" Kurenai asked, eyeing Tenshi warily. Naruto frowned.

"I figured you would have known, seeing as you're a Jounin. Tenshi is a puppet, Kurenai-san. My seventeenth one, in fact. He was a Hoshi Jounin before he faced me. Now, he's a heavy artillery defensive/offensive puppet!" Naruto said before he moved his hand in an odd way. Tenshi's right wing moved so that the tip of it was pointing at her. The 'feathers' on the tips of the wings were full cylinders. From one of them launched a circular device that Kurenai recognized as a grenade. The little bomb exploded on the ground in a blast of greenish flames, blinding Kurenai for a second or two. She picked up a loud clicking noise, but couldn't see where it was coming from. She pressed her fingers into her eyes, which cleared her vision quickly. She opened her eyes to see Tenshi flying at her with its wings outstretched. Her eyes widened when dozens of Tenshi's feathers slid back small metal panels to reveal seals on the inner wings. Dozens of them started to glow, and both blades and spikes appeared from them. Tenshi started to pick up speed, and its wings closed and opened multiple times like a set of jaws.

Kurenai started to backpedal as Tenshi's wings snapped where she would have been a second or two before. The puppet changed its course and continued to pursue her. Kurenai avoided another snap of the wings and got a quick look at Tenshi's body. The puppet's mouth had slid open and out shot a flexible metal rod that was black at the tip, making it look like a fox tail. Kurenai was unable to avoid it fast enough as it wrapped around her ankle and pulled her foot out from under her. Kurenai screamed as Tenshi's wings began to close on her. She closed her eyes and tensed, waiting for the pain of the puppets spikes and knives to pierce her flesh. But no pain came. Kurenai opened her eyes to see Tenshi's wings had stopped moving, mere inches from pricking her. She heard a chuckling from behind her. Kurenai tilted her head backwards and scowled when she saw Naruto chuckling at her.

"That's quite a scream you've got there Kurenai-san." He commented before moving his fingers, making Tenshi's wings raise up and away from her. The blades and spikes retracted back into their seals before Naruto sealed Tenshi back into its scroll. He helped her up, and kissed her hand, eliciting an 'ooh' and some giggles from the observing shinobi.

"Nice fighting you, Kurenai-san." Naruto thanked her. Face red, Kurenai retreated into the watching nin until he couldn't see her.

"Well done Naruto. We'll let you rest for a moment before you continue your test." Sarutobi said to him. Naruto shook his head.

"No, I'd rather continue now. I mean, if you were fighting with some enemy shinobi, do you think they'd let you rest after you just killed one of their comrades until you were ready to continue?" Naruto asked. Several of the spectators murmured in agreement. Sarutobi was looking thoughtful.

"Very well then. Anko, you're up." Sarutobi called. The purple-haired kunoichi skulked out from the crowd and stood casually before Naruto.

"Just a warning kid; I'm a lot more ruthless than Kurenai." Anko warned him. Naruto didn't seem to be affected.

"Just a warning Anko-san; I was holding back when I fought Kurenai-san." Naruto shot back. Anko raised an eyebrow for a second, but her confident smirk returned quickly.

"Second match, hajime!" the Hokage called. Anko began the match by sprinting straight forwards. She began to attack Naruto fiercely. So fiercely, in fact, that the blonde almost couldn't keep up with her. Anko got a kick to Naruto's stomach under his guard, and snapped off an uppercut to his jaw. Naruto flipped through the air and managed to land on his feet. He growled before he went through about ten seals.

"Futon: Furyudan no jutsu!" Naruto shouted. He exhaled a blast of visible air which took the form of a whitish dragon with glowing red eyes. Said dragon made a shrieking noise as it thundered towards Anko. The kunoichi dodged the dragon, but it started to follow her. Anko got cut a few times before the dragon dissipated. Unfortunately, she didn't know any medical jutsu, and Naruto had forced her into a tight spot. One, she was in between a cluster of dense trees and brush, making it very hard to manoeuvere. Two, he had somehow set several Jibaku Fuda around the clearing.

"Kassei!" Naruto commanded, forming a ram seal. Anko barely managed to pull off a Kawarimi in time to save her ass from being cooked. Naruto stood still, straining his senses. He knew that he couldn't beat that freaky chick so easily. Before he could sense her, Anko was behind him with a kunai to his throat.

"You lose Naruto." She said quietly. Naruto simply shook his head and chuckled softly.

"What the hell's so funny?" she demanded.

"You're delusional, _that's_ what's so funny." Naruto answered. Anko felt something grab her leg. It felt like it was made of metal, but Anko didn't have time to dwell on what whatever it was felt like. It lifted her up and threw her into a tree. Anko weakly raised herself onto her elbows and glared at Naruto. The thing that had grabbed her was protruding from the back of his cloak. It looked like a metal fox tail.

"What the hell?" Anko muttered. Naruto heard her, and three more tails drifted out.

"Well Anko, this is Yon. It's my personal body armour and a set of skewers, all combined into one great puppet!" Naruto said giddily. Anko raised herself up and got into a stance. Naruto swung his arm, and one of Yon's tails swung at her. Anko ducked the swipe, and had to flip through the air to avoid a second slash. She had to do a bridge dodge to avoid getting stabbed in the gut by the pointy end of one of the tails.

"Katon: Gōkadan!" came a shout. Anko's eyes widened as she barely dodged the ball of super concentrated fire natured chakra. Even though the Gōkadan was an A-rank jutsu, it wasn't the most intimidating-looking technique. It simply looked like a glowing, yellowish-orange ball of chakra about the size of an average person's fist. But when the ball hit something, it blew anything within twenty feet of it to flaming smithereens.

Naruto and Anko watched the ball fly past them, and explode against the waterfall. A huge bank of mist was formed as a copious amount of water was evaporated. Anko quickly turned back to Naruto, intending to end this quickly.

"Sen'eijashu!" Anko said quietly. Four snakes launched at Naruto, who was still admiring the work that his Gōkadan had done. He gave a little grunt of surprise when the snakes wrapped around him, restraining his movement and his tails. Anko reeled him in and held another kunai to his neck.

"_This _time, I win." Anko said confidently. Naruto's face was impassive… until it started to fall off.

'_WHAT THE HELL?!'_ Anko shouted inwardly. Her neglect cost her dearly. Four extra arms shot out of the 'cloak' and wrapped around her arms and legs. By now, all of the cover had fallen off to reveal a rather grotesque looking puppet. It had two bug-like eyes and a mop of hair, and its face was triangular in shape. Like Tenshi, it was clad in a dark goldenrod robe. Its six arms had pincer like hands which clamped down onto her wrists and ankles, restraining her completely.

"Correction Anko; _I _win _again._" Said Naruto, emerging from the ground. All of the audience was looking at him expectantly.

"Well, I suppose that you want to know about this puppet too. His name is Sasoriza, and he was my first puppet. Out of my fifty-four puppets, not including Yon, he's one of the five that I didn't fight and defeat." Naruto told the crowd and his opponent, all of whom sucked in a breath or raised their eyebrows; Naruto had _fifty-four_ puppets?

"What do you mean, you defeated your puppets? You said something about Tenshi being a Hoshi Jounin before." Kurenai pointed out, confused like the rest of the spectators. Naruto smirked at her, in a sick sort of way.

"What I meant was; after I slew the original Tenshi, I turned him into a puppet." Naruto explained. Even the Hokage gasped; that was a cruel fate for anybody.

"But using people as puppets has an advantage to using plain wood and metal puppets. Because one, they can have their chakra circulatory systems preserved, thereby allowing them to use jutsu. And two, if the puppet is made of a shinobi with a Kekkei Genkai, say the ability to use Hyoton jutsu, they retain that Kekkei Genkai which the puppet user can make use of. Other than that, using Hitokugutsu is a far more productive way to get rid of a body you don't want left around." Naruto pointed out. One or two of the Jounin nodded in agreement; Naruto's solution to disposing of a corpse made sense.

"Back to business." Naruto muttered. Anko watched Sasoriza's mouth open and a small tube extend from it.

"Sweet dreams, Anko-chan." Naruto said tauntingly as he moved his fingers oddly again. A tiny puff of a whitish gas floated out of Sasoriza's mouth and into Anko's face. She inhaled a tiny bit of it, and immediately started to feel sleepy. Mere seconds later, Anko slumped, unconscious. Naruto picked her up with Yon and set her gently down on a smooth rock.

"I just hit her with some chloroform. She'll be back up in an hour or two." Naruto explained to the crowd.

"Well congratulations Naruto; you are now officially a Genin of Konoha." Sarutobi beamed. He reached into the pocket of his robe and withdrew a black-clothed hitai-ate. Naruto accepted it with a giant smile.

"Arigato, Ojiisan." Naruto said, with a single tear running down his cheek. He looked at the assembled Jounin, and his eyes came to rest on Hatake Kakashi. His eyes narrowed and then widened when he recognized the little orange book that the scarecrow-like man was reading.

'_I saw Deidara-niisan reading that book once! What was it called… Icky… Iwa… Icha Icha Paradise, that's it!'_ Naruto shuddered at what he had read within the sacred pages of that unholy tome.

'_Hmm… that makes me wonder…'_ Naruto turned his gaze back to Sarutobi while retrieving his hat with a chakra string.

"Ojiisan, can I fight Kakashi-san anyways?" Naruto asked. Kakashi put his book down in interest, and a few of the Jounin gave him odd looks.

"… Well, I don't see why not." Sarutobi shrugged. Naruto grinned slyly as he faced Kakashi. Kakashi tensed; he didn't like that grin.

"Final match, hajime!" Sarutobi called. Kakashi lifted up his hitai-ate to reveal…

"A Sharingan, eh? I haven't seen one of those in two years." Naruto commented. Both of Kakashi's eyes widened.

"You've seen Uchiha Itachi? Where? When?" he asked frantically.

"Like I said, I saw him about two years ago, so I doubt he'll still be in Sawagakure now." Naruto said to the Copy Ninja. "But now isn't the time to be discussing old news about nukenin. Kage Bunshin no jutsu!" a dozen or so Naruto's popped into existence. Kakashi got into a battle stance. His Sharingan was good, but he still couldn't tell the difference between a Kage Bunshin and the original.

"Impressive Naruto, but don't think that this is going to be enough." Kakashi warned him lazily. All of the Naruto clones smirked.

"That's why I'm doing this!" One of the Bunshins said before all of them were obscured by smoke. Kakashi's heart was starting to beat faster. The smoke lifted to reveal…

Dozens upon dozens of naked, well-endowed blonde women. The remaining smoke covered their more intimate areas, but Kakashi didn't look there; he was caught up in heaven.

"Come play with us, Kakashi-kun!" "You're so handsome, Kakashi-kun!" "Kakashi-kun, can you give me a massage?" were some of the things that the _grabby_ blondes squealed and cooed as they latched onto him. The Copy Ninja, along with every other male in the training ground, rocketed into the air, propelled by twin geysers of blood from their noses. All of the kunoichi were either glaring at Naruto, or roaring with laughter. The blonde women disappeared in puffs of smoke, leaving Naruto standing there, holding Kakashi's book.

"Yatta! Harem no jutsu; successful!" Naruto announced, doing a little heel click. The males were starting to recover, and groaned at the absence of the harem of blonde beauties. Kakashi flew for the book Naruto was holding like it was his first born son. Naruto dropped it before the scarecrow knocked him down like a bowling pin. The blonde began to snicker when Kakashi started to open the book.

"What's so funny Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"Open the book to the page you were on." Naruto replied, tying his hitai-ate around his neck and walking away while replacing his hat on his head. Kakashi opened the book...

And saw a small clay flatworm on the page.

"Katsu!" came Naruto's cry. Kakashi threw down his book as it went up in flames.

"DAMN YOU NARUTOOOOOO!!!" was heard through Konoha. Female and male laughter was heard afterwards.

* * *

Over the next week, Naruto reacquainted himself with Konoha. The place that he found first was Ichiraku Ramen. Teuchi and Ayame were overjoyed to have Naruto as a customer again. They were even happier when he cleared them out, completely. 

The next place Naruto found was the art shop. The proprietor of the shop was ecstatic when Naruto bought almost half of his clay, and the high quality shit too.

The third order of business was getting a place to stay. Having being part of a dangerous shinobi band for the past three and a half years, Naruto had a hell of a lot of cash on him from taking missions, killing competition, and robbing Daimyos. Naruto found himself a place quite quickly. It was a two room apartment. Nothing too fancy, though. One thing Sasori and Deidara had told him was not to stand out too much. Naruto listened to this principle, but could not help but put a little bit of flair in whatever he did.

In this case, he designed his apartment like a classic bachelor's pad. He had red sheets on his bed with a leopard print blanket. He installed several different coloured lights in his bedroom and living room attachment, which would be able to set a really intimate mood. The lights were also activated when he clapped his hands twice. He painted his living room floor the colour of the stones in a Zen Garden, and placed a lamp here, and a bonsai tree there. Once he was finished painting the walls the colour of a sundown (yellowish at the bottom, changing to dark blue as it got higher), Naruto stocked his cupboards with food, mainly ramen.

* * *

It was completely quiet as the figure slipped stealthily through the night. No ANBU had detected him, and neither had any other ninja. 

His mission was simple; assassinate the Kyuubi kid.

The apartment was on the lower middle-class side of town. He crawled silently over the side of the building, his clothing not standing out in the slightest. The window of the Kyuubi kid's apartment was unlocked, so he had no problem getting in. As he slunk in like a snake, he felt his leg brush against something. He froze when he saw that the floor had objects such as lamps and flora everywhere.

Had the kid planned for something like this, or was it just a coincidence?

Regardless, the assassin simply activated his Byakugan to avoid any pesky interference. Hiatari-ani would not be pleased if he failed this mission. He gulped as he imagined his wife and three children being tortured at the hands of his Main Family brother.

No! He had to concentrate on the mission! That was what was important. He reached the door that was most likely the bedroom. He jiggled the doorknob very lightly, only to find that it was locked. Thanking Kami for his impeccable chakra control, he formed a small needle of chakra which he jammed into the locking mechanism. He heard a small click as the door unlocked. He slid it open very slowly, silently thanking his target for keeping the hinges well oiled. He scanned the room to find the Kyuubi brat sound asleep on his bed by the far end of the room. He deactivated his Byakugan when he saw that the kid wasn't moving. Silent as a shadow, he withdrew a long kunai that was more like a thirty centimetre dagger and crept toward his target's bed. This was it! He rammed the kunai into where the boy's heart would be...

But all he felt was something like wood and metal.

"Nice try pal." The assassin whipped around to see the fully clothed Uzumaki Naruto standing by the closet with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

"… How?" the Hyuuga assassin asked.

"There was a seal on my window, which triggered a silent alarm in a seal on my arm." Naruto explained, pulling his sleeve back and revealing a glowing red kanji that read 'Alarm'.

"I'll ask you nicely once:" Naruto began "Who sent you?" he finished. The assassin tried to rush at the calm kid and Juken him to death, but felt a strong pull on his right arm. He looked back to see some sort of cable wrapped around his arm. Letting his eyes travel further up the cable, he saw that it was one of many, connected to the head of someone or something in the bed. It had a brownish face that looked almost like a snake. The figure had several thick cables extending from its head. It had a pair of metal snake heads protruding from its sleeves, along with its arms. The rest of the figure was covered by a dark goldenrod robe.

"This is Hebi, assassin. He was my forty-third puppet. He'll be the one I torture you with until you tell me what I want to know." Naruto said before he started to torture the assassin.

The blonde had to admit, this Hyuuga could take a lot of pain. After Naruto broke every one of his fingers, both of his arms, smashed his ribs, and cut one of his toes off, he still hadn't said anything. It was only when Naruto freed him of his pants and was holding a knife to the Hyuuga's 'pride and joy', did he talk. He had been sent by Hyuuga Hiatari of the Main Family to assassinate the 'Kyuubi brat' Naruto grew so pissed when the Hyuuga used that moniker that he broke the Hyuuga's jaw with a punch. He healed it quickly, asking where Hiatari was located. After he got the answers he needed, Naruto spared him by throwing him out of his apartment. The blonde then jumped out the window and flew off towards the high-class part of town on a large clay dragonfly.

Hyuuga Hiatari was about to pay... dearly.

* * *

Hyuuga Hiatari was sitting in his study recliner, enjoying a cup of sake. He was waiting impatiently for his brother, Hyuuga Hikaze, to return with the Kyuubi brat's head. His brother never took this long on a local assassination mission before, not that he was worried. Hikaze had never failed a mission yet. He was not considered to be the strongest member of the Branch Family, but he was at least in the lower to middle end of the top ten. No matter how powerful the Kyuubi brat had grown in six years, he still couldn't stand up to a Hyuuga's might. 

Right?

Hiatari was ever so slightly startled when there was a gentle knock on the door. "Enter." He said tonelessly. The door opened to reveal a young female messenger from the Branch Family.

"Hiatari-san." She addressed him with a polite bow. "Hikaze-san awaits you in the garden." She told him before quickly departing the room. Hiatari put down his sake saucer and got out of his chair, striding towards the Hyuuga Garden.

The garden was almost like a small forest, just with fewer trees and more Zen objects. Hiatari strode into the middle of the garden, but saw neither hide nor hair of his little brother.

'_Otouto, otouto, wherefore art thou, otouto?' _Hiatari thought, a tiny grin flitting across his face at the bad use of legendary literature. His tiny moment of reveling in his poor sense of humour cost the feminine man dearly. A clay octopus dropped from the sky and latched onto his head. As he tried to pry it off, an unbelievably strong electrical current coursed through his body. Once the octopus fell off, Hiatari fell to his hands and knees, panting heavily as his heart fibrillated. About three minutes later, he was able to summon enough strength to raise himself to his feet. As he lifted his head, he saw a figure in front of him. As he activated his Byakugan, he recognized it as the Kyuubi brat.

Before he could move, some sort of tentacle extended from beneath the boy's cloak and launched itself at him. Hiatari coughed up gouts of blood as the tentacle-like object skewered him through the solar plexus.

"Let this be a reminder Hyuuga-teme." Naruto whispered sinisterly, walking slowly up to the dying Hyuuga. "Do not oppose me, or face the consequences. Not that you're gonna live long enough to convey that warning to the rest of your wretched kind." Naruto added. Hiatari was about to speak, but the blood in his throat prevented him from doing so.

"If you're wondering what I'm gonna do now, I'll tell you. You are going to join my puppet collection; whether you like it or not." Naruto explained coldly. Mere seconds later, Hyuuga Hiatari was no more. Naruto smirked before he leaped into the air. He landed softly on his dragonfly, and whisked silently off into the night.

* * *

Over the next two months, Naruto re-familiarized himself with Konoha. A few of the villagers were wary of him, because of the fox images on his Sangakō cloak. He also saw a few of the soon-to-be Genin in that time span. All of the male Academy students looked up to him, demanding to know how he defeated Sasuke so easily. Naruto simply replied the same way every time. 

"I work out, get plenty of rest, eat my vegetables, make some poisons, that stuff." He also never gave out his name, simply preferring the nickname 'Fox'. The Uchiha's fan club hated him for almost killing 'their Sasuke-kun', but Naruto simply let off a couple of bombs every time they started to pester him. This always drove the weaklings off, and unfortunately, resulted in the amputation of a couple of them. Naruto didn't worry at all; they couldn't sue him, because the bitches didn't even know his name!

Sasuke himself had also sought him out. He had seen Naruto standing on the running water of a stream, and his face was positively red with anger when he called Naruto over.

_Flashback_

_"What the hell do you want Uchiha? I was in the middle of an exercise." Naruto snapped. He angled his mouth into a frown, not bothering with his eyes. With his ever present straw hat on, nobody had seen enough of his face to be able to identify him._

_"I want you to teach me how to fight like you did when you surprised me back at the Academy." Sasuke asked… well, demanded. Naruto didn't move for a moment._

_"… And why would I do that?" Naruto asked after a pause. "I thought you were an avenger type; why ask someone like me for help? I thought avengers worked alone." Naruto pointed out. Sasuke clenched his fists and bit his lip in anger; this idiot was turning his 'tude against him!_

_"That doesn't matter. Teach me how to use that thing that you did!" Sasuke said again, raising his voice. Naruto scratched his chin, looking as though he were thinking._

_"No." he said after a moment, turning and striding back out on the water._

_"Why the hell not?!" Sasuke demanded loudly. Naruto sighed; this guy couldn't take a hint and leave._

_"For three reasons, actually. One, you need to have practiced the arts from a very early age in order to be able to use them effectively as a shinobi. Two, my arts are sacred. I promised my niisans that I would not betray their trust by teaching their arts to inferiors. And three, I just don't like you." Naruto explained. He smirked when Sasuke began to twitch. Naruto cut the Uchiha off as he opened his mouth to speak._

_"Nothing you can say will change my mind Uchiha. So save the air that you are a waste of." Naruto spat before he jumped off into the trees. Sasuke screamed in frustration before setting fire to a large area around him._

_Flashback, kai!_

Over the two month period, Naruto also took on a couple of missions. The first two missions were simply lower to middle C-rank missions where he had to deliver a document or a parcel to another country. His main objective was to keep the document safe on its travel. On both his missions, he ran into minor opposition. The first time, it was simply a small group of bandits. Naruto quickly defeated them with a simple Doton: Retsudotenshō. On the second mission, he encountered a C-rank nukenin from Konoha, Aoi Soramaru. This battle proved to be a little more difficult. Naruto actually had to use one of his puppets to defeat the blue-haired man. And not just any puppet.

The puppet in particular was Hyuuga Hiatari. Naruto had finished converting the Hyuuga about a week before his second mission. He had dressed the Hyuuga in a pale lavender robe, which was just a little darker than the Byakugan. He had put very few armaments on Hiatari, seeing as the puppet could still use the Juken. But being able to use the Juken was tricky, as Naruto didn't possess the bloodline. To remedy this predicament, Naruto had immediately plopped down at his desk for five straight days and nights, and created the Ijō no jutsu. This technique made a portion of a puppet's chakra travel to Naruto along the string, allowing Naruto temporary access to a puppet's Kekkei Genkai, should they have one.

The armaments that Naruto installed into Hiatari were simple. In his chest, where Naruto had stabbed him, he placed a six-shell grenade launcher. Inside another cavity in the puppet's body, just below the launcher, were two spare grenade clips that Naruto put into place when the current one was spent. In Hiatari's sleeves, he installed two double-edged sword blades that resembled the blade of Kusanagi. And below Hiatari's arms, he sewed two more sleeves in before he grafted two large, metal scorpion tails to Hiatari's body. They narrowed before they swelled into arrow-like 'stingers', making the tips harder for the target to dislodge.

Naruto returned from his first mission without a scratch, and with a couple of nicks in his cloak the second time. The Hokage had been pleasantly pleased when Naruto brought Soramaru's head back. So pleased, in fact, that he gave Naruto a ten percent bonus with the 100 000 ryou bounty on Soramaru's head. When he asked Naruto if he wanted to keep the nukenin to turn into a puppet, Naruto declined. Unlike Sasori, he didn't convert every enemy he killed into a puppet. Naruto, after killing one of his foes, debated about turning them into puppets. He would go through the enemy's brain to discern what jutsu they knew, and carefully evaluated how said enemy would be beneficial as a puppet, compared to his others. If the possible puppet-to-be could be more useful than one of his current puppets, Naruto converted it into a puppet and discarded the old one. If not, he simply blew it up. This was the reason Naruto had only fifty-five puppets and Sasori had almost three hundred.

But despite it being the only puppet that was not a human corpse, Naruto could not bring himself to give up Sasoriza. He supposed it was for sentimental value, seeing as the six-armed humanoid was his first puppet.

* * *

It was about a month after Naruto killed Soramaru that the Genin batch that contained Sasuke graduated. Naruto watched from a tree as the Genin performed the three absolutely pathetic necessary jutsu; Kawarimi, Henge, and Bunshin. Although almost thirty kids graduated, Naruto figured that only about nine or ten would be successful. Over the next couple of weeks, Naruto was amused by the sights of the few remaining indignant Genin doing the chores that were D-rank missions. He didn't know why, but he helped Kurenai's team catch a particularly elusive cat one day when the Inuzuka boy called Kiba started cussing up a storm as the cat slipped from his grasp. The Hyuuga girl almost fainted when she saw a metal fox tail shoot out of the trees and wrap around the cat. Kurenai raised an eyebrow when Naruto jumped out of the trees and chucked the cat at them. 

"This wasn't your mission." She said calmly.

"I've got sensitive ears." Naruto retorted, glaring at Kiba. Before any of them could say another word, Naruto had jumped off again.

About two weeks later, Naruto received a summons from the Hokage. The summons said that he would be accompanying a Genin team on an upper C-rank mission. Sighing, he rolled up the scroll and sank into the floor, teleporting himself to the Hokage's office.

* * *

Naruto rose out of the floor in front of the Genin team. The kunoichi cried out in alarm as Naruto rose from the floor like a demon straight out of hell. 

Naruto calmly observed the team he would be accompanying. The Jounin looked like Ojiisan, minus about fifty years. Like his superior, he had a beard and a smoke hanging from his mouth.

The larger member of the team was obviously an Akimichi. He wore a green jacket, with a tan shirt underneath with the kanji for 'food' on it, and brown shorts. He had on a hitai-ate that allowed two 'horns' of hair to stick out from his head. In his bandaged hand was a bag of Korean spiced potato chips.

The second member of the team was a lazy looking boy with a pineapple-style hairdo. He wore a fishnet shirt, a grey vest, and brown pants. The look on his face said clearly that he would rather be in bed than in the Hokage's office right now.

The kunoichi of the team was definitely an eye-catcher. But while fair-looking, she was murder on the ears. The way she had cried out in surprise when Naruto Hiru Banshō'd into the office was almost enough to break his eardrums. She wore a two piece purple dress with full body bandages underneath. By her fragile figure and well-groomed platinum blonde hair, Naruto could tell that she was a 'fangirl' kunoichi. At first glance, Naruto was reminded of someone important, but he couldn't remember who. Her light blue, black-rimmed eyes contained anger as her mouth moved a mile a minute. Naruto shook his head when he realized she was yelling at him.

"You're that guy that hurt Sasuke-kun a while back! Hokage-sama! Why is this kid here? He's evil! He attacked Sasuke-kun for no reason!" she shrieked. Naruto pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and lowered his head.

"Is this true Naruto?" Sarutobi asked. His eyes showed surprise, but they were narrowed.

"No, blondie here's exaggerating. Sasuke willingly accepted fighting me, and he lost. All I did was hit him with a poisoned knife then cure him again. Then I almost blew him up when he tried to attack me, unprovoked." Naruto explained. The blonde girl gaped at him.

"I am more inclined to believe Naruto, Ino-chan." Sarutobi quickly cut Ino off just as she was about to start another rant.

"Well anyways, what's the mission Ojiisan?" Naruto asked. Behind him, the Jounin chuckled; only he and his nephew Konohamaru could get away with calling the Hokage an old man, and even he still got reamed for it sometimes.

"You are here Naruto, to accompany Team Ten on their upper C-rank mission." The wrinkled old man began. "Your objective is to retrieve a very old, very valuable document from Amegakure. What-"

"Steal it, is what you mean." Naruto interrupted. Five sets of eyes focused on him.

"Any time a high ranking official says that they want you to 'retrieve' something, it means that they want you to steal it. I know, because for the past three years, my niisans and I have had to steal dozens of documents. And every person has said the same thing; 'retrieve this'." Naruto explained. There was a rather pregnant pause after Naruto finished his rant.

"Okay, yes, I want you to steal it. What it is is a stock certificate from one of the first international companies ever conceived in the Old World. Do any of you know what that company was?" The Hokage asked like a professor to his students. Naruto raised his hand.

"Naruto?" the Professor asked the cloaked boy.

"The Dutch East India Trading Company." Naruto answered. Sarutobi nodded.

"Good! Correct! Anyways, this document is the first and only one of its kind. I believe its approximate value is 17.62 billion ryou." Ino gasped, the lazy boy's mouth fell open a fraction, the fat kid dropped his chips, and the Jounin's eyes widened. Naruto whistled; that was one pricey document.

"(Whistle) is right Naruto. Your objective is to retrieve this document in any way you can, without letting the Ame forces know that you are from Konoha. The document is located inside the Amegakure no Sato museum. It is usually guarded heavily by traps such as chakra sensors, death traps, and shinobi. It is always put in a large titanium, seal-covered bunker at nighttime. If anyone tried to break into the bunker, the seals would activate multiple high-powered explosives, incinerating the thieves. That is why you must complete this mission during the daytime. Your time frame is one week." Sarutobi explained to them. Team Ten bowed respectfully, and turned to leave the office. Naruto was rooted in his place. Everyone looked at him, but he paid them no mind, as several different scenarios were going through his mind.

'_Swinging Priest? Not enough people. Crazy Larr__y? Not enough people. Soft Shoulder? Not enough people. Baker's Dozen? We've got the woman, but not enough people. Hell in a Handbasket? I can't train a cat that quickly. And, not enough people… wait a second; I remember who Ino looks like now! That's it!' _was Naruto's train of thought as he turned his eyes to the Hokage.

"Ojiisan, the authorities in Ame wouldn't happen to know Fuku-hime, would they?" Naruto asked, seemingly out of the blue. Everybody looked confused as to why Naruto was referring to a Daimyo's daughter.

"Umm… I think they know _of_ her. Why do you ask?" Sarutobi asked him.

"Well, I just thought of a way to get close to the document without too much suspicion arising. It's a method that thieves call a 'Lookie Loo'. What you're supposed to do is find someone who resembles another person of high authority. In Ino's case, she will dress up and pretend to be Fuku-hime, because they pretty much look identical, with us as her guards. The method used in conjunction with the Lookie Loo is called 'A Bundle of Joy'. This means that Ino will have to pretend to be pregnant and 'go into labour' when we approach the document. When all attention is on her, I will swipe the document for a fake, and nobody will know the wiser." Naruto explained. Everybody looked a little stunned.

"Naruto," the Sandaime began. "that is such a crazy idea, I'm inclined to think that it may work. Yuki-chan, fetch me some formal female robes!" Sarutobi addressed his sexy female secretary. "You will leave at the North Gate in one hour. Gather any supplies that you will need for a maximum two week long mission. Dismissed." The five shinobi bowed respectfully to their leader. Four of them used the door. One of them sank through the floor.

* * *

It was the end of a long day of traveling, and the group of five shinobi were just inside of the Fire Country's borders; about half of the way to Ame. They were sitting in a small clearing, lit by a mid sized fire. Naruto was roasting a marshmallow, completely still; except for his hand that was turning his skewer. Ino was staring around randomly, although she occasionally let her gaze flit over to Naruto. Shikamaru was staring up at the stars. Chouji was munching on another bag of chips. And Asuma was having his ninth smoke of the day. There was almost no sound, except for the crackling of the flames, and the occasional noise of a passing animal. 

"Naruto?" Ino asked quietly. Naruto jumped a little bit at the sudden break in the silence. Chouji was looking a little miffed, as was Shikamaru. Asuma had put out his cigarette as well.

"Yes Ino?" Naruto asked, popping his marshmallow into his mouth. He chewed for a moment before swallowing and giving the girl his attention.

"Um, I was wondering…" Ino began. She trailed off and began to tap her fingers together.

'_Oh geez, she's pulling a Hinata. The world must be coming to an end.' _Asuma thought.

"What… what was that… _thing_… that you used to stab Sasuke-kun?" Ino asked in a small voice. All attention, even Shikamaru's, was now placed on Naruto. Naruto was calmly looking at Ino… or, at least they thought he was. None of them could see under his straw hat.

"Now, now, Ino, where would be the benefit in me telling you that? I mean, say we have to fight each other some day, for whatever reason like a promotional exam or something. How fair would it be if you knew how I fought, but I didn't know how you did?" Naruto asked. Ino looked understanding, but a little put out at the same time. Shikamaru was still looking at him

"Well could you at least tell us what that thing was?" he drawled. Naruto shifted his head to the Nara.

"Okay, say that again with _less_ enthusiasm. Well Shika, what Sasoriza is, is a-" Naruto cut himself off abruptly, freezing like a statue. He began to look around the clearing slowly, sniffing the air every now and then.

"What is it Naruto?" Asuma asked, readying his trench knives. The Genin were looking wary.

"We're being watched." Naruto hissed, standing up slowly. He was still for a moment, and then he raised his head.

"Okay, get your ass out here, you giant cactus!" Naruto called to the wind. Everyone was looking at him as though he were crazy, until a voice floated back.

"**Hmph. You spoil the thrill of the hunt… **Naruto-kun." Said a robotic tone in katakana before it changed to a regular one that spoke in kanji and kana. Team Ten's Genin almost pissed themselves when a greenish creature stepped out of the side of a tree. What little of its body that wasn't covered by a dark green traveling cloak was encased in something that resembled the jaws of a venus flytrap. It was opened near the top, revealing the person's face. There were two halves to his face, one black, and one white. A mop of green hair covered the person's head, and his yellow, pupilless eyes gazed… hungrily... at the shinobi. Naruto sighed resignedly.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Zetsu. He's an S-rank nukenin from Kusagakure, and a contact of mine. Zetsu, this is Yamanaka Ino, Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Chouji, and Sarutobi Asuma." Naruto introduced the parties to each other. The Genin and Jounin were silent.

"Mmm, the blonde one looks tasty…" Zetsu drawled, licking his lips. **"But the big one has more meat on him."** The robotic voice replied. "Yes, but her meat is more firm!" The regular voice shot back. **"The big one has more fat, which increases the flavour of the flesh!"** The robotic tone snapped in reply.

"Blonde!"

"**Big!"**

"Blonde!"

"**Big!**

"Blonde!"

"**Big!"** The two voices kept arguing over who would be tastier. Naruto was giggling quietly at the shocked faces of his fellow cohorts.

"Zetsu has a split personality. The black half of him speaks in katakana, and the white half speaks in kanji and kana. I guess they're arguing about which of you would be tastier." Naruto explained. Ino and Chouji's mouths dropped.

"H-He's a _cannibal_?!" Chouji whispered, looking horrified. Ino couldn't form words as she listened to the plant man argue back and forth.

"Yep. But don't worry; if you're with me, he won't eat you. I mean, sure he'll take a bite or two, but nothing serious." Naruto said nonchalantly. What little colour was in their faces left it. Naruto fell to the ground, clutching his sides, and rolling around in laughter.

"Oh, you should've (wheeze) seen your faces! That (snort) was frickin' priceless!" Naruto whispered out. After he regained himself and dodged Ino's blow to his head, he heard the telltale sounds of Zetsu still arguing.

"HEY! SPORES-FOR-BRAINS! SHUT THE HELL UP!!" Naruto shouted. Zetsu stopped arguing and chuckled sheepishly.

"Sorry Naruto-kun." Zetsu apologized.

"Anyways, why are you here?" Naruto asked. Zetsu looked a little shiftily at the group before one of the teeth on his plant attachments pointed to the top of the cliff that was not too far away. Naruto got the message and sank into the ground with Zetsu as he said "I'll be right back."

* * *

"Okay Zetsu, what's the problem?" Naruto asked the plant-like man while sitting atop the cliff. Beside him, Zetsu was silent for a few seconds before he sighed. 

"Well, **I came here to warn you Naruto-kun.**" Zetsu began.

"About what?" the puppet master asked, all of his attention now on the Kusa nukenin.

"**I recently got wind of a new, rather mysterious organization. **They are calling themselves the 'Akatsuki'. **This organization is composed of several **extremely dangerous S-rank nukenin from varying countries." Zetsu continued. Naruto allowed his eyes to widen a little bit at this juicy little tidbit of information.

"Anybody we know?" Naruto asked, fervently hoping that his question would be answered in a negative. He felt a little pain as he imagined Deidara, Sasori, or Itachi joining the Akatsuki.

"**No."** Zetsu answered. Naruto let out a breath he had been holding in. "But none of these ninja should be taken lightly. **I myself would be hard-pressed to defeat any one of them.**" Zetsu warned him.

"Who are some of the members that you know of, if any?" Naruto asked.

"Well, I know of only two members. The first is **Hoshigaki Kisame of Kirigakure.** He is a highly experienced swordsman who was forced to flee after he failed to assassinatethe** Water Daimyo. The second member I know of is called **Kakuzu. He was from Takigakure, and left for an unknown reason. I know that he can extend his life **indefinitely by ripping out the hearts of his foes, and taking them as his own.**" Zetsu reeled off the information he had on the two known members of the Akatsuki. Naruto felt a small tingle of fear run up his spine.

"What do the Akatsuki members look like?" he asked quietly, looking up at the quarter moon.

"Kisame and Kakuzu, **or just the members in general**?"

"In general."

"Well, they dress similar to your Sangakō. Their cloaks look the same, but are decorated with red clouds instead of the animals that you three associate yourselves with. **I'm not entirely sure, but I believe that they also wear unique rings.** I only saw Kisame and Kakuzu wearing them, so I'm not entirely certain if all of the members will wear them. **But I know for a fact that they travel in groups of two.**" Zetsu answered.

"Do you have any idea what they want?" the bomb user asked.

"The nine Bijuu." Zetsu answered. Naruto's face paled.

"Shit!" he whispered. Zetsu nodded minisculely.

"Well, I must be off to tell Deidara-kun, Sasori-kun, and Itachi-kun about this group of nasties. **It's good to see you again, Naruto-kun.**" Zetsu said robotically.

"You too, Zetsu." Naruto replied as the duo sank into the stone cliff.

* * *

Team Ten and Naruto reached Amegakure the following day. When the team had asked Naruto about his little meeting with Zetsu, Naruto simply told them that the plant man wanted some cooking recipes. All of them shuddered as they imagined Zetsu roasting them over a spit while seasoning them with spices. 

Team Ten and Naruto waited patiently for Ino to get into her robes. When she said that she was ready, Naruto turned around and received the shock of his life.

Not only did Ino look like Fuku-hime's identical, pregnant twin, she was any guy's fantasy of a royal, blonde bombshell. If not for the pillow that was stuffed down her front, she would've given Naruto a nosebleed. The royal blue robe accentuated her curves just a little bit, but that was good enough. And the dazzling fake diamonds on the lower part of the kimono made her look absolutely exquisite.

"Well? How do I look?" Ino asked, striking a small pose.

"A little pregnant, but you look great." Naruto answered. Ino scowled. Naruto just ignored it and walked over to the large, mobile throne that he, Deidara, and Sasori had stolen a couple years back. Why they had done it, Naruto had forgotten. He began to lift it up until he noticed that he was the only one trying to. He glared back at Team Ten to see them just standing there and staring at him.

"DO YOU THREE WANNA HELP, OR DO I HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASSES?!" Naruto shouted. Asuma, Chouji and Shikamaru almost jumped out of their skins when Naruto yelled at them. Shikamaru complained that carrying the throne around was troublesome, until Naruto kicked him in the ass and told him to move it.

The guards at the Amegakure gates were immediately on guard when a large, carried throne approached their gates. The four managed to get through the gates no problem, but were drawing a lot of attention on the streets. Naruto actually had to launch a few senbon at some of the too curious civilians in order to make them go away.

They reached the large, angelic white museum after about five minutes of beating off civilians. When Ino got out of the carriage, the paparazzi showed up faster than Naruto could say 'Katsu'. Naruto almost felt the urge to blow Ame up as the annoying people began to bombard them with questions. Asuma actually started swinging, the reporters were so annoying.

After about ten minutes of beating their way through the crowd, Team Ten and Naruto managed to get inside the museum. Ino's hair was a little haggard, and the rest of the group looked rather worn out. Naruto quickly fixed them up, and told Asuma to get into the robes he had stole from a Daimyo's personal medic. Of course, he didn't _tell_ them that he had stolen from a Daimyo. The party of five made their way to the room where the document was held, and eyed it apprehensively. Naruto spotted a single camera in the back right corner of the room. He quickly calculated its angle and position; it was directed straight at the document.

Speaking of which, the document was on a pedestal in the centre of the room. It was held up by a small stand, and bound by a red ribbon. The parchment was yellowed, almost to the point of being brown. But for being an almost seven hundred year old document, it appeared to be in fairly good shape. Naruto told them the procedure of the plan, and where to position themselves. As soon as they were in place, a photographer came in to take pictures of 'Fuku-hime' with their document. As Ino and Chouji stood behind the document, Asuma, in his medic nin robes, stood off to their right. Naruto stood behind them with an ordinary scroll under a genjutsu, with a double layered Henge underneath it, making it look like the document for three levels. Shikamaru was off to the side, looking like a bored bodyguard. As the photographer started snapping pictures, Ino moved her head minutely to the right to look at Asuma.

He scratched his nose; that was the signal.

Ino moaned faintly, and fell from her feet. Chouji caught her, and everyone flocked to her side, believing her to be ill. While that was happening, Naruto made his way over, discreetly swiping the document for the fake when he passed in front of the camera's view of the pedestal. He smirked when nobody saw him. Asuma took control of the situation when he picked Ino up and carried her swiftly out of the museum.

Naruto swore under his breath when they were stopped by several Ame Jounin on their way out. He quickly started to mould some clay and got a grip on one of his scrolls in case this got ugly. As one of them started to search him, one of Yon's tails shot out from under Naruto's cloak and stabbed the Jounin in the stomach. Another two moved to attack him, but they were skewered as well. The last one was kicked unconscious by Asuma. Ino quickly shrugged off the robes and pillow, revealing that she was wearing her normal purple combat dress underneath it.

"Great. They must've had genjutsu sensors on the pedestal! Stick close everyone, this might get ugly." Naruto warned them. Chouji put his chips away, Shikamaru stopped slouching, Ino took out a pair of kunai, and Asuma readied his trench knives. They encountered no more opposition on the way out. The five opened the door…

And were greeted by a dozen or so Jounin.

"Oh, _fuck_!" Naruto swore. He reached into two of the four duffel bags on his waist with both hands as one of the Jounin addressed them.

"Intruders; lay down the document, or we will have no choice but to use force." He boomed. Naruto withdrew his hand as his palm mouths chewed on the large amount of clay he had picked up. He reached into one of his pockets and withdrew a red scroll with the kanji for 'Elite' on it. He opened the scroll about half way and poured some chakra into a pair of sealing rings that had the kanji for 'Water' and 'Ice' on them. There were two large blasts of smoke, and Naruto was seen supporting two puppets when the smoke dissipated.

The first puppet was a woman with silver-white hair in a dark blue robe. From her shoulders, two rods with eight rotor blades stuck out on diagonals. In her right hand was a large, plain-looking cleaver. On her left arm was a senbon launcher that was exactly like the one on Naruto's. Her fingers were pointed rods that were dipped in poison.

The second puppet was a rather feminine man with dark brown hair and a black robe. His right hand had extremely sharp blades for fingers, and the tip of a solid sword could be seen poking out from the puppet's right sleeve. The puppet's left hand had been replaced by three metal 'fingers' that opened to look like some sort of black flower with three petals **(A.N.: Think the Doctor Octopus arms from Spider Man 2)**. Along the extended arm were metal strips shaped like shingles that would open up to reveal seals that released hundreds of extra arms of the same kind as the original. Naruto smirked lightly when Team Ten and the Ame Jounin eyed his puppets apprehensively.

"Say hello to Hozuki Mikino and Hyoyari everyone; it's their first time coming out to play in a couple of months!" Naruto said, moving his arms and fingers in a complicated manner. The two puppets darted forwards, clicking incessantly. Mikino raised her cleaver, and the sword in Hyoyari's arm extended. The puppets moved faster than a few of the newer Jounin expected, costing them their heads or their livers or spleens.

Mikino shot a Jounin with a senbon packet, setting him down for the count. She was turned to block a strike from another shinobi, slicing his arm off in the process. One shinobi managed to get a powerful punch in. It hit Mikino in the chest… and went right through her. The Jounin's eyes widened when he felt only water on his arm. Whatever thought was about to go through his head next was stopped when his brain was sliced from the rest of his head. The rotors on Mikino's back began to spin. Naruto made her fly through the crowd, dicing up a few of the Jounin in the process.

Hyoyari slashed another Jounin across the face. The Jounin clutched his sliced eyes, and began to scream as the poison took effect. Hyoyari's arm was swung, and the sword extended into about ten fragments that made the cutting radius of the sword about two and a half metres instead of one. Of course, as a chain, the blade couldn't slice people in half, but it could still poison people. As a small group of three Jounin appeared in front of Hyoyari, Naruto extended a tube from the Hyoton puppet's chest. There was an audible _pop_ and a ball was ejected from the tube. It exploded, releasing a small amount of water. Naruto started to mould Hyoyari's chakra into a field, manipulating the water. It separated into about fifty or so drops of poisoned water, which elongated and froze into ice needles.

"Hyoton: Hansatsu Suishō!" Naruto announced, crossing his arms. The needles shot forward faster than almost any nin could throw, and imbedded themselves into the flesh of the three Ame nin. There were about seven more left. Naruto swung his arm in a wave-like motion, and Hyoyari's left arm extended right in front of him. The eight metal 'tiles' on his arm creaked open to reveal seals. Naruto closed his hand and pointed his index finger straight up. The seals activated, releasing hundreds more of the tentacle-like arms. With them were even more arms with seals on them, creating a never-ending river of arms. They spread a little bit as they converged upon the Ame Jounin, and they crashed into the ground, creating dozens of loud booms. As the kicked up dust cleared, Naruto saw that he had impaled all of the remaining Jounin. One arm had actually gone through one of the Ame nin's skulls, and came out through his ass. Smirking at the complete and utter carnage he had caused, Naruto retracted the arms into their seals. He chortled a little bit at the floored jaws of Team Ten.

"C'mon, we gotta go. That little scuffle's gonna bring the rest of the village down on us" Naruto warned them. As he re-sealed his puppets, his hand mouths spat out the large amount of clay he had consumed with them. He started to mould it, and concentrated the chakra. A huge blast of smoke ensued.

When it cleared, a huge, stylized, clay dragon was crouched in front of them. Naruto leaped onto its back, and beckoned Team Ten to follow. Once they were secure, the dragon took off. Ino cried out in terror as the dragon shifted beneath her. Shikamaru and Chouji looked like their stomachs were a little unsettled, and Asuma had three smokes in his mouth. Naruto just stared on ahead as his dragon began to fly back towards Konoha at a brisk pace for such a large sculpture. His calm was broken when he heard something behind them.

"Shit!" Naruto swore. Approaching them rapidly were several Ame nin, flying on something that he had seen being developed when he was in Ame last year; hover boards. They were simply round discs with rotors underneath them that ran on a small amount of chakra. Even though the amount of chakra they took to run was small, the boards allowed the nin on them to zip through the skies like swallows. Team Ten saw them as well.

"Oh, great! What the hell do we do now?! We're on a giant, flying dragon that's slower than erosion, and they're like kunai launchers!" Ino exclaimed. Naruto turned his annoyed gaze to her.

"Never underestimate my art, Ino!" Naruto shot back, turning his dragon around. He pointed at the tail. And one of the large segments disappeared. The dragon's mouth expanded, like it had bitten off a particularly large hunk of flesh from a beast it had slain.

"Team Ten, grab some popcorn; cuz the fireworks are about to start!" Naruto announced as the dragon spat out a smaller dragon that looked a bit like a pig with wings. It flew much faster than their transport dragon, and got in between three of the twenty or so Jounin that were following them.

"Katsu!" Naruto commanded.

_**KA-BOOM!**_

The dragon blew up spectacularly, incinerating anything within its twenty metre diameter. Five of the hover boards blew up, sending their riders plummeting to the earth about a hundred metres below. Naruto cackled madly as the carnage fireworks began. Another segment of the dragon's tail disappeared, and out of the mouth came about five large swallows that locked onto, and homed in on five of the pursuants.

"These ones are special!" Naruto claimed, barely heard over his cloak flapping in the wind. And true to his word, the swallows exploded into about a dozen pieces of shrapnel bombs each. They fell gracefully like a fountain, exploding in the midst of a small clump of shinobi. Naruto heard a couple of screams over the roar of his art. He had to stop reveling in the blasts of glorious artistic genius as the few remaining Ame nin started to chuck kunai, senbon, and poison bombs at them. Naruto actually had to make the dragon do a few barrel rolls, nose dives, and loop-de-loops in order to avoid their transport blowing Team Ten and him straight to hell. Eventually, he and Asuma managed to get rid of their pursuants. Ino breathed a sigh of relief, and Chouji started to binge on chips.

"That was troublesome." Shikamaru said lazily. Naruto went stiff.

"We're not out of it yet." He retorted. Before anyone could ask him why he said that, one final hover board rose out of the trees below them. The figure on it wore a black and dark purple one piece jumpsuit. He was a rather feminine man with angular blue eyes and long eyelashes. His dark green, almost blue hair whipped about his face as he followed them. On his back was an umbrella. Naruto got a rather nasty grin on his face when he recognized the fellow from the Bingo Book.

"Nice of you to grace us with your miserable ass… Rokusho Aoi." Naruto hissed loudly as his dragon stopped in mid-air. Asuma's eyes widened as he too recognized the Konoha deserter.

"Seems like someone's wise enough to acknowledge my strength." Aoi said with a large amount of arrogance in his tone. Naruto almost laughed; this dude had no idea who he was dealing with.

"Is that so?" Naruto asked, pulling the document out of his cloak, and slipping a hand into one of his clay pouches. The handful that he pulled out left that bag empty, leaving three more pouches of clay at his disposal. Unlike Deidara, Naruto always made sure to bring more clay than was probably necessary, just in case things got dicey.

"I assume you're here to retrieve the document." Naruto asked rhetorically, waving it in front of him like a pendulum.

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing?!" Chouji whisper yelled. Naruto ignored him.

"Yeah I am. Now if you'll be so kind to hand it over, I may let you live." Aoi responded, pulling something from his belt. By the flicker of yellowish energy, Naruto assumed that it was the Nidaime's Raijin sword. Naruto sighed and turned back to Team Ten.

"You guys keep heading for Konoha. I'll catch up to you." He told them. Asuma frowned.

"What are you planning on doing Naruto?" he asked. Naruto turned away from Aoi and grinned beneath his hat.

"The one that I have is a fake. Ino; hug me, and reach into my upper left cloak pocket. The real document is in there." Naruto ordered. Ino did as she was told, and even put a fake sob in with it as she discreetly slipped the document out of his pocket.

"You still haven't answered my question Naruto." Asuma pointed out. Naruto chuckled quietly.

"I'm about to show Aoi… THAT ART IS A BANG!!" Naruto shouted before he did a backwards dive off of the dragon. Everyone on the dragon screamed his name as he fell towards the ground.

"Aoi! You want the document? WELL COME AND GET IT!" Naruto roared to the Ame Jounin. Like a fat kid to cake, Aoi darted after him. Naruto allowed himself to freefall for a couple more seconds until he was about thirty metres from the ground. He whipped his body about, and tapped into the Kyuubi's chakra. The surge of power entered the sculpture in his palm, making it glow an orangey red. It expanded in a puff of smoke, and Naruto darted back into the air on a stylized, iridescent purple and orange swallow. Aoi stopped his descent and hovered in front of Naruto.

"Interesting piece of work you got there, kid." Aoi commented, looking at the glowing swallow that Naruto was standing on.

"Well, thank you Aoi. But let's skip the pleasantries and get with the ass beatings, shall we?" Naruto asked. Aoi smirked.

"Yes, lets." Aoi responded, darting forwards. Naruto manoeuvered his swallow out of the way before he launched a couple of senbon packets at Aoi. The Ame Jounin dodged them with a small bit of difficulty, and countered with a few kunai, and explosive tags. Naruto swerved out of the way, wanting to avoid detonating his demon chakra enhanced swallow at all costs. Even putting a tiny amount of the Kyuubi's chakra into one of his sculptures made it powerful enough to take out almost half of the Hyuuga Compound.

"Futon: Renkudan!" Naruto commanded, launching several balls of compressed wind chakra at his adversary. Aoi did multiple barrel rolls to avoid the projectiles, and launched a Hōsenka no jutsu back at Naruto. Naruto simply transferred some chakra to his mouth and blew it out, extinguishing the fireballs. His swallow screamed forwards, and Naruto took a swipe at Aoi with one of Yon's tails. Aoi blocked the strike with Raijin, sending a small jolt of electricity up through Naruto's body. The blonde retreated a short distance and calculated what he should do.

'_Bombs are out of the question; this guy could be a useful addition to my collection. The major destruction jutsus are the only thing that would probably hit the guy, and the lesser ones would have no effect. I guess that leaves puppets.' _Naruto mused. He whipped out his yellow scroll, and poured chakra into the seal with the kanji for 'Monster'. A small puff of smoke later, Naruto was supporting his largest puppet. The Taki ninja that he had made this puppet from was almost as big as a sumo wrestler. He was so large, that Naruto only put a sash around his waist instead of a robe. The puppet's body was huge and muscular, and covered with poisonous spikes. The only other armaments that he had were a kunai launcher in his mouth, a short sword much like a machete in his left hand, and a trio of blades as his right hand. Aoi looked rather intimidated as he regarded the white-haired puppet.

"Congratulations Aoi; you are the first person to face Bakemono in almost six months." Was all Naruto said before the puppet started its clicking-rich charge. Bakemono brought its right hand back for a swipe, a tiny drip of poison flying off of each blade. Ai retreated, evading the swipe by mere millimetres. Naruto continued to relentlessly attack Aoi with his large puppet. Aoi made the mistake of blocking a punch from Bakemono with the Raijin sword. That one punch shattered the electrical blade like a pane of frail glass. And the force from the punch was so great that Aoi was thrown off of his board and hit his back against a tree. Before he could start falling, two kunai were shot through his hands, giving the feminine man the appearance of one who was crucified.

"Suiton: Mizu no Yaiba!" Naruto shouted. Before Aoi could suck in a breath of shock, an extremely concentrated jet of water tore through his heart, killing him instantly.

Naruto struck a victory pose before re-sealing Bakemono and Aoi's dead body. He wheeled his glowing swallow around and whizzed off to catch up to Team Ten like a bat out of hell.

* * *

A day later, Team Ten reported the success of their mission to the Hokage. To Naruto's surprise, they received a consent form which was a nomination for the Chuunin Exams, which were to be held in one month. 

"But don't I have to be on a team, Ojiisan?" Naruto asked.

"None of the other Genin teams in Konoha compliment your unique skills Naruto. And besides, I'm certain you will do fine on your own." Sarutobi assured him. Naruto nodded and started to let his mind wander on the topic of promotion as he wandered through Konoha absently. He had just finished buying a little bit more clay and eating about ten bowls of Ichiraku Ramen when he spotted a few foreign shinobi coming through Konoha's open gate. There was a couple of Taki teams, three from Suna, and one from Kusa. Just as Naruto was about to turn away, another team caught his eye.

It was a team of Oto ninja. The two males were not who drew his gaze, but the kunoichi...

It was Kin.

Naruto grinned a little bit as he jumped off of the roof he had been standing on and approached the Oto team. All three of them tensed when the stranger in the black cloak with the yellow foxes and the straw hat stopped in front of them. Naruto removed his hat, and Kin's face went immediately from tense to surprise and joy.

"Naruto-kun!" she chirped, running forward and glomping the blonde ninja. Naruto smiled gently as he hugged the dark-haired girl back.

"Good to see you too Kin-chan." Naruto whispered.

"You know this kid, Kin?" the heavily bandaged hunchback asked. Kin released Naruto and looked back at her teammates.

"Dosu, Zaku, this is Uzumaki Naruto. Naruto-kun, these are my teammates Kinuta Dosu and Abumi Zaku." She introduced both parties. Naruto held out his hands, which the Oto nin shook after a second's hesitation.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintance." Dosu said politely.

"Nice to meet ya." Zaku said with a smirk.

"Mutual." Naruto said shortly. "So, what's say I show you three around my home?" Naruto asked. Kin immediately agreed, and Dosu and Zaku saw no problem with Naruto leading them about. The three Oto nin followed the blonde nin as he showed them around Konoha a little bit. As the party of four was strolling casually through the residential district of Konoha, Naruto heard a foreign voice shout.

"That hurt, gaki!" Naruto sighed and replaced his straw hat on his head. Naruto arrived at the scene of the crime to observe two Suna nin **(Guess who?)** harassing a small boy that Naruto knew as Sarutobi's grandson. By the large, turd-shaped object on the pajama-clad boy's back, Naruto could tell that he was about to meet a fellow artist.

"Hey asshole!" Zaku yelled. The two Suna nin looked up to see Naruto's little group. "Put the kid down! And by the way, what's with the makeup and pajamas?" Naruto chortled as he watched the kid with the face paint turn red with fury.

"IT'S FACE PAINT, IDIOT!" he yelled. "And why should I put the kid down? You gonna stop me?" he asked snidely. In a blink, Naruto had darted forwards and had his katar at the boy's throat. Yon's tails were also pointing at his forehead, his heart, his liver, and his privates.

"You'll be dead in a second or two if you don't listen to us." Naruto warned him. The blonde kunoichi reached for a fan on her back, but Naruto redirected one of Yon's tails to point at her heart. "You too, blondie." He snapped. The black clad kid dropped the Hokage's grandson roughly, and the child ran off. Naruto just retracted his tails when he felt an extremely powerful wave of killing intent. He heard five gasps all around him as a redhead emerged from a tree, upside down.

"Kankuro, you're a disgrace to our village." He said in a venomous whisper.

"G-Gaara, I-" Kankuro stuttered. Gaara cut him off.

"Silence, or I will splatter this village with your blood." The redhead whispered. Naruto quirked an eyebrow as the redhead eyed him before using Shunshin to appear in front of Naruto with a cloud of sand. Naruto quirked another eyebrow; no human could control sand; save for the Sandaime Kazekage. The only being Naruto new could control sand was...

"Shukaku." Naruto blurted out. Gaara's eyes widened, and his teammates sucked in a breath.

"... How?" Gaara whispered, obviously wanting to know how Naruto knew of his inner demon.

"You look like an insomniac, and can control sand. The only other being that could do that was your Sandaime." Naruto explained. Gaara's eyes narrowed.

"And you are...?" he asked.

"Uzumaki Naruto." Naruto answered, letting one of Yon's tails wave about. Gaara stared at the tail, and his mouth fell open a fraction as he recognized what Naruto was telling him.

"We leave. Come Kankuro, Temari." Gaara commanded. His teammates followed him away, and Naruto's little party watched them go.

The Chuunin Exams would be very interesting this year.

* * *

**DONE! Again, I apologize for the lon****g wait. Leave a review to express your outrage, please!**

**Jutsu Translations:**

**Kage Bunshin- **Shadow Replication

**Katon: ****G****ōkadan-** Fire Release: Hellfire Bullet

**Katon Kekkai: Hi no Enjin- **Fire Release Barrier: Ring of Fire

**Katon: Karyuu Endan-** Fire Release: Fire Dragon Flame Missile

**T****ōrō****ken- **Praying Mantis Fist

**Tokubetsu Genin- **Special Low Ninja

**Kasumi Enbu no jutsu- **Covering Mist Technique

**Magen: Jubaku Satsu-** Demonic Illusion: Tree Bind Death

**Katon: ****H****ōsenka no jutsu- **Fire Release: Phoenix Immortal Fire Technique

**Hiru Banshō: Bōka no jutsu****- **Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention Technique

**Futon: Furyudan no jutsu-** Wind Release: Wind Dragon Missile Technique

**Jibaku Fuda-** Exploding Tag

**Kassei- **Activate

**Sen'eijashu- **Hidden Shadow Snake Hand

**Sawagakure- **Hidden Swamp

**Doton: ****Retsudotenshō- **Earth Release: Split Earth Turn Around Palm

**Ijō**** no jutsu- **Transfer Technique

**Hyoton: Hansatsu Suishō****- **Ice Release: Fifty Flying Water Needles of Death

**Futon: Renkudan: **Wind Release: Drilling Air Bullet

**Suiton: Mizu no Yaiba****- **Water Release: Blade of Water

**If you don't recognize where the heist**** comes from, I got it from Ocean's Twelve. Ja ne!**


	4. The Sandaime Mizukage

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**By: Dirty Reid**

**Hello again ladies, gentlemen and genderless freaks alike! Sorry about the wait for this story and killing you with the suspense. So to make it up to you, here's a whale of a chapter!**

**Please note that there will be some drug use in this chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: The Sandaime Mizukage**

Over the course of the next few weeks, Naruto spent as much time with Kin and her team as possible. Whether it was walking with them, training with them, or serving them dinner, it didn't matter. All three of them seemed to enjoy his company.

Through a single sparring match with each of the three Oto shinobi, Naruto deduced that none of them were particularly proficient in taijutsu. But they learned quickly. All three of them memorized the basics of the Tōrōken the first time that Naruto taught it to them. Through further analysis, Naruto also discovered that they were somewhat weak in the elemental jutsu area. Based on their origins before becoming Oto shinobi- Kin from Ame, Dosu from Taki, and Zaku from Kumo- Naruto was able to teach them a few jutsu based on their probable elemental affinities. True to his assumptions, Kin and Dosu lapped up the Suiton jutsu he taught them, and Zaku was able to learn a couple of Raiton jutsu with some difficulty. Already formidable, Naruto speculated that Kin's team was definitely Chuunin material when he was through with them.

Said exams were fast approaching, and Naruto had been working on his speed and taijutsu, should he be unable to use his bombs or puppets. He had worked on his own taijutsu style, and requested help from several random Jounin and ANBU whom he had impressed when fighting against Kurenai, Anko and Kakashi. When training with them, Naruto had gained a grasp on the Gōken style, but knew that he was still rather weak in that area, so the style would be of little use.

It was only when Kakashi offered to teach him something that Naruto began to speculate that he was somehow descended from a high and mighty of some clan. Imagine his shock when he learned that he was the son of the person who had sealed the Kyuubi into him: Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage. When Naruto started to get a nasty look on his face, Sarutobi told him that it was best not to dwell on what had already passed. Naruto's mood was lightened somewhat when his grandfather figure said that his mother, Uzumaki Kushina, was quite possibly still alive. From then on, the newly titled Namikaze Naruto made it his life mission to find his mother, if she was still alive, by any means necessary.

* * *

It was three weeks after Naruto had finished his mission with Team Ten, and he was calmly ambling over to the Konoha Academy where the first part of the Exams would be held. Several other ninja filtered in with Naruto, casting wary glances at him, to which he paid no heed. One flight of stairs up, there was a queue of Genin, trying to force entry to a door that read 301, which was being blocked by two unusually large Genin. Naruto scoffed at the pathetic genjutsu that had been used. While he had been training with Itachi for the short time that he had been with them, Deidara had developed a way to train his left eye to dispel genjutsu. Naturally, he had taught Naruto and Sasori how to do the same. As he slunk silently up the stairs, he heard Sasuke's arrogant voice demand that the genjutsu be dispelled. Naruto rolled his eyes; Itachi's words about Sasuke's mouth being the death of him seemed to be growing more accurate by the second. 

The room that the examinees were to wait in was packed with almost two hundred shinobi and kunoichi, give or take a few. A few of them turned to stare as the self-proclaimed artist entered the room. A ripple of murmurs went around the room as several of the assembled ninja probably recognized his Sangakō cloak. Naruto simply leaned against the wall and stared calmly at the competition from beneath his straw hat. He was later amused by the sight of Ino jumping onto the rather disheveled Uchiha's back. Naruto's immediate guess was that Sasuke had picked a fight with the wrong person. As soon as Ino was finished squealing 'Sasuke-kun', the pink-haired girl who had yelled at him back at the Academy all that time ago started to yell at her. Chouji and Shikamaru noticed him and waved or nodded in his direction. They were unable to say anything to him over the racket that Ino and the newly dubbed 'Pinky' were making.

"Sheesh, will you rookies pipe down? You're driving half of the examinees in here absolutely batshit." Said an unfamiliar voice. Naruto turned to see an older boy in a purple tunic and pants approaching the nine Genin. He had an angular face, dark eyes, and a set of large, round spectacles on his face. Something in Naruto's head told him that this person was not who he seemed to be. In his years with Sasori and Deidara, many of the shinobi and kunoichi whom they had met or had been forced to work with had turned on them. They usually ended up dead or crippled. Naruto made a mental note to clap an eye on this person, who had just identified himself as 'Yakushi Kabuto', as he slowly ambled closer to the nine rookies.

"Is this your second attempt Kabuto-san?" Pinky asked.

"Nope. It's my seventh." Kabuto said with something akin to sheepishness in his voice. Ever perceptive, Naruto was not fooled. Kabuto had come to the exams this many times for a reason.

"But coming back again and again is not without its benefits; I've managed to compile a great deal of information on every nin from every country. I could give you some info if you wanted." Naruto was now intrigued. The nine Genin whom Kabuto had been speaking to did not notice Naruto's approach.

"Do you have information on specific examinees?" Sasuke asked, looking quite interested.

"Who did you have in mind?" Kabuto asked. Sasuke looked up, presumably to find the faces of the examinees that he wanted the dirt on. He twitched when he saw Naruto at such a close proximity, but hid it quickly.

"Rock Lee and… him." Naruto smirked when Sasuke had to point at Naruto because he didn't know the blonde's name. Kabuto turned around and stared at Naruto blankly for a second.

"Sasuke-kun? His name is N-" Ino was cut off when Naruto vanished and reappeared behind Ino with a kunai across the platinum blonde's carotid artery.

"Ino, if you utter so much as _one_ _syllable_ of my name, I will give you a hands on lesson in art." Naruto snarled. Ino, knowing what Naruto meant by 'art', made a squeaking noise as Naruto released her and began to tremble. Shikamaru and Chouji were staring at Naruto with fear evident in their eyes. Kabuto had a look of comprehension dawning on his face.

"Well, there's only one first time examinee from Konoha this year that has a name starting with 'N'." he said while pulling out a card, placing it on the ground, and transferring a small amount of chakra into it. After a moment, several statistics appeared, but there was no picture.

"Uzu-" Kabuto was cut off as the card suddenly flew away from him and into the air, straight to Naruto's hand. Cutting the chakra string he had used, Naruto examined the card. On it, he found several pieces of information that no ordinary Genin should know; 'Uzumaki Naruto, now known as Namikaze Naruto, son of Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage of Konoha. Vessel of the Kyuubi no Yoko. Suspected member of the Sangakō Mercenary Group. Suspected in the disappearance of Hyuuga Hiatari. Has numerous contacts among the nukenin world.' Using his chakra, Naruto quickly wiped the card of all of its information, and handed it back to Kabuto. The spectacled Genin's eyes were narrowed, along with everyone else's.

"Name: Unknown. Any other information: Unavailable." Kabuto read. The nine rookies were now staring at Naruto in interest, apprehension, and in one case, envy.

"He probably has no techniques," Sasuke concluded with an arrogant smirk on his face.

"May I remind you, Uchiha, that it was _you_ who almost died by my hands when you chose to fight me. And I barely had to lift a finger to bring you to the brink of death." Naruto shot back. Sasuke's smirk vanished to be replaced by a scowl.

"Moving on…" Kabuto said, pulling out another card. "Rock Lee of Konoha. He has been a Genin for one year, but his sensei, Maito Gai, chose to hold him and his team back until this year. He has no notable ninjutsu or genjutsu techniques, but his taijutsu is off the charts. Teammates are Hyuuga Neji and Tengai Tenten. Mission history is 20 D-ranks and 11 C-ranks." Kabuto read off of the card bearing a picture of a Genin in a green spandex suit with bug eyes, a bowl-cut hairdo and enormous eyebrows that looked like caterpillars. Naruto made a mental note to take 'Rock Lee' as he was called, seriously.

"Anyone else?" No one was able to put in their requests, due to the appearance of a scarred, bear-like Jounin that Naruto knew he had seen before. Flanking him were a dozen or so Chuunin with clipboards.

"Quiet down and listen up punks! It's time for the first stage of the Chuunin Exams!" he boomed, motioning for the examinees to follow. Taking a quick peek inside of the room that they were supposed to enter, Naruto spied pencils and erasers on the multitude of desks, and a large stack of paper on the 'teacher's' desk. Faster than almost anyone could keep up with, Naruto quickly created a Kage Bunshin and placed a genjutsu over it. He listened half heartedly as the man, now known as Morino Ibiki, explained the rules of the exams.

"Any questions?" Ibiki asked to silence. "Very well then. BEGIN!"

**(You know what happens here, so I'll just skip ahead for entertainment's sake.)

* * *

**

Naruto stood alone in front of the Forest of Death. He hadn't needed the Kage Bunshin for the written test after all. He had been able to answer the second question, which was mathematic in nature. Learning how to create his personal poison and a subsequent cure had required many hours of mathematics and science with Sasori.

It had been Mitarashi Anko who had come bursting through the window of the classroom and introduced herself as the second proctor. Naruto had clapped slowly at her entrance, while everyone else was shocked silent. Anko had scowled at him and vowed that she would get him back for humiliating her during his test. To say Sasuke and several others were burning with jealousy when they figured out that Naruto had defeated the kunoichi was a flagrant understatement.

Now, in front of the looming forest, Anko could not help but glare at Naruto as she handed him a waiver stating that neither he nor his family could charge Konoha on the basis of his injury or death during the exam. Naruto signed his waiver without a second thought and went in to get his Earth Scroll. Without a second thought, he stuffed it deep into one of his four clay pouches. He readied himself when he felt three chakra signatures approach him.

"Naruto!" Ino's voice called. The blonde puppet master turned to see Team Ten walking in his direction.

"Yes?" he asked shortly, forcing himself to avoid fondling his scroll-bearing clay pouch.

"We were wondering if you'd like to travel with us for this exam." Ino proposed. Naruto looked at her for a moment before he shook his head.

"Nah. Ya see, if I travel and fight with you three, that means that you didn't complete this exam on your own. Ipso ergo, your natural weaknesses will be covered by me, and so not rectified. That means that if I'm not with you on a mission as Chuunin, some enemy could exploit your weaknesses and I won't be there to save you. And besides, I don't completely trust you not to run off with my scroll." Naruto explained. Shikamaru looked understanding, whereas Chouji and Ino looked rather put out as Naruto turned away to continue to his gate.

"Oh, and don't expect me to show you any mercy if we meet in the forest!" Naruto cheerfully called back to them. Three faces went milky white.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Naruto was sitting on a clay swallow, weaving gracefully through the trees. Earlier, he had created fifty Kage Bunshins to scout the forest. One of them had dispelled about three minutes earlier, having been destroyed by a team from Suna. Naruto had backflapped (He _was_ on his bird, after all) to his entry point and followed the Kage Bunshin's trail. 

As he stopped in a clearing, he spotted two members of the Suna team he had been pursuing. The kunoichi was tending to one of the boys, who had injured his leg. The other one was nearby. He was about ten metres to the right, crouching in the trees, watching his teammates. Silently, Naruto jumped through the air, making sure that his cloak or he didn't brush any leaves as he homed in on the unsuspecting Suna Genin. Bringing his katar back into a thrust position, Naruto brought it forwards when he slammed his feet into the boy's back. With a sick squelching sound, Naruto's blade went straight through his target's neck. The Suna nin managed to grunt before he died. Naruto quickly searched him, and managed to find a Heaven Scroll. Lucky him.

"Kira?" came a feminine voice. Naruto cursed before he jumped straight up into the foliage. As soon as he cleared the treetops, his waiting swallow swooped under him and carried him off.

Naruto had been flying for about ten minutes. The tower he was supposed to bring his two scrolls to was fast approaching. Naruto smirked under his straw hat; too easy.

His good mood was promptly turned sour when he felt his swallow lurch to the side. Naruto turned to see that a flying axe had cut a large gash in the right wing of his swallow. Turning backwards and snarling, Naruto spotted a team hopping through the trees below. He cursed up a storm under his breath before he jumped off of the swallow and into the trees. Ahead of him, the C-1 level swallow exploded in a spectacular display of art. Naruto landed unsteadily on a large branch. He angled his mouth into a frown as the team caught up. Naruto tensed when he recognized Rock Lee among them.

Accompanying Lee was a long-haired Hyuuga boy who was called… Well, Naruto didn't remember his name. He looked to be about a year older than Naruto. He was wearing a short sleeved jacket, dark shorts, and had his right arm and left leg bandaged. His lavender eyes were cold and unemotional spheres of ice.

'_No problem that Hiatari can't solve.'_ Naruto thought. The kunoichi of the team looked to be a little tomboyish. Again, Naruto drew a blank in the name archive. She wore a pink Oriental shirt, dark green pants, and had a pair of large scrolls in holsters by her hips. Her chestnut eyes matched the colour of her hair, which was done up in a pair of buns on the top of her head. Just by looking at the scrolls, Naruto could tell that she couldn't put up much of a fight without her weapons.

"You three got guts, shooting me down like that." Naruto said to them, sliding his hand into one of his clay pouches.

"We're here for your scroll. Please give it to us and we will not have to hurt you!" Rock Lee said… well, shouted. Naruto smirked at Lee's audacity, but remembered that not all Genin were familiar with the Bingo Book.

"You want it so bad Lee?" Naruto asked, making Lee's huge brows furrow; he didn't remember meeting this fellow at any time. How did he know his name?

"Well come and get it!" Naruto taunted. Lee got a determined look on his face before he launched himself at Naruto with surprising speed. Lee brought his leg back and tried to kick Naruto, who suddenly expanded like a balloon at the last second and blew up spectacularly. The waves of the explosion flared out and caught Lee in them, throwing him backwards with tremendous force and searing his spandex suit in the process.

"LEE!" cried the bun-haired girl as her teammate hit the branch. She crouched down to take a look at his injuries, but Lee sprung right back up as though he had simply fallen down. "Neji, where'd he go?" she asked the Hyuuga, who had turned on his Byakugan and was looking around. His eyes widened.

"Holy…" was all Neji was able to say before there was a loud rustling from above.

"FOX PIIIIIIIILE!" yelled a dozen of the same voices as about a hundred Narutos came hurling out of the trees. Neji, 'Buns' (As Naruto referred to her in his head), and Lee started to work furiously at destroying the Kage Bunshins. The zapping sounds of Juken strikes filled the air. Dozens of every conceivable weapon ever invented filled the air as Buns launched them from her scrolls. Loud cries came from Lee as he fought the clone horde one on one. But no matter how well they fought, the clones seemed to just keep coming.

After ten long minutes, Neji, Tenten and Lee were all panting, dirty, cut up, burned and sweaty. Their adversary had not ceased in pounding them with hundreds and hundreds of solid Bunshins, Kibaku Bunshins, Tsuchi Bunshins, a strange Bunshin that, when hit, exploded into blades of wind shaped like crescent moons, and even a couple of Mizu Bunshins. And even after fighting off all of them, they could still not find their target.

"Neji…" Tenten wheezed, hands on her knees and sweat dribbling from her forehead. "Can you see him now?" Neji raised his head a margin and started to power up his eyes.

"Don't bother," said a voice from nowhere. Neji's already pale skin paled even further when the cloaked boy walked out of the flesh of a tree.

"Well congratulations; you three are the first batch of shinobi under Chuunin rank that have survived my 'Billion Bunshin Bomb'." He appraised, clapping his hands slowly. Being mocked by this person only enraged Neji. Activating his Byakugan, Neji's jaw dropped when he saw that the boy was not even out of a quarter of his chakra.

"Well," Neji began, "if you're going to kill us, make it quick." The figure just stood there for a minute before chuckling and vanishing with a poofing sound.

"Another Bunshin!" Lee managed to exclaim very loudly, given his condition.

"He must have left a while ago!" Tenten exclaimed angrily. Neji could only swear under his breath.

* * *

Four long days later, the second exam had ended. Naruto had been bored off his ass, even after asking several of the Jounin and ANBU in the tower to fight him. Naruto had been victorious four times out of the ten matches he'd fought, and tied one of them. 

At the present time, Naruto was standing alone in front of the stage in the main room with seven other teams surrounding him. They were all listening to the Hokage explain the true purpose of the Chuunin Exams, and that they would have to whittle down the number of passed examinees with preliminary matches. Lee's team was all glaring at him, as was Sasuke. Naruto noticed that Sasuke continually rubbed his neck and appeared to be in pain. When he removed his hand, Naruto raised his eyebrow a margin when he recognized a Ten no Juin, courtesy of Orochimaru. When they had invaded Otogakure about four months before Naruto came back to Konoha, the Sangakō had been forced to fight their way through dozens of ninja bearing that mark. While defeating two dozen Jounin level nin would have been something that Sasori, Deidara and Naruto could have done with their eyes closed, the task became significantly harder when their opponents morphed into a bunch of mutated freaks.

Naruto also heard snatches of conversation about the seal amongst the higher-ups. They were talking about taking the Uchiha out of the program for a while the seal was 'dealt with'.

'_Hey idiots, here's an idea; kill him!'_ Naruto thought. He was brought out of thinking of killing Sasuke with one of his puppets, reviving him, and killing him over and over again with every puppet he owned when Sarutobi asked if any one of the twenty-two examinees wished to withdraw. As Kabuto withdrew from the exam, Naruto let fly a miniscule clay fly that landed in Kabuto's hair. He would track Kabuto down later.

"Now that there are an uneven number of examinees," Sarutobi said, "one competitor will have to fight twice. Please direct your attention to the video screen behind me to see who will be fighting twice." A large panel in the wall slid up to reveal a huge score panel. Random names began to flash across the screen very quickly until one particular name came to rest on the board in glowing yellow Hiragana:

**Namikaze Naruto**

'_Figures I'd be the one to fight twice.' _Naruto thought as he rolled his eyes. Sasuke's team, a team composed of the Hyuuga girl, Inuzuka Kiba, and Lee's team were all wondering who Namikaze Naruto was. Team Ten was regarding him with confusion as to his surname being changed.

"We will now select the first round of competitors." Announced a sickly Jounin who had appeared when the examinees had been looking at the board. Said board began to flash through names.

**Haruno Sakura vs. Yamanaka Ino**

The non-competing examinees retreated to the balcony to watch the match. An irate Sasuke was ushered out of the arena by Kakashi, who was promising that he would be up in time to fight. The two 'rivals' both put on a pathetic display of fighting. Sasori would have called the display the two kunoichi put up 'Fighting trash'. The match ended in a draw when both of the girls knocked each other out with a punch. The next match pitted Kin against Kuroki Jin. Kin toyed with the unremarkable boy for a couple of minutes before sticking him with several poisoned senbon needles. Naruto congratulated her warmly when she came back up to the balcony. He received a hug in return. Zaku was pitted against the tall boy in a large jacket on Kiba's team. Naruto was impressed to say the least when the tall boy, after being electrocuted multiple times, somehow managed to place several Kikai bugs into Zaku's wind tubes; effectively plugging them and making Zaku's arms rupture from the chakra buildup. Naruto offered Zaku his sympathies as he used several Kage Bunshins to carry the spiky haired boy out. Dosu was pitted against Akimichi Chouji, who he defeated in… 12 seconds, if Naruto's watch was correct. Dosu slapped him a high five on the way back to Kin and his sensei. Said Jounin was eyeing Naruto suspiciously before he walked off. Naruto knew that there was something not right about that man with the yellow eyes, but he chose to ignore it.

The next match was Tengai Tenten against Sabaku no Temari. Temari toyed with Tenten for a moment, blowing her dozens of weapons away before catching her in a vortex of wind. Tenten had fallen onto Temari's fan, and the Suna girl tossed her over her own pile of weapons when Lee caught her. The next match pitted Neji against Akado Yoroi; one of Kabuto's other teammates. Yoroi was neither strong in taijutsu nor fast, and was promptly Juken'd into the ground by Neji. Hyuuga Hinata went against Tsurugi Misumi next. The older nin displayed a rather unusual ability of being able to dislocate his bones and stretch his body with chakra. Hinata conceded defeat with a broken arm and dislocated shoulders.

**Namikaze Naruto vs. Sabaku no Kankuro**

Naruto smirked under his hat as he walked down to the arena. Kankuro followed behind, equally as confident.

"Hajime!" the sickly proctor called before he stepped back from the imminent massacre that he was sure Naruto would cause. Kankuro unstrapped his puppet and set it down on the floor with a thunk.

"I'll do you a favour gaki, and try to make this as painless as possible." He sneered.

"Uh-huh, sure. You can sure talk big Kankuro, so come out of the wrappings and face me like a man." Naruto declared. Temari's eyes widened. How did this kid know that Kankuro was manipulating his puppet while disguised _as_ the puppet? 'Kankuro's' eyes also widened in surprise.

"So you figured it out, eh?" he said before he freed himself from his wrappings and landed on the floor, fingers twitching in unnecessarily large motions. The 'original' Kankuro began to fall apart like a feeble shell, revealing a wooden four-armed, three eyed humanoid puppet with an untidy mop of chestnut hair, clad in a greyish robe. Naruto recognized the puppet immediately as one of Sasori's original creations, Karasu.

"Hm; and I had the gall to call you an artist." Naruto spat. Kankuro raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" he asked, lowering his hands.

"Anyone who embraces the noble art of puppetry is an artist in both my and my sensei's eyes. That is, of course, once they have completed the unofficial 'Puppeteer's Rite of Passage'; creating their own original puppet. You, Kankuro, have not completed this test by using someone else's puppet. Therefore, you cannot be considered a true artist." Naruto explained. It took Kankuro a second to register the subtle insult that Naruto had placed in his speech. His face contorted into a scowl when he had processed Naruto's words.

"Well what the hell do you know?!" Kankuro snapped before he swung his arms, making Karasu fly directly at Naruto. The puppet clicked in the likeness of all of Naruto's puppets in battle. As Karasu swung one of its arms, Naruto ducked, knowing that a poisoned knife would extend from the puppet's wooden palm. And sure enough, a knife whistled through the air, missing Naruto by almost a foot. Naruto dived to the side and regained his casual composure, appearing as bored as an Academy student during a history class. All the while, one of his palm mouths was casually chewing on a small wad of clay, preparing an attack.

Karasu turned and fired several kunai from its mouth. Naruto casually leaned from side to side, each kunai missing him.

"The fact that you use such simple attacks and are only able to control a single puppet are just sickening Kankuro." Naruto taunted/remarked, further enraging Kankuro.

"Shut up and fight!" he shouted, redirecting Karasu to face Naruto.

"Gladly," Naruto replied, tossing his finished art up into the air. The tiny clay grasshopper he had crafted expanded in a puff of smoke. It barely touched the ground as it hopped towards Kankuro and Karasu. Unable to react fast enough with the amateur puppeteer at his strings, Karasu was stuck with the grasshopper. The small bomb went up in a spectacular yellow and orange flash of art, taking one of Karasu's legs, two of its arms, and part of its face with it. Kankuro looked horrified as the smoke lifted to shed light upon his ruined weapon.

"You lose Kanky." Naruto stated. His smirk faltered when Kankuro pulled a scroll out of his shirt. Kankuro rolled the scroll open to reveal the kanji for 'Spider'

"You'll have to take back your little declaration of me not being a real puppeteer gaki. Say hello to Onigumo!" he said as he disappeared in a huge blast of grey smoke. As the summoning smoke lifted, Naruto took the new puppet into account. It had to be at least two times as tall as Kankuro, and almost three times as wide at the rear, if there were three Kankuros standing shoulder to shoulder. By a visual estimate, Naruto guessed the puppet to weigh about one hundred kilograms. As the name implied, Onigumo looked like a giant spider from Hell. It was midnight black, and had eight eyes like a real spider. Looking closer, Naruto discovered that they were actually cameras so the puppeteer could see or take pictures of his or her foes for later reference. Of course, the cameras would only be used for plainly seeing the opponent if the puppet could be operated from the inside. The tip of every leg was adorned with a quartet of hooked blades on hinges, presumably for gripping surfaces, making multiple scratches or closing around a foe. There were hundreds of tiny holes in the lower legs, presumably for launching senbon or kunai at an unsuspecting enemy. The underside of the spider was festooned with blades and saws and spikes. Naruto came quickly to the conclusion that the legs were most likely spring-loaded so that the puppet could be launched into the air and brought down on an opponent to impale them with most likely highly poisonous blades. The pedipalps and fangs of the puppet were probably hollow and most likely used for spewing poisonous gas or acid. The top of the spider was probably a shield or an open chamber so that the puppeteer could hide underneath or inside of it in case of an aerial attack.

"Okay, I take my claim back. That is truly an impressive puppet Kankuro." Naruto said appraisingly. Kankuro grinned a little bit.

"But," Naruto began again, "you're still just a puppet _user_. Whereas me…" Naruto sank into the floor, and reappeared on the stage, clutching a goldenrod-coloured scroll. He tossed it up into the air, where it unfurled. Naruto placed his hands in a ram seal, and a bright glow of blue chakra began to burn around his hands. Bright yellow objects began to jump out of the scroll and fly into the air. Naruto raised his arms and extended his fingers. Ten chakra strings shot from them before splitting into five. Each string attached to one of the now stationary yellow objects, which were now revealed to be puppets of varying size and ferocity. The one thing that they had in common was that they were all armed to the teeth.

Kankuro's eyes became so large that they would surely leave his skull if his opponent did anything else. Up on the balcony, everyone's eyes widened, or their jaws fell open, or they gasped.

'_So he was holding back the whole time when he fought me!'_ were the thoughts of Kurenai, Anko and Kakashi.

'_I've heard of puppet masters before, but DAMN!'_ thought Kankuro's sensei, Baki. Naruto smirked at all of the attention.

"… I'm a puppet _master._" Naruto finished his long drawn out sentence.

"Kīroi Higi: Gojuki no Sōen: My own original technique and one of the strongest puppet techniques in existence. With this jutsu, I brought down a large village of shinobi and mercenaries." Naruto explained. Kankuro snapped himself out of his stupor.

"H-how?" was all he managed to squeak out. "Most puppeteers can only control ten at the best!" he exclaimed. Naruto angled his mouth into a smile.

"Well Kankuro, I've never been one to go with the crowd unless I have to act that way. And as for how I can control fifty puppets at once; I was trained by the greatest puppet master to ever leave Sunagakure, who coincidentally, is also the puppet master that designed Karasu there." Naruto answered. Kankuro's face went white.

"YOU WERE TRAINED BY AKASUNA NO SASORI?!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. Sarutobi and every other Jounin in the room, as well as the Suna team, gasped or widened their eyes or let their mouths fall open as they learned the mystery of one of Naruto's 'niisans' being one of the most dangerous shinobi in the Bingo Book. Kankuro looked over to the sickly proctor.

"Sir, I'd like to withdraw before this guy kills me." Kankuro quickly stammered. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Very well. As Sabaku no Kankuro has conceded defeat, Namikaze Naruto is the winner." Naruto re-sealed all of his puppets and placed the scroll back into his inner pocket. As Kankuro quickly sealed Onigumo back into its scroll, Naruto walked up behind him.

"Nice puppet," he whispered, making Kankuro jump. Naruto chuckled to himself before he walked casually back up to the balcony.

Naruto didn't keep track of the next few matches. The only notable match was the one between Rock Lee and Sabaku no Gaara. Lee relentlessly tried to attack Gaara with taijutsu, but the demon-influenced sand of Shukaku protected the redhead. Lee finally leaped up onto the statue of the two hands and dropped his leg weights. Naruto's eyebrows raised his hat a margin when the weights created craters in the ground. Lee finally managed to hit Gaara, but only crumbled the layer of sand that Gaara kept plastered on himself. Naruto sucked in a breath when Gaara looked up and appeared to have gone as insane as he did when he used too much of the Kyuubi's power in a fight against twenty Takigakure oinin after he had acquired Bakemono's corpse. The result had not been pretty.

Back to the match. Gaara was now pounding Lee with his sand relentlessly. After a moment or two, Lee blurred out of sight and performed- to Naruto's awe- the fabled Omote Renge. He had never seen one of those forbidden taijutsu techniques before. But now, he took in the artistic and destructive splendour of the attack Lee used on Gaara. Inside the crater on the floor, Lee stumbled out. Naruto looked inside the crater to see Gaara's body… dissolve into sand. The match went to Hell in a handbasket (Naruto snickered as he associated Lee's condition with a con) for Lee from then on. Even after stepping it up and performing the Ura Renge, Gaara bounced back and managed to crush Lee's arm and leg. He was about to kill Lee when their sensei, Gai, whom Lee was a carbon copy of, intervened. Unsurprisingly, Gaara was announced as the winner.

It was then that Sasuke and his sensei appeared on the balcony. The seal being 'dealt with' didn't seem to affect him. It was at that moment that the final match was decided.

**Namikaze Naruto vs. Uchiha Sasuke**

This time, Naruto simply jumped over the railing and landed on the floor. The shock that went up through his legs went ignored as he took his position in front of Sasuke.

"You took me by surprise back at the Academy. That won't happen again." Sasuke proclaimed. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke; so arrogant as to believe that you can defeat any opponent, simply because you've got a nasty eye tick." Naruto said condescendingly.

"Regardless, I'm going to pay you back for humiliating me." Sasuke spat. Naruto shook his head.

"Fine then. I won't hold back at all. You _will_ know your place Uchiha trash." Naruto growled before he jumped back to the stage. Sasuke was barely fazed by the agility that his opponent showed. He began to get on guard when Naruto pulled a red scroll out of one of his pockets.

Naruto smirked as he unraveled his 'Elite Kugutsu Scroll' to the first sealing point. The kanji of the sealed puppet read 'Three'.

"This puppet was the hardest to add to my collection," Naruto said fondly, "but that's what makes him my favourite." A blue glow of chakra surrounded the kanji ring on the seal, resulting in an enormous output of smoke. Sasuke tried to activate his Sharingan as he readied himself for the oncoming assault, but the seal on his neck sent a jolt of pain through his body.

Naruto could be seen through the smoke without his hat on. Sasuke took in his opponent's appearance as well as he could: Blonde, spiky hair, ocean blue eyes, and six whisker-like marks on his cheeks. His eyes expanded when he was able to see the figure that was accompanying Naruto. The face was of a middle aged man with light brown, almost red hair with long sideburns. His skin did not look like normal skin, but rather some varnished material. His hands looked like brownish bones. But it was what the figure was wearing that made Sasuke feel as though his chance of winning had just crumbled like an old rock face.

The figure was dressed in a mostly white robe with metallic blue splotches of colour on it. On the chest of the robe was the kanji for 'Water'.

"No way! It c-can't be! Th-that's-!"

"The Sandaime Mizukage." Naruto finished Sasuke's sentence for him. Up in the stands, every ninja in the room suddenly became fearful.

"No way…" Kakashi murmured.

"It was _Naruto_ who murdered the Mizukage?" Asuma gasped.

"Perhaps his flames of youth are not as benevolent as I believed them to be…" Gai said in a surprisingly small voice.

"It can't have been him. He had a hard time beating us three, remember?" Anko reminded Kurenai and Kakashi.

"I suppose he probably could have had Sasori or Deidara do it for him." Kurenai thought out loud. Sarutobi turned to them.

"You are all forgetting one of the key things Naruto told us about himself." He reprimanded them lightly. All five of the Jounin turned their attention to the old man.

"He told us he could control a small amount of the Kyuubi's chakra, remember?" Five looks of comprehension lit the faces of the five shinobi before they were again clouded with contemplation.

"He must have lied to us about being able to control just a small amount of the fox's chakra then. He would need to have an incredible amount of control over it in order to take on a Kage level shinobi." Anko said. Kakashi looked over at the purple haired snake woman.

"Let us all not forget that the Mizukage disappeared _four years_ ago." He said. "Naruto would have only been eight years old at that point. The fox must have given Naruto a great excess of chakra for some reason." Everyone was now looking surprised as they realized how old the story of the Mizukage disappearing was.

"He _did _say that he and Sasori and Deidara were attacked in Kirigakure four years ago." Asuma said, recalling Naruto's words about how he discovered the fox.

"We may have to keep a closer eye on him, now that we know that the Kyuubi can have some influence over Naruto with his chakra." Sarutobi told his subordinates as he turned back to the match.

"I know what you're thinking Sasuke: _'That can't be the Sandaime Mizukage! My exceptionally volatile, insanely powerful and dashingly handsome opponent must have just made a puppet that looks like him!'_" Naruto said in a voice with the traditional lisp one associated with stereotypical homosexuals speaking. Sasuke's eyes twitched as the blonde mocked him. Sakura and Ino were seething, and the boys and Kin were laughing, forgetting that Naruto had disposed of a Kage level tyrant for a moment.

"Well know this: Except for the one I first used against you, every single one of my puppets is made from either a human corpse or a shinobi I have slain over the years. The Sandaime Mizukage was my third puppet. And seeing as you are probably all wondering how I managed to kill him, I'll tell you. Kinda ironic actually; I drowned him while… 'Under the influence' so to speak." All of the Jounin and higher ranked nin in the room deciphered the cryptic message immediately: 'The Kyuubi had taken over and killed the Mizukage.'

"But enough of my mumbo-jumbo, it's time for trivia! Uchiha Sasuke: The Sandaime Mizukage was on par with which Hokage? A) The Shodai, B) the Nidaime, C) Ojiisan up there, or D) None of the above." Naruto asked like a game show host. Sasuke started to open his mouth.

"Ah, don't answer that. It's more fun if you learn it the hard way!" Naruto declared as he brought his right hand forwards. The Mizukage creaked as it seemed to dive forwards and fly at Sasuke, clicking incessantly. Sasuke readied a pair of kunai to defend himself.

"Shi-ne!" Naruto shouted as he made a scissor-like motion with his arms. The Mizukage brought its right arm out and extended an enormous wooden hand with five digits that had one to two foot long blades as its fingers. Sasuke's world seemed to slow as the blades came closer to slicing him into Uchiha bits. As he moved backwards, Sasuke spied something that remained from a previous match; part of a broken wooden puppet. In a nick of time, and extremely painfully, Sasuke used the Kawarimi to switch himself with the wreckage of the old puppet. The huge bladed hand of the Mizukage clamped down upon the wreckage. There was a faint sound of wood being strained before the puppet's remains snapped into splinters of wood, metal, and leftover weapons. Sasuke shielded his eyes against the debris that flew everywhere. Bad idea. Sasuke heard the sound of metal slithering over metal and a quiet _click_ before a black metal tentacle that blossomed open into six 'fingers' grabbed his face and lifted him off of the ground. Sasuke tried to pry it off, but the hold was iron clad. It swung through the air and released Sasuke, sending the boy flying. Landing rather painfully on his back, Sasuke stole a glance at the human puppet. The enormous blade hand was sticking out of the puppet's right sleeve, and the tentacle-like arm had slithered out of its left. When the puppet didn't move for a few seconds, Sasuke looked back over to the stage to discover that Naruto had vanished. When he retried to activate his Sharingan, which he had acquired on a C-rank mission to Takigakure, the seal on his neck sent a painful twinge through his body.

"S'matter Sasuke? Juin botherin' ya?" said Naruto's infuriating voice from… nowhere. "I suppose it should. Orochimaru likes to put his boy toys through a lot of pain to weaken them before he 'has his way with them'. Interpret that as you will." Anko had stuffed her fist into her mouth when Naruto had insinuated that Orochimaru wanted Sasuke as one of his playthings, and not in the 'Playing Kami' sense.

"How the hell do you know about this seal?" Sakura shouted from her vantage point, seemingly to no one. All of the other spectators were interested too.

"It's simple Pinky; Orochimaru has always had a great lust for power. He lures potential power sources to him with the gift of that Juin. And while it likely has a few perks, as with any form of dark or evil device or power, the user loses their free will to it if it is used in excess. I also hear it makes male bearers sterile. But Sasuke shouldn't be too bothered by that; his type doesn't have the other piece of equipment needed to make a kid anyways." Several older nin in the room chortled or outright laughed at the jab. Sakura and Ino were both red in the face.

"SASUKE-KUN IS NOT GAY!" They shrieked in unison.

"That so? Think about it for a second there, girls. He has every teenage girl and likely every cougar in Konoha basically throwing themselves at his feet, begging to bear his children, and he shrugs them off like dust. If that doesn't qualify as gay, I don't know what the hell does." Naruto responded with barely contained amusement in his voice.

"But back to business. The answer to my question is this; the Nidaime. Why? Because like the Nidaime, the Sandaime Mizukage also had such a high affinity for water, he could create it from nothing, like so. Suiton: Suishōha!" A large, swirling pillar of water surrounded the puppet before it exploded outwards in a huge wave. Sasuke was caught in the wave and thrown about like a piece of driftwood in a hurricane. He quickly surfaced and started to tread water.

'_Something doesn't feel right about this water; it's too heavy.'_ He thought before Naruto's voice rang out again from nowhere.

"Gotcha! Suiton: Suirō no jutsu!" Before Sasuke could react, the water rose up around him, trapping him in a cold, wet sphere. He looked around, but still didn't see Naruto.

"Naruto!" Kakashi called, "How are you using that jutsu like that? I've always heard the Suirō no jutsu requires the caster to be in contact with the prison in order to be effective!"

"Clearly Kakashi, you never studied up on the Mizukage." Said Naruto's voice from somewhere high up. Dozens of heads redirected their gazes to the ceiling to see the blonde sticking halfway out of the ceiling with his hands manipulating his puppet. "Like the Sandaime _Kaze_kage, the Sandaime Mizukage was also able to manipulate his chakra into a field. This field allowed him to control any amount of water in the immediate area, like I'm making my puppet do right now." Naruto ended his explanation as he dropped out of the ceiling and landed on the water without a splash.

"I'm getting tired of standing here and watching Sasuke lose. Katon: Ryuuka no jutsu!" Naruto brought his upper body backwards and spewed out a jet of yellow-white flame. The column of fire hit the water prison, creating enormous plumes of steam. More water from the Suishōha rose up to supply the prison and be turned into steam. Sasuke's cry of pain was barely heard over the roar of the fire and the hiss of the steam. The fire jet stopped after a couple of seconds, and the water from the large pool stopped rising, due to the lack. Sasuke was thrown to the floor, still steaming, and started to convulse in pain as he suffered from full body third degree burns, courtesy of the steam.

"I think it's safe to say that I've won." Naruto chirped cheerfully. The sickly proctor nodded, still reeling from the sheer power this Tokubetsu Genin exhibited.

"Shosha, Namikaze Naruto!" he announced as Naruto re-sealed his puppet and ambled casually to centre stage where the winners were told to come. Morino Ibiki asked them to pick a number from the hat he passed to them, which would determine who they would fight in the finals a month from then. Naruto was first matched up against Hyuuga Neji, and the victor of that match would fight against Sabaku no Gaara.

* * *

It was about two days after the preliminaries had ended. Naruto had celebrated by treating Kin and Dosu to all the ramen they could eat. He had trained with them for the rest of the day afterwards. Regrettably for Kin and Naruto, who had grown quite a bit closer over the month they had spent together, they had to start training separately because their sensei was getting edgy about Naruto being around his students. 

Two days into not training with the Oto team, Naruto stood alone on a large stream. He had removed his fishnet shirt and cloak, exposing his pale upper body to the world. His straw hat remained on. Naruto's arms were outstretched and his eyes were closed in concentration. He was concentrating so hard because almost every part of his upper body, save his face, was covered by hundreds of senbon needles, sticking to his skin by the tips while he stood on the water. Naruto had been designing this exercise for almost two months, having taken that long to grasp and perfect it himself. He had designed this exercise to aid in mastering jutsu that required heavy duty chakra control like medical ninjutsu. He also told himself that he designed it for if he should ever become a Jounin sensei and want to teach his students some high level chakra control. Although Sarutobi told him that would not prove likely; the old prunes called the council of elders had learned of his secret return. The civilian members and Sarutobi's old teammates had immediately called for his blood, claiming him to be an 'abomination' and a 'danger to Konoha'. An old man named Danzo, who Sarutobi said was once a rival for his title, requested inducting Naruto into his own special division of ANBU for 'intensive training'. Sarutobi had blatantly refused all of these demands and said that Naruto himself would have the ability to deal with any attempt of capture or assassination, as well as those who commissioned them, as he saw fit. No more demands were raised.

Naruto stopped thinking about the creative ways he could turn the council into puppets when he felt four presences behind him. Naruto immediately transferred a large jolt of wind natured chakra to his back, launching the hundred or so needles off at high speeds. Unsurprisingly, the higher-than-Jounin chakra signatures easily evaded the wind chakra laced senbon as they tore straight through the wood of the trees that they had been hiding in. That tiny fraction of a second was all Naruto needed to pull off a Kawarimi and snatch up his clothing. As he prepared his goldenrod puppet scroll, a familiar voice floated out to him.

"Sheesh, you're edgy today, yeah." Said Deidara as he fell gracefully out of the tree. Naruto grinned at his niisan, who still wore his Sangakō cloak, decaled with sky blue birds. On Deidara's face were his favourite orange sunglasses.

"Hisashiburi Deidara-niisan." Naruto said with a smile.

"You can say that again." Said another familiar voice that belonged to Sasori. Sure enough, there was the puppet master in all his red-haired glory, also wearing his cloak with its red scorpions.

"**Good to see you again **Naruto-kun." Said a voice with a robotic quality before a deep bass voice finished the sentence. Naruto looked to his left as Zetsu rose out of the ground. The Kusa nukenin remained unchanged, from his venus flytrap head down to his dark green cloak.

"Where's number four?" Naruto asked before he noticed something was off; the river was flowing too slow, based off the sound of the rushing water. Naruto closed his right eye and transferred chakra to his left, dispelling the genjutsu.

"Very good Naruto. You've gotten a lot better since Sawa." A soft tenor voice appraised. Naruto turned to his right and was greeted by the sight of the one, the only, Uchiha Itachi. When Naruto had last seen the older teenager when he was fifteen, Itachi had still wore the slightly tattered ANBU armour and cloak of Konoha. He had wore no mask and a pair of ninja-to in ordinary black sheaths had been strapped over his back.

Itachi had done a complete 180 on his ensemble since the last time they had been together, Naruto noted. The Uchiha wore a dark pink shirt, bordering red. In black kanji over his chest were the words 'Tough guys wear pink.' Over the pink shirt was a thin, plain black jacket. He wore plain black pants with a small amount of room in them for manoeuvrability. On his feet were plain black ninja zori. His hair was done up in a rat tail and fell to between his shoulder blades. On either sides of his waist were the two ninja-to he had first been seen with. In Itachi's right ear was a small hoop earring with something that looked like a tiger shark fang on it. But the piece de resistance in Itachi's clothing ensemble were the rose tinted sunglasses on his face. For some odd reason, Naruto could not think of a nasty joke to make about them. They just… _worked._

And despite Naruto's previous interactions with the pompous and arrogant and unemotional rocks that were the Uchiha Clan, Itachi seemed to stand apart from them. He took any opponent seriously, even if they were a Genin. While the few Uchihas that Naruto had met were stiff, cold and aloof, Itachi was a little more emotional to the point where he would snicker at jokes, look sombre if someone he cared about died, or get irritated if his honour was insulted. And instead of stiff, Itachi was more laid back when he wasn't in the heat of battle. He liked to drink when he could, and had a 'fetish' as Deidara so eloquently put it, for Pocky. Naruto rarely saw Itachi without a stick of the stuff hanging out of his mouth like a cigarette.

"What're you four doing here? I don't think that the big bads here would be too nice to you if they found you." Naruto warned them. Sasori scoffed.

"We're S-ranked for a reason Naruto; it'll take a lot more than some walls and greenhorn Chuunin to stop us from coming in here. Speaking of which, congratulations on making it to the finals of the Chuunin Exams." Sasori shook Naruto's hand a little too firmly, making Naruto bob up and down with his shakes.

"We should celebrate, yeah! Our otouto's catching up to us!" Deidara exclaimed. Zetsu's halves roared in their agreement, Itachi nodded with a grin, and Sasori pumped his fist into the air.

* * *

It was an hour later and the five shinobi were sitting inside of Naruto's ritzy apartment. The multicoloured lights were on and dim, making the room feel more mysterious. The table had been cleared and five chairs had been drawn up around it. Zetsu had suggested that they do something that none of them had done before before they ended up in Naruto's apartment. 

"I don't know, like a practical joke **or something.**" He said when Naruto asked what.

Deidara had suggested that they all take a dump on the Hokage Monument and let it fester. While that idea elicited many a busted gut, it was eventually ruled out.

Itachi suggested that they raid the ANBU H.Q., steal all of the women's undergarments, and sling them over the Hokage's tower. Again laughs were had, but that idea was also ruled out because not even Itachi was good enough to get back into ANBU H.Q. without getting seen.

Sasori suggested that they steal the training clothes of all of the Academy students, and replace them with sparkling pink ballerina outfits. Zetsu, after laughing, pointed out that they didn't have three hundred ballerina outfits.

The plant man suggested that they replace all of the flowers in every flower shop throughout Konoha with poison ivy under Henge. All of them got a sly look on their faces as they imagined the civilians and ninja in the village rolling around on the ground itching like crazy.

It was then that Naruto asked if any of them had done drugs before. After four heads shook a 'no', Naruto darted off after giving them an address and telling them to head to his apartment. Naruto joined them fifteen minutes later, holding a bong and a small bag of a dark green substance.

So here they were, lighting up a bong full of marijuana in a dim room to make the effects feel even better. Seeing as he was the one to suggest the idea, Naruto took the first puff. He inhaled a small amount of the essence the burning plant gave off and waited.

"Whoa… dude… why are there monkeys on my wall that are…" Naruto abandoned his sentence as he started to giggle. Itachi casually grabbed the bong and took his own puff. When nothing happened, he took a second puff. After five seconds of sitting stock still, tears welled in the Uchiha's eyes. He hunched over and began to wail hysterically.

"THEY'RE ALL DEAAAAD!" he wailed, sniffing and hiccupping in between words. "My family's deeeeaaad! I killed them aAaAaAaALL!" he cried before he stopped like a lamp that just had its cord yanked. "AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" he said before he extended his arms to his side, fell backwards off of his chair and started to laugh uproariously. Sasori looked as though he had just come to some sort of unsettling conclusion when he crossed his arms and 'Hmph'd'

"Now I regret turning myself into a puppet. No lungs, no buzz." He muttered sourly. Zetsu heard him and started rummaging around in his coat for something. After a minute, he closed his hand and pulled out a small vial. Inside of it was a single beetle. Its shell was a purplish colour with red mottling that vaguely resembled a human skull. Its underside was a poisonous green and its horns and mandibles were a dark blue.

"This is a little monster called the 'Megadeath Beetle'. **It's called that because even letting its innards touch your tongue will poison you**. It also produces deadly venom. One millilitre of the stuff is strong enough to kill five people within one day. **It also burrows through wood, leaving a neurotoxin from its shell in the wood**. This toxin was used by primitive people as a hallucinogen, so it should work for you." Zetsu handed the Megadeath Beetle over to Sasori, who carefully uncorked the vial and took out the beetle. He undid his Sangakō cloak and held the beetle up to his skin. The little colourful insect immediately latched onto the puppet master's body and started to burrow in. A tiny purple ring formed around the hole where it had gone in. For a moment, nothing happened. Sasori suddenly jolted straight up, his eyes rolled back into his head and his hair went purplish.

"Whoa… DUUUDE! There are, like, rainbow fairies dancing around and… whoa… hellooo, gorgeous." Sasori had turned to Deidara who started to edge away from his red-haired friend as he took a few drags on the bong. A moment later, Deidara started to look at Sasori, who thought he was a girl, and started to giggle.

"Hey there little boy, wouldja like some candeeeeeeeee?" Deidara asked in a surprisingly feminine voice before he leaned onto Sasori, making them both start to laugh.

The wonders of pot kept going around the five nin. Zetsu began to recite lines from famous plays in all sorts of different accents, while his sides changed colours rapidly in a psychedelic display. Itachi started to sing love songs after a few more drags. Naruto simply broke down laughing his ass off whenever he opened his eyes and saw something. Deidara and Sasori were chatting away like a couple of older women friends, their words slurred and slow.

But despite their current states of stonedness** (This word just seems appropriate for the situation, despite it not being a word at all)**, all five nin could detect a strong chakra signature approaching them. Naruto looked up and was able to restrain his giggle fit when the door flew in, and a Jounin with an awful hairdo and wearing a hideous green leotard burst into the room.

Naruto narrowed his eyes as he saw Maito Gai stop dead in his tracks. Unbeknownst to the others, Naruto had also bought a pot cigarette, which he brought out and lit faster than his drug-induced brain thought he could. He lobbed it through the air, straight at Gai.

"BY THE POWER OF YOUTH! NARUTO-KUN IS HO-" Gai stopped when something paper-like and cylindrical entered his mouth, causing him to inhale an extremely potent blast of hallucinogenic smoke. Gai's brain, a virgin to the effects of any form of depressant, was instantly clouded by the drug's effects. Tears welled in Gai's eyes and he began to wail hysterically, although it sounded more like he was bellowing in agony. Naruto and his nukenin friends and niisans winced in agony, covering their ears. Listening to Gai wail suddenly sparked an extremely creative, extremely nasty idea in Naruto's head.

"Yo Deiiiiiiidaraaaaa, Sasssssoriiii, help me ooouuuuuut heeere." Naruto drawled, his lips and vocal cords slowed drastically by the marijuana. The two addressed ninja got unsteadily up and waddled over to Naruto. All three of them grunted as they strained to lift Gai's tremendous weight. Itachi had the forethought to unstrap the weights on his legs.

"What art thou initiating, young roooogue?" Zetsu asked in his ordinary voice. Naruto simply smiled as he beckoned sloppily for Zetsu and Itachi to follow.

* * *

"I wonder what's keeping Gai-sensei? He's never late for anything. You'd think that visiting Lee would be the most important thing to do on his list." Tenten wondered aloud. Neji grunted in agreement, not letting his frustration and anxiety show. This Namikaze Naruto was extremely strong by the sounds of it and very skilled by demonstrating the abilities of supporting fifty puppets at once, and having, apparently, drowned the Sandaime Mizukage to death. Neji, however, noticed that the blonde boy seemed to win his matches by brute force, if his 'Billion Bunshin Bomb' was any indication. If Neji could learn a bit more of his strategy, maybe pick apart how a puppet master wins his matches, he could perhaps stand a chance against the blonde. 

The Hyuuga's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by some sort of bellow that sounded not too far away. Tenten was brought out of her reverie when the noise reached her ears.

"What was that?" she murmured, unconsciously letting her hand drift towards one of her weapon scrolls. Neji too admitted silently that the odd wail made him feel a little edgy.

It came again, this time closer, and from the south. Neji and Tenten turned just in time to get a first hand view of the noise's source.

It was Gai-sensei. He was staggering erratically and even from several metres away, the two Genin could still tell that Gai's oddly red face was from crying.

"Gai-sensei? What's wrong?" Tenten asked curiously. "Did something happen…" she trailed off before her eyes widened. "Lee's okay right? _Right?_" she asked, her already high voice going up in pitch ever so slightly. Gai looked up and seemed to hear her for the first time.

"TENTEN!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs before he collapsed on her small shoulders, making her buckle under his- albeit lessened- tremendous weight. Neji quirked an eyebrow in concern; Gai never threw himself at people and cried before. Although, Neji considered, it wouldn't be much out of the ordinary if he did.

"N-Neji," Tenten began, "a little help… what the?" Tenten took a few sniffs of the air and around her crying sensei's hair.

"What is it Tenten?" Neji asked curiously.

"That smell…" Tenten began before she buckled again under her sensei's weight. "I think Gai-sensei's stoned!" she exclaimed.

"_Stoned?!"_ Neji repeated, not believing what he was hearing; Gai-sensei was a druggie?

"STONED OFFA HIS ASS, BITCH!" Someone yelled. Neji and Tenten turned to see five people turning tail and laughing uproariously… and one with a fox-decaled cloak…

"NARUTOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Finally, here's chapter 4. I know I probably did a bad job on the effects of pot on Naruto and company, but I've never done pot before, and I don't intend to. And for those hard critics who will say that you should've had Naruto conserve his power, think about it for a second: this is NARUTO I'm writing about! The guy never misses an opportunity to flaunt his power, so why shouldn't he do it in here?**

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: PLEASE SEE MY PROFILE, READ MY 'ATTENTION' NOTE, AND SEND ME YOUR IDEAS AS PMs, OK?!**

**Ta ta,**

**Dirty Reid**

**Translations:**

Tōrōken- Praying Mantis Fist

Gōken- Strong Fist

Sangakō- Three Artists

Kage Bunshin- Shadow Clone

Kibaku Bunshin- Exploding Clone

Tsuchi Bunshin- Earth Clone

Mizu Bunshin- Water Clone

Ten no Juin- Cursed Seal of Heaven

Onigumo- Demon Spider

Kīroi Higi: Gojuki no Sōen- Yellow Secret Technique: Performance of Fifty Puppets (This is the correct way to say it, which I just found out.)

Omote/Ura Renge- Initial/ Front Lotus

Shi-ne- Die

Suiton: Suishōha- Water Release: Water Shockwave

Suiton: Suirō no jutsu- Water Release: Water Prison Technique

Katon: Ryuuka no jutsu- Fire Release: Dragon Flame Technique


	5. Special Update

Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**Special Update**

**To my fans:**

**Thank you for all of the ideas for my Uchiha OC's bloodline ability. I have reviewed the dozens of suggestions that came in and have narrowed it down to these:**

**1) Able to shoot laser blasts from her eyes. Can penetrate concrete if enough chakra is used. Drawback: She is limited to using three shots before she is exhausted of chakra.**

**2) Able to reflect elemental jutsu of her own chakra affinity. Drawback: She can only use elemental ninjutsu of that element (Katon, for example) afterwards. She also becomes incredibly aroused after shutting the technique off.**

**3) She distorts the perception of her enemy's retinal rods and cones (Parts of the eye that pick up and process an image), making them unable to keep their balance or destroying their depth perception completely for a short time. Drawback: She goes blind for about half an hour afterwards.**

**4) She can look two minutes into the future to see what MAY happen. If she deviates from what she is supposed to do in order to make what happens happen, her vision will not be accurate. Drawback: She cannot see what is going on while viewing the future.**

**5) Teleportation. Not the pussy Shunshin teleportation that the ninjas use, but actual Jumper-style teleportation. Drawback: She has to be able to see where she is going, and the chakra drainage is proportional to the distance she teleports.**

**6) She can bring her opponent's nightmares to life for a short time. Drawback: Goes into a coma for a couple of days once she stops the technique.**

**7) She can implant suggestions into her opponent's mind. If her opponent has a weak will, they will obey. Drawback: Strong-willed opponents can resist her mental prods.**

**8) She can stop time within a small area while she is moving. Drawback: All the air around her stops moving, so it is extremely hard for her to move, and can cause problems such as internal bleeding and fractures from stress on her bones. The size of the area she freezes is also proportionate to how much chakra she uses.**

**IF YOU SEND ME A PM WITH THE ONE YOU WANT, JUST SAY 'ABILITY NUMBER X' OR 'SELECTION X'. YOU HAVE UNTIL JUNE 28, ONE WEEK FROM TODAY (JUNE 21) TO CAST YOUR VOTE. ANY VOTES AFTERWARDS WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN THE POLL.**

**Thank you,**

**Dirty Reid **


	6. Big Ass Titties!

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**By: Dirty Reid**

**Chapter 5: Big-Ass Titties!**

**If anyone can guess which movie this title/quote is from, you will earn infinite respect from me.**

**Also, I've been getting a few complaints that I did the effects of the weed wrong. Again, I apologize, but I've never done it before so I wouldn't know what or how it feels.**

**And thank you to all of my fans for voting on my OC's special power. Results? Na-uh-uh, not telling! She probably won't come up for another chapter or two anyways.**

**Once again, please see my profile for details about my Manhunter Challenge fic, and PM me of you feel like taking up the challenge!**

**Another note, this chapter will be much more focused on comedy.**

* * *

"No good Naruto. You should have covered your right side. You would die in a real fight if you made this mistake."

"Oh yeah?" RRRUMBLE! ZAP!

"AAAAUGH!"

"YAAAAH, NOW YOU'RE DEAD!"

Itachi coughed out a gout of blood as Naruto had Sasoriza, Hebi and Rokusho Aoi converge on him. He had failed to notice the single string of chakra connected to the third puppet (Aoi), which had been buried underground as he sparred with the vicious blonde puppeteer.

Aoi was Naruto's newest addition to his arsenal. The man's body had been expanded and turned into a hollow chamber to trap enemies in, complete with circular holes large enough for kunai and shuriken to sail through. The chamber was attached to a pair of ball-bearings, one at the top and one at the bottom that allowed the chamber to rotate. Naruto said that the Raijin sword, when in contact with the rotating metal chamber, would create a magnetic field that would draw all manner of things metallic and pointy to it, hence the holes for the sharp objects to pass through and skewer the victim. Naruto called it the 'Death Magnetic Finisher'.

Itachi allowed a rare grin. Well, a grin that was rare when he wasn't blazing 'the shit' up in Naruto's apartment.

"Nice one," he praised the blonde, clapping a hand on his shoulder. Naruto's grin of triumph turned rather nastily to one of mischief for a second. Itachi's eyes narrowed.

"What did you do?" he asked suspiciously.

"Oh... Nothing!" Naruto dashed off, dragging his puppets by their strings. Itachi furiously began to check himself for any signs that he was being pranked or punk'd in some way. He went to his pocket when he found nothing and grasped for a stick of Pocky...

To find no Pocky. Itachi's eyes widened comically before they filled with tears and he fell to his knees, wailing over the early depletion of his precious Pocky.

"NOOOOOOO! WHY PRECIOUS, WHYYYY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAA-AAAAAIT A MINUTE!" Itachi went from crying to roaring in 0.5 seconds flat as something occurred to him.

Naruto's grin of mischief.

"YOU LITTLE BLONDE SHIT! I'LL KIIIILL YOOOOOOOUUUU!" the weasel screamed as he dashed off in search of the blonde.

* * *

"Aaah, I fucking hate waiting." Naruto groaned to no response. He, Deidara, Sasori and Zetsu were sitting on the side of the river with their legs dangling over the bank, trying to enjoy the quiet. Under normal circumstances, they would probably be getting high right about now. They had cut back on their lessened supply of weed and were going to wait to finish it when the exams were over.

Over the past month, Naruto had worked himself into the ground. His fingers were sore and stiff on a daily basis from puppet dueling with Sasori; he was often low or exhausted of chakra and scorched from bombs being let off in his 'Firework Wars' outside of the village with Deidara; his senses were always causing him grief from his tracking lessons with Zetsu, and he had been sick for a couple of weeks as he began to build his immunity to several common poisons, including his own. Not to mention he was always sore from his taijutsu training with Itachi. He would be better at fighting if the Uchiha prodigy would ditch the pink motley he called a wardrobe. Those shirts were a distraction; they always made him laugh or flashed in the light while Itachi was moving and made him lose focus.

Speaking of Itachi, where was he? While Naruto knew that Itachi was extremely skilled, he also knew that even the most skilled of shinobi could make mistakes and in Itachi's case, could lead up to him being caught and most likely killed. He was about to get up and start to look for Itachi when a roar rose above all of the background noise.

"_**NARUTOOOOOOOO!" **_the unearthly cry pierced the air. Naruto actually became worried from the sound of anger in the single word that was his name. Sasori, Deidara and Zetsu were on full alert until they saw what had yelled, at which they cowered in fear.

Itachi skulked out of the treeline like a thing possessed. Apocalyptic purple and red clouds billowed behind him as he stormed towards the four, the grass dying and withering where his feet met the ground. His eyes were not in their Sharingan form, but a deep bloody red with slits for pupils. Steam billowed from his nose and his hair floated in a way that looked almost like the horns of a devil. Truly a sight of purest evil.

"Prepare. To. Die." Itachi rumbled as he drew his two swords.

"**What the hell is going on here?!"** Zetsu demanded. Itachi shifted his paralyzing gaze to the left to observe the plant man.

"He took my Pocky, for which he must _DIE_!" Itachi bellowed as he began his charge towards the blonde, who calmly reached into his pocket, deaf to the screams of his friends telling him to run. Naruto seemed to find what he was looking for as he pulled it out and held it in front of him.

Itachi's eyes became normal as he ground his heels into the ground, coming to a screeching halt. His eyes took on a misty quality as he gazed upon the object held before him.

It was a stick of chocolate Pocky. Something no ninja in their right mind would pull out of their pocket when faced with a half-crazed psycho bearing down on them, ready to cut their balls of and make them eat them.

That is of course, if they didn't know it was Itachi's one vice to end all vices.

And indeed, it was a powerful vice. Naruto smiled slyly as Itachi's eyes remained fixed upon the stick of candy. Naruto moved it to the right, and Itachi's beady eyes followed it. He moved it to the left, and sure enough, Itachi's eyes followed. The other three were watching with various emotions on their faces.

Sasori had a look of great interest on his face. Inwardly, he was filing this incident away for later, should he ever piss Itachi off and need to make a quick getaway.

Zetsu looked confused. Did that stick of Pocky have some sort of bewitching power that could neutralize even the most insane of men?

Deidara was holding his stomach to try and contain his mirth. He knew that Itachi had a fetish for Pocky, but this was ridiculous! And great blackmail material too!

"You waaaaaant it?" Naruto drawled with amusement sliding off of his voice like slime. Itachi said nothing, but nodded, dumbstruck.

"Roll over," Naruto commanded. Zetsu started to look incredulous; there was no way that something was powerful enough to make Itachi do something _that_ stupid. His mouth fell open when Itachi dropped to the ground and rolled over like a dog. Naruto kept on grinning.

"Fetch!" he commanded as he chucked the Pocky as hard as he could. Itachi's eyes followed it, and with a wolf-like howl, he bolted after it on all fours. For several moments, there was silence. Even the wind had stopped blowing. The faces of Deidara, Sasori and Zetsu looked something like this: O.O

More silence ensued... until...

"HAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"

* * *

Night had fallen upon Konoha. The stars glittered and danced in the sky; their silent nightly routine.

Naruto ambled casually through the abandoned slums of Konoha towards his home, breaking out into a little dance routine every now and then. He had long strived for the smooth criminal type, and that meant knowing how to dance. It had won him the hearts of dozens of girls on the road, and it wouldn't stop there.

But Naruto didn't dance just to win affection or attention. He danced because it was fun. More than once, he had broken out into a dance routine in the heat of battle to throw his enemies off and give him the upper hand.

As he did a quick spin and prepared for a moon walk, he stopped.

'_I feel a disturbance in the Force,'_ he thought. He could feel something happening; something of epic proportions.

He turned to his left to see someone dart out of the alleyway and barrel into him. Naruto was on full alert instantly and began to pull a kunai out when he recognized the smell of blue bellflowers.

It was Kin. And she was crying.

"N-Naruto-kun, help me! Please! Please, he's going to kill me!" she sobbed into his chest.

"Who? Who's going to kill you?" Naruto asked urgently as he got up and pulled her with him. She continued to cling to him.

"Orochimaru!" she wailed "he's going to use me in one of his experiments!" she raised her head and started at him with red, puffy, pleading eyes.

"Help me, please!" she cried again. Naruto nodded stiffly before he reached into his clay pocket and made his hand start chewing. Seconds later, it spat out a small bird that expanded into a sculpture large enough to carry Kin.

"Go! I'll distract him long enough for you to get away!" Naruto urged her. Kin stared at him for a minute before she grabbed his head and mashed her lips to his in a fierce kiss. Naruto's eyes nearly popped out of his head as the older girl from Oto lip-locked with him. She brought her head back and their lips left with a faint smack.

"Good luck. Love you," she said hurriedly before she jumped onto the bird and took off. Naruto watched her go with a dazed look on his face.

'_Did she really mean that? I'll have to ask if I get out of this alive. Now, let's see, if I stick this over here...' _

* * *

This was irritating.

Orochimaru frowned as he continued to track Kin by her footsteps. She proved to be quite a bit faster than he expected. But no matter; she was a Genin and he was a Sannin. Finding her wouldn't be hard.

He came to a back street devoid of life where he found something strange. It appeared that Kin had fallen over someone else with a summon, as there were two sets of shoe marks and some sort of giant bird footprint. From there, there was a little clump of footprints, and then Kin's had vanished along with the bird prints. From there, the other person had plodded around and stopped in random locations before moving to somewhere else.

Orochimaru was beginning to wonder what the other person had been doing when he noticed a pattern in where the footprints stopped. They looked like some sort of grid. He was immediately on guard. The sudden underground spike of chakra was less of a surprise now that he had figured out that he had walked into a trap.

_**BOOM!**_

Orochimaru felt the tremendous force of the explosive envelop him as he was buffeted away from the place he had just been standing. He looked behind him and saw that he was heading for another point on the grid. He cursed as he lashed out his tongue and grabbed a street light. He yanked himself away from where he would have landed, but it somehow exploded anyways.

'_Ah, fuck, now my cover is blown.' _he thought as he moved away from the second explosion.

"Time to go out with a bang motherfucker!" an unseen assailant yelled before a light seemed to rise from the ground as the entire street blew up in a blast of dirt and metal and shrapnel from broken and abandoned buildings. Orochimaru yelled in pain as the flames licked at his body and the bits of dirt and broken buildings scraped and pierced his skin.

He landed several hundred metres away. He was cut and bleeding in multiple places all over his body, and had mild to severe first degree burns on his exposed arms and legs. To cap it all off, he had been temporarily deafened by the explosion. He cursed loudly, although he could not hear it and took off with the intent to get out of there before the ANBU showed up. Security in Konoha was a little lax with his sensei in command, but an explosion that big would surely draw them all. Orochimaru took a leap off of a smaller, less destroyed building, not hearing the incoming opponent, and was seized by something cold and hard. It swung him around in a circle before it chucked him back towards his launch point. He landed with his feet against the wall and looked up at his assailant.

It was not a living being. It looked like a man with snake-like features, not unlike him, but with skin that appeared to be varnished. It was clad in a goldenrod-coloured robe and its hairless head had small black knobs sticking out of it that appeared to be able to extend, as one of them was waving gently about. Its arms were replaced by giant metal cobra heads that were opening and closing slowly, flashing pointed teeth.

A puppet; and a horrendous one at that.

It raised its arms and opened the snake heads. Twin jets of transparent liquid sprayed out at high pressure, which he evaded. He was unsurprised to see the jets of liquid have some effect on the wall behind him. They began to melt the stone, classifying themselves as jets of super-concentrated acid. The puppet launched itself at him and began to try and 'bite' him with its arms, all the while continuing to squirt acid. Orochimaru grunted as he evaded the puppet with some difficulty, due to the pain in his legs. One small advantage was that the puppet did not move particularly fast.

All the while, Orochimaru wondered who could have concocted something this ghastly. After searching his highly expanded and genius-befitting brain, he reached one conclusion.

Sasori.

'_What would Sasori be doing in this place?'_ he wondered before he recalled that Namikaze Naruto also used puppets when he almost killed Sasuke. He grimaced before he ducked a swing from the puppet and delivered a chakra-enhanced kick to its midsection. With a faintly heard crack of wood and metal, the puppet rocketed backwards and Orochimaru made his escape.

Or, he would have if something had not wrapped around his arms and legs and pulled him down to the ground. But it didn't, due to Orochimaru dissolving into mud. The puppet was sliced in half a blink later and Orochimaru took off with a smirk. On his way out of the area, he noticed a solitary figure standing on a rooftop. He squinted to recognize it as none other than Namikaze Naruto. The blonde raised his arm and made a slashing motion across his throat. Orochimaru simply grinned back, knowing that the blonde would never be able to follow through with his threat.

* * *

Naruto growled as Orochimaru got away after smashing Hebi. He quickly hopped over to his destroyed puppet and began to gather the pieces of splintered wood and metal. He had just finished gathering all of the tiny splinters when two ANBU squads appeared out of nowhere, forming a circle around him.

'_Ah, crap. Hope these guys don't hate me.'_ Naruto grimaced.

"What happened here Uzumaki-san?" asked a female ANBU in a parrot-like mask. Naruto noted that she spoke in a fairly normal, professional voice that seemed to harbour no form of ill will or jaded feelings towards him.

"Well here I was, minding my own business when the Oto kunoichi comes along and tells me that Orochimaru wants to kill her. Now me, being the nice, artsy guy that I am, helped her get away by blowing the shit out of this street and trying to take the snake out. But Orochimaru, being Orochimaru, got away, the slimy sunuvabitch." Naruto cursed as he pulled his right hand out of one of his empty clay packs and finished gathering his destroyed puppet into his arms like a newborn child.

"Where did Orochimaru head to? Better yet, where is this kunoichi?" asked a second ANBU in a crocodile mask.

"Orochimaru headed north but he's probably gone by now. Besides, why would you wanna try and stop him anyway? He'd probably cut your legs off and take a shit in your mouth if you... oh wait, nah, that's what I would do." cue sweatdrop.

"Anyway, I'm about to find the Oto girl, but don't pay me too much mind. I can handle her and myself just fine." Naruto chucked the clay hummingbird he had sculpted up into the air and grabbed its leg as it expanded and zipped away, leaving the ANBU in the dust before they proceeded north. From the shadows, a white-haired man eyed the large hummingbird and began to pursue it.

* * *

Naruto concentrated, homing in on the chakra signature of Kin's bird. It wasn't actually hard to track his creations, due to the extra-concentrated chakra that needed to be put into them. Naruto himself could usually only make one C-3 bomb and a couple of C-2s with about a dozen C-1s thrown in before he was out of chakra. Deidara could quite easily match and go beyond that. How he did it, Naruto wasn't sure. Deidara's chakra reserves either had to be beyond even his own, or his control had to be better than anyone else's. Naruto cleared his possible questions for his sensei as he closed in on Kin's location: A busted apartment complex not unlike his old one. He set down on the roof and spied the tiny pile of dust which meant that his bird had dissipated after it had served its purpose.

"Psst! Kin! Where are you? It's me, Naruto!" the blonde whispered.

"Naru-kun!" a voice cried out quietly. Naruto turned to his left and caught the traumatized but ecstatic girl as she glomped him, still crying. Naruto simply held her up and patted her back soothingly.

"Thank Kami you're okay!" she wailed into his shoulder. Naruto shook his head.

"A freak like Orochimaru can't kill me that easily." Naruto reassured her. Kin brought her tear-stained face back and looked at him.

"You faced him?" she asked in wonderment.

"Yup," Naruto answered triumphantly before his face etched into a frown.

"And come out you geriatric toad-loving pervert!" Naruto called. Kin put her feet on the ground as a strange looking old man dropped from a burned out light post in a nearby alleyway.

"I object to being called geriatric! I'm not useless just yet!" The man protested as he landed softly on the ground. Naruto noted that he looked to be wearing some sort of kabuki actor-esque outfit. There were two red streaks of paint running from his wise-looking eyes to his chin, or maybe they were tattoos, he couldn't tell.

"Look, who are you and what do you want?" Naruto asked as he released Kin. The man looked about ready to jump into a dance, but seemed to think against it.

"I am Jiraiya of the Densetsu no Sannin, and-"

"You're my Otou-san's sensei?! Wow that is so cool!" Naruto exclaimed as little stars popped into his blue eyes. Jiraiya chuckled before he reassumed his serious face.

"So you're Naruto eh? I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about later, but right now, I need to ask you about Orochimaru." Jiraiya told him.

"What do you want to know?"

"Why he would be here."

"Well, I definitely know he wants Uchiha Sasuke for some reason, because he has marked Sasuke with the Cursed Seal. Hatake Kakashi said it was taken care of, but I'm still not entirely convinced." Naruto explained. "If you want to catch up to him, I suggest you follow that ANBU team." Jiraiya shook his head.

"Nah. If I know ol' Oro-chan, he'll just lose them and stay here. He's probably up to something, but we won't find out what 'til he does it." Jiraiya told them.

"Well, I'll go and pass on my little encounter to the old man. I gotta take Kin-chan to him so she can officially defect anyways."

"Defect?"

"Orochimaru was trying to kill her for something and I want to protect her by making her a Konoha kunoichi."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Later ya smelly old pervert!"

"HEY!"

* * *

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?" Hiruzen called from his place at the desk, wiping sleep from his eyes.

"It's me." Naruto answered.

"'It's me' who?" Hiruzen said in reply. He could almost hear the sweatdrop.

"With all due respect sir, what the fuck do you think this is, Knock Knock Joke Day?" Naruto spat as he opened the doors and entered the office. The old man noted with interest that he was accompanied by the slightly older kunoichi from Otogakure. He noted with more interest that she was clinging to his arm like some sort of girlfriend.

"Who's your friend?" Hiruzen asked. The girl detached herself nervously.

"I-I am Tsuchi Kin of Otogakure Hokage-sama, a-and I wish to defect to Konoha." Kin stated a little nervously. Hiruzen raised one of his bushy eyebrows.

"I'll leave you two to hash this out. You know where my place is Kin-chan?" a nod. "Good. Meet me there when you're done here." he said as he sank into the floor.

* * *

"Oh boys, I'm back!" Naruto called in a girly voice to alert his 'tenants' to his presence as he rose up from the floor. The four nukenin looked up from their three bowls of stew and returned their greetings.

"**What happened Naruto-kun? **We all heard a couple of explosions not too long ago." Zetsu asked. Deidara was listening intently at the mention of explosives.

"Well, Orochimaru wanted to kill someone close to me for some reason and I wanted to help her out. Naturally, I did it in the most efficient way possible; blowing shit up and hoping he got burned." Naruto said in reply.

'Did you get him?" Sasori asked. Naruto shook his head.

"Nope. I may be good, but I'm not _that_ good. Singed him a little bit though." Naruto reminisced thoughtfully. Itachi gulped down a hunk of meat and patted him on the back.

"Ah, don't worry about it Naruto, you'll get there someday." he promised.

"By the way, who's this person that's close to you?" Deidara asked with interest.

"Oh, just wait. She should be showing up in a couple of minutes." Naruto answered as he scooped himself a bowl of stew and began to chow down.

Sure enough, just a little less than half an hour later, there was a knock on the door.

"It's open, come in!" Naruto hollered. The door opened and Kin's familiar-sounding footsteps sounded through the quiet apartment. Although his eyes were fixed on the kunoichi, now sporting a Konoha headband, he could almost feel the surprised gazes of his four older friends behind him.

"Whoa," said Itachi.

"Talk about a looker." Zetsu commented.

"Nice pick otouto." Sasori complimented.

"Daaaaaaaayyyymn!" Deidara crowed with his usual tact. Kin was blushing from all of the compliments.

"I take it your defection went well?" Naruto asked. Kin didn't reply, simply opting to march up to him and wrap him up in a hug.

"Thank you." she said quietly. Naruto simply grinned and returned the hug. His four companions were silent and somewhat envious.

"Who are these four?" Kin asked, eyeing the four nukenin warily, particularly Zetsu.

"Well, Fire Crotch over here is Akasuna no Sasori," Naruto waved in Sasori's general direction. The nickname warranted a titter from Deidara and a death glare from the puppet master.

"The blonde bombshell is Deidara," said 'bombshell' immediately shut up and glared laser bolts as Sasori snickered. Kin was covering her mouth as she giggled.

"The walking garden problem is Kusa no Zetsu." Naruto indicated the plant man, warranting both halves of him growling in unison.

"And Mistress Pink is Uchiha Itachi." the Uchiha simply narrowed his eyes at Naruto's insult.

"Aforementioned goons, this is Tsuchi Kin." Naruto introduced his significant other to the 'goons'. Kin smiled.

"It's a pleasure to meet you all." she said with a little bow.

"No need for formalities here Kin, we're just a bunch of really dangerous, joke-crackin', joint-smokin' misfits." Naruto said as he pecked the girl on the cheek. She immediately turned a light maroon.

"C'mon sweetie, draw up a stool and have some chow! Escaping death makes you hungry, no matter whom you are!" Itachi said in an unusually cheery voice. Kin took his advice and drew up one of the spare chairs she had used several times before after she had poured herself a bowl of stew. Within minutes, she was talking and laughing with her five male companions. After dinner, they retired to the 'rec section' of Naruto's pad, telling jokes and, somewhat reluctantly, pulling out the bong and introducing Kin to the cataract-healing joy of cannabis. Their regret at burning up more of their shit vanished as Kin loosened up under the influence to reveal a more colourful side of her personality. Even Itachi, one of the most hardened shinobi in the world, clutched his stomach as Kin told some of the most _hilarious_ jokes they had ever heard, or roasted another member of their little circle. Naruto called it quits when Kin started to crash and turned to pull out the sleeping bags and couch. Kin, stoned but still able to think lucidly, asked if she could sleep in his bed. Naruto, red in the face had agreed and shut the door behind them.

* * *

The four S-ranked nukenin were lying asleep in Naruto's sitting room. Zetsu had wisely called dibs on the couch, and was lazing silently. Sasori had shut himself down a little ways away, leaving Deidara and Itachi in their sleeping bags in the middle of the sitting room. Although neither of them saw or cared to look, both were awake.

"Hey," Itachi whispered. Deidara flicked his eyes to his right. "You awake?" Itachi asked.

"Yeah," the blonde whispered in reply. Itachi had been hoping for this, and grinned slyly; this was gonna be so funny!

"Well listen, you better get to sleep before the ghosts show up." Itachi whispered in a serious voice. Deidara felt a little surprised and slightly afraid from the weasel's words.

"... Shut up," he whispered back. "I'm twenty-five years old; there aren't any ghosts here." He said defiantly. Itachi suppressed a grin.

"What, Naruto didn't tell you? Konoha was built over an old Elemental Native massacre site. The Shodai Hokage walks through every room in the village every night." Itachi explained quietly. Deidara's pupils were shrinking in fear and he began to breathe faster.

"I said shut up," he murmured in a voice that clearly told Itachi that Deidara was getting scared.

"Getting' scared Deidara? Cuz you should." Itachi warned him. His gut was hurting so much it was a wonder that he didn't start yelling in pain. "These fucking ghosts are Natives that tear their own skin off." he said in a dead serious voice while shaking his head.

"Shut. Up!" Deidara grunted through gritted teeth. Itachi actually had to bite his lip to keep from roaring with laughter.

"... Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," Itachi made a noise that sounded almost like a faint wail. Using his skills in ventriloquism, a talent very few people knew he had, he made it sound as though it were coming from behind the door. Deidara began to hyperventilate very quietly, and he clutched his sleeping bag tighter in fear. Itachi brought the hem of his sleeping bag over his mouth to muffle the sound and ensure he couldn't be seen making the noise.

"... OorrrrrrrRaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuaaaaaaAaaa," this time he made a sound akin to a creaky floorboard on the roof. Deidara started to hyperventilate a little faster and louder.

"... What the?" Deidara whispered to himself. Itachi squeezed his eyes shut and pumped his fist an inch or two: This was too perfect!

"Khhhhpkhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Itachi made his final noise, which sounded like something scraping along shingles or a very low-quality sound of horses galloping.

"Fuck!" Deidara hissed. Itachi flicked his eyes to his left to see the blonde turned on his left shoulder and breathing extremely quickly.

"Did you hear something?!" Deidara hissed. Itachi, again, bit back laughter and screwed his face into a frown.

"... No. Did you?" he whispered back.

"I... I thought I did." Deidara whispered uncertainly.

"Hey, now you got me thinkin'... maybe... it could be like a skinhead murderer." he concluded darkly.

"I'm gonna go crack the door." Deidara whispered and began to get out of his sleeping bag.

"Okay, but then he can get in easier." Itachi whispered. Deidara stopped.

"Aww... fuck!" Deidara groaned quietly as he got back into his bag and covered himself up completely. He almost looked like a nylon cocoon.

Itachi almost lost his hold over his laughter. He was gonna hold this over Deidara's head for so long in payment for all the 'Pocky fetish' jabs.

And the video recorder he set up would only make it even better.

**(Mad props to anyone who guesses which movie this is from!)**

* * *

Today was the day.

Naruto confidently jumped across the rooftops and flung himself into the stadium. He made sure not to bounce off of people's heads as he approached, merely their chairs. Still, his antics warranted screams from the ignorant civilians. Naruto ignored them as he skidded along the soil to stop among the other finalists. Although they were probably shocked by his sudden appearance, they didn't show it. He noted with interest that neither Dosu nor Kin had shown up.

"Now that _all _parties still competing are present, we can move on." said the proctoring Jounin who Naruto was pretty sure was called Genma. What he meant by 'Most parties still competing' was unclear to Naruto, but if it meant Kin, he would wait until later to ask about it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final stage of the 112th, bi-annual Chuunin Exams!" he boomed, chakra clearly amplifying his voice. The audience erupted into a roar of cheers and applause.

* * *

Up in the stands, Ino and Sakura cheered wildly. Despite the absence of Sasuke within the tournament, they still needed to be supportive of the Chuunin-to-be. They cheered and cheered, but they began to notice something.

"YEAH! WHOOOOOOO!"

"GO NARUTO! WHIP SOME ASS!"

"C'MON NARUTO, MAKE US PROUD, YEAH!"

"**F**U**C**K **S**O**M**E **S**H**I**T **U**P **K**I**D**!"

The two 'frenemies' turned around to see who was yelling so loud. There were four people sitting in the next row back. The red-haired one, seemingly the youngest, was roaring at the top of his lungs and had giant, yellow foam hands on both of his arms. Emblazoned on them were a chibi picture of Naruto's foxy face and the number 'one' beside it.

The second one had dark hair that hung down behind his pink shirt. His face was concealed by the cap on his head and the pink sunglasses he wore. There were two cans of sake in holders on either side of the cap and he had two straws protruding from them. He sucked one into his mouth and took a quick sip before continuing to roar his support for Naruto.

The third had a set of orange sunglasses obscuring most of his face, along with his flop of hair. He too wore a foam hand supporting Naruto, but he also carried a can of sake. He seemed to be the most normal out of the four.

But the fourth one...

Ino did a double take when she saw the fourth loud spectator. He liked fairly normal from the face down, wearing a dark-coloured cloak made of a light material and the same sort of pants. But his face...

It was split into two halves, one black, one white. His eyes were yellow and his hair was an algae green.

"Zetsu?!" Ino whisper-hissed, catching the halved man and Sakura's attention.

"Well, hello Ino-chan. **How have you been?**" the two-faced man asked. Sakura was looking at her friend in shock.

"You know this guy Ino-pig?!" she demanded in a whisper that was still loud enough to be heard by Zetsu and Ino.

"Yeah! He's-" Ino cut herself off when Zetsu bared his teeth and one of his eyes started to twitch.

"-A friend of Naruto's." she answered. Zetsu seemed to be satisfied with the answer. Sakura however, was not.

"I've never seen you around Konoha before. Ino-pig is there something you're not telling me about him?" she asked shrewdly.

"Oh, look, the matches are starting!" Ino exclaimed, grateful for the timely distraction. Zetsu and his distracted friends turned back to the match between Neji and Naruto that was about to go down. Sakura gave Zetsu one last glance before she turned to the centre of the stadium.

* * *

Naruto continued to stare at the stoic Hyuuga, whose gaze did not look to be wavering as he slipped into a Juken stance. Naruto did not intend to make the first move. Sure, he was an excitable little ball of energy, but that didn't mean he wasn't smart. The first move the opponent made allowed Naruto to gauge their speed, power and style of fighting.

For almost a full minute, nothing happened. Neji's stance was unwavering, and Naruto wasn't moving either.

Silence was plentiful until...

"HEY NARUTO!" yelled a voice. Naruto looked up to his right and saw someone quite familiar. It was Deidara, but his glasses prevented anyone but him and the other three from identifying him.

"WHAT?" Naruto shouted back. Every eye in the place, including Neji's, was fixed on Deidara.

"I think I just found ya some lunch!" Deidara called, holding up a dead rat. Many people made noises of disgust or shied away.

"Aw man, you couldn't have found that beforehand?" Naruto snapped back with a grin.

"10 000 if you eat this thing's head!" Deidara called back. Naruto raised one of his eyebrows.

"For 10 000, I'll start at the ass and eat my way up!" Naruto replied. People were now looking at _him_ in disgust.

"Ah man, I gotta tape this after the matches!" Deidara laughed before he pocketed the rat and sat back down. Naruto turned back to Neji, who now had a dubious look on his face before it became one of disdain.

"Only someone as low as you would willingly eat a rat. Fate has declared me above such individuals like you." Neji proclaimed. Naruto said nothing. Neji waited patiently for the blonde's anger to get to him so he would become sloppy and decrease his chance for victory. Sure enough, he reached into his pocket for something and Neji braced himself for what was probably a ton of puppets. Naruto pulled something out of his pocket, but it wasn't a scroll.

It was something small and white. Naruto popped part of it into his mouth and flicked his thumb up from his closed fist. A tiny flame sparked to life, and Naruto held it up to the end of the white object, almost like...

Neji's brows furrowed in anger at what was happening: Naruto had just lit up a hand-rolled doobie and was getting high in front of him!

"Aww, fuck! We were saving that!" Itachi hissed under his breath, only loud enough for Deidara to hear. Both of them sipped their sake to calm down.

"Mmm, that is some good shit." Naruto breathed as he stuck his tongue in the middle of his mouth and blew out a trio of smoke rings. That was the final straw.

Neji lunged forwards and brought his hands forwards into a Juken strike. He fully expected Naruto not to react in time, but the blonde sidestepped his strike and mockingly blew a cloud of bluish smoke into Neji's face. The Hyuuga inhaled a small amount of the smoke and started to cough as it burned his throat. He stopped and bent over to cough before he resumed his attack, enraged at being so openly and easily humiliated.

But no matter how he tried, the blonde simply sidestepped or twirled around his strikes with a dopey smile on his face. If anything, he seemed to be moving faster.

"How are you doing this?!" Neji bellowed, missing the blonde again.

"The magic of pot Neji-_chan_, the magic of pot!" Naruto slurred with a laugh. That was it. Neji positioned himself close to Naruto and assumed a stance. A stance that made his uncle, Hyuuga Hiashi, open his mouth in surprise. A stance that made Itachi mutter 'Oh, shit,' under his breath.

"S'matter Itachi?" Sasori whispered.

"Watch," the weasel answered as he pointed to the ring.

Neji smirked. "This game ends here Namikaze; you are within my divination field." he declared arrogantly. Naruto said nothing, but flicked the joint away and spread his feet apart.

"Hakke Rokujuyonsho!" Neji roared and lunged forwards with an even greater speed than before. This time, Naruto didn't move quickly enough. Even with his brain messed up by the weed, he quickly regretted his slowness as sixty-four blows rained down on him, sealing up his more important tenketsu before the final blow launched him ten feet back and slammed him into the ground.

"**Holy**..." Zetsu began.

"Shit!" Deidara finished. The stadium around them was shocked silent. Up in the stands, Sarutobi Hiruzen looked on in shock. How could a shinobi that could go toe to toe with some of his more elite Jounin make such stupid decisions? Smoking a cigarette in a fight, even if it was funny to watch your foe get mad, was _never_ a good idea. Hiruzen lowered his head, finding some manner of disappointment in Naruto.

"Don't look so sad Hokage-dono, he's still moving." said the muffled voice of the Kazekage, his black-rimmed eyes never leaving the ring. Hiruzen looked up and saw the truth in the mysterious man's words. Naruto was indeed moving. He was sluggish, but he was still moving.

Neji, eyes narrowed, moved closer to make sure Naruto stayed down. He brought himself directly over the blonde and prepared for another strike. With an unnatural display of reflexes, Naruto's right hand lashed out and grasped Neji's arm. Neji began to wince; Naruto's grip on his arm could be compared to a crocodile's bite.

"Hragh!" Naruto grunted and brought his upper body upwards, using his grip on Neji for leverage. He brought his head to his opponent's with what seemed to be a great deal of ferocity, if Neji being thrown from his feet and landing on his back was any way to tell.

"Take that, butt-lick!" Naruto spat as he scrambled onto his front side. Imagine everyone's surprise when he positioned himself over Neji in an almost provocative way. It looked like Naruto was about to plough Neji.

"What the hell is he doing?" Sakura whispered. Cue answer!

"What's that Auntie Em?" Naruto asked in a falsetto surprised and scared voice. "It's a TWISTER!" he yelled gleefully as he grabbed Neji's chest and twisted.

"AAAAAUUUGH, MY NIPPLES!!" Neji roared in pain. The audience was silent for a second before Naruto's company started to roar with laughter. The entire stadium soon followed, save for the Hyuuga in the audience.

"Ahh ha ha ha ha, only Naruto could get away with shit like that!" Deidara wheezed out, barely audible over the laughter of the crowd.

"Oh man (gasp) I haven't, HA HA HA, laughed this hard since (wheeze) ever!" Itachi choked out between laughing fits.

Up in the top box, Hiruzen was clutching his sides as he howled. He knew Naruto was one to win his matches through unconventional methods, but purple-nurples?! That was just ridiculous!

Everyone else continued to laugh, even as Neji booted Naruto off him and held his smarting nipples; Naruto had a really good grip.

"I've wanted to do that for such a long time!" Naruto chirped cheerfully. "WHOA!" Naruto staggered to his left to avoid a quartet of shuriken. He looked over to see Neji with flames dancing in his eyes.

"Ooh, somebody needs some anger management classes!" Naruto taunted before he began to dance around Neji's strikes. He cursed violently when he couldn't mould chakra to create an explosion. It was only after he got hit in the chest again that he started to get a little pissed off.

'_So, the little pissant wants to play rough, eh?'_ Naruto snarled as he reached into his unconscious and tapped the sleeping beast within. With a silent command, he demanded the payment that he both craved and feared. The beast within grumbled something about ignorance before complying and returning to its slumber. Naruto sucked in a breath as the rush of power stemmed out from his heart and blasted out of him like a firework. Every closed chakra point was thrown open quite painfully, but was quickly turned to pleasure.

Neji stared at the glowing orange killing machine before him. His fear only increased when he noticed that Naruto's tenketsu had flown open. He did not unclench his muscles when the orange-red chakra died down, because for the first time, Naruto looked _pissed_.

"Aww, looks like 'Nejikins' is afraid of the big bad fox! Well, the big bad fox should be the least of your worries now!" Naruto declared as a red scroll fell out of his sleeve.

"The Main Family just got pissed, shitbird!" Naruto spat through a cloud of chakra-laced smoke. A blurry object blasted out of the smoke and thrust its arm at Neji. The prodigy leaned backwards and got a look at a metallic appendage that appeared to be a scorpion's tail, dripping with a purple liquid. The scorpion tail retracted and Neji stood back up to see what it was attached to. What he saw made everyone start to murmur.

Dark hair. Well-defined face. Pale robe. White eyes.

Hyuuga Hiatari.

"... So it _was_ you!" Neji exclaimed angrily. Up in the stands, Hyuugas Hiashi, Hanabi and Hinata let their mouths hang open as they were allowed the knowledge of who killed Hiatari.

"Before you start with the wild accusations Neji, let me ask you something. If someone tried to kill you or have you killed in cold blood, what would you do to them?" Naruto asked. Neji looked pensive for a moment.

"Oh, I forgot to add that you have a strong eye for an eye philosophy while you're trying to answer this question." Naruto added. Neji looked at him strangely for a second before he answered.

"... I would kill them?" he asked more than answered.

"Correct! That's exactly what I did when Hiatari tried to have me murdered. At the very least, you should be grateful that I spared his brother." Naruto twitched his fingers and Hiatari charged forwards. Neji was forced onto the evasive as the puppet flailed at him, swiping its tails, launching grenades and senbon, and surprisingly, throwing Juken strikes. Neji wondered how the puppet, essentially a dead body, was able to perform techniques only the living could use. He got his answer when he saw a still intact and fully functional chakra system running through the puppet, controlled by the strings Naruto had attached to the monstrosity. That still didn't solve the problem of how Naruto was manipulating the puppet into performing Juken strikes, sloppy and near ineffective as they may be.

He got his answer when he threw the puppet into the wall and took a look at the puppeteer. There was a white helix of chakra spiraling from Hiatari's body along each of the strings and into Naruto. The chakra was snaking up to his eyes and creating a window for Naruto's use of the Byakugan, if the veins bulging around his eyes could talk. Naruto noticed.

"I don't know how you guys put up with these freaky eyes all the time. My eyes ache for a week after I use the damn things!" Naruto complained as he kept Hiatari flailing about.

"What the hell is he doing?" Sasori asked. "He's just making the puppet flail itself all over the place. One fag couldn't have screwed him up _that_ much, right?"

"Maybe he's doing that on purpose, yeah." Deidara wondered aloud. Itachi sat up straight, revelation shining on his visible face.

"Yep, he's doing that on purpose." he said loud enough for his compatriots to hear.

"How do you figure that?" Deidara asked. Itachi looked down with a grin, lowering his pink glasses to let the blonde lay his visible eye upon the activated Sharingan.

"Wait and see." he answered.

Naruto grinned nastily as he forced Neji towards the trap. It had been difficult; the Hyuuga was far more resourceful than he had planned. He had, again, demonstrated a new technique, the Hakkesho Kaiten, which had damaged Hiatari. Naruto made a note to study and integrate that technique into Hiatari's arsenal, along with the Rokujuyonsho.

With a jerk of his left hand, thumb and pinky finger extended, Naruto commanded Hiatari to launch a volley of senbon from its mouth. The puppet's orifice creaked open and shot out a slender cylinder that split to release a dozen senbon needles. Naruto only hoped Neji would use the Kaiten like he predicted him to. He got his wish and grinned. The crater Neji created every time he used the Kaiten would wear down the ground and increase the area effect of the trap. Naruto drew Hiatari back and grinned nastily. Neji resumed his ready stance, anticipating the unknown.

"Here we go!" Itachi piped.

Naruto's nasty grin set Neji on edge. Something was about to happen, and it probably spelled bad news for him.

"Big-ass titties!" he said. What he meant by that, Neji knew not, but it couldn't be good if Naruto had to make a seal. His feeling of impending doom only increased when the air around him became so charged with chakra that he could almost taste it.

"OOHHHH! _That's_ what he was being sloppy for!" Deidara exclaimed.

**KABOOM!**

A tremendous explosion rocked the stadium. Screaming in agony as a result of contact with the soil and stone shrapnel, as well as the searing flames, Neji was thrown straight into the air. In the stands, Tenten, Lee and Gai watched in horror as Naruto, in all likelihood, killed their teammate. Deidara watched silently, marveling at the sheer beauty of the art display in front of him. His comrades stared with equal marvel, but with whistles or 'ooh' and 'aah' thrown in every now and then.

Naruto looked straight up as he calmly sealed Hiatari, spotting Neji's flailing silhouette through the smoke, shrapnel and fire. He quickly transferred a large chunk of chakra to his legs, crouched and sprang. The wind whipped across his face as he soared through the air and caught Neji's charred ankle. He pulled the Hyuuga down into a bridal carry as he began his descent. He landed on Yon's four tentacles, realizing that this was the first time he had used the armour puppet in a very long time. He would either have to remember to use it more or discard it. The screaming and yelling from the crowd died down as the smoke lifted and the dust died and they were granted the vision of Namikaze Naruto holding the limp body of Hyuuga Neji. Silhouetted by the still lit fires courtesy of the explosion, the proudly-standing puppeteer carrying his 'flushing bride' looked like something straight out of a movie.

That is, until Naruto lowered his arms and unceremoniously dropped Neji on the ground like a sack of gelatin. 'Ooh's went up through the crowd.

"**Ow!** He beat him like Bobby beat Whitney!" said Zetsu.

"Like who?" asked Ino, having heard the statement.

'Oh, pop culture reference among us older people. **You wouldn't get it.**" Zetsu responded. Ino looked put out but didn't press the matter.

The ref, Genma, was shocked silent. He was broken out of his reverie when Naruto let off an explosive with the blast equivalent of a firecracker. Not the most artsy piece, but good as a distraction or an attention-grabber.

"Oh, yes! Winner, Namikaze Naruto!" the crowd had already blown up in cheers and roars of approval, but none were as loud as the band of four nukenin present.

Naruto struck a few strong-man and 'I can't hear you' poses before he crouched down to Neji's burned body.

"I know you can still hear me." Naruto whispered. Feebly, Neji cracked one of his eyes open.

"Tell me, if fate decreed you would win, how is it that I defeated you, Neji of the almighty Hyuuga?" Naruto sarcastically asked the question to receive no answer. He shrugged and used his Bōka no jutsu to sink into the ground and reappear in the seat reserved for him in the competitor's box. Aside him, Misumi, Shino, Temari and Gaara stared at him.

Gaara's face was largely unchanged, but he could feel an inkling of demonized chakra flitting out of the boy.

Misumi and Shino's faces were largely covered, so he couldn't judge what they thought of him.

Temari was staring at him with a mix of awe, fear and respect. After a second, she started to giggle, clearly remembering Naruto's use of weed and tittie-twisters.

"Anybody wanna tell me why Kin and Dosu haven't showed?" Naruto asked.

"Apparently Kin was removed from the competition due to her defection. No defector is allowed into the Chuunin Exams until they have been actively serving Konoha for six months or more." Shino explained. Naruto looked at the Aburame heir in mild surprise; that was the most he had heard out of him in the short time he had known him before he left Konoha and after he had returned.

"Dosu simply has not appeared." Misumi said shortly. Naruto shrugged, having gotten the answers he needed.

Due to the uneven amount of competitors, the competition had been rearranged again. The winner of the Shino vs. Temari match would fight Misumi, and then Naruto's match with Gaara would be at hand.

Naruto knew that something was going to go down when Temari immediately forfeited her match against Shino. If it was indeed an invasion like Kin had said (Only after getting stoned), he would just have to make sure he made a few more bloody pockmarks in the ground. Shino went on to fight Misumi. The match was actually quite well fought. Misumi could not stretch himself enough to reach Shino, a long range fighter, who continually slipped his chakra-leeching insects onto the stretchy nin. After ten long minutes, Misumi began to slow from chakra drainage, giving Shino the opportunity to crack Misumi's skull over his knee. Winner, Shino!

* * *

Naruto grinned in anticipation as he and Gaara Shunshin'd or Hiru Banshō'd down to the centre of the ring. While Naruto's face portrayed complete confidence, Gaara's remained impassive.

The blonde quickly flicked his eyes to the site of his exploding mine. He had scattered a few throughout the stadium, not daring to lay them in a grid pattern for fear of the excess of upturned dirt being regarded as suspicious. Luckily, no one seemed to have figured out that he had laid a couple more of them. The ref shouted 'Begin!', but neither competitor moved. Gaara's sand began to waft about impatiently after a moment, and Naruto knew Gaara was exactly where he wanted him.

"I've got a boner for bombs, and now it's time to explode!" Naruto proclaimed, forming another seal. His rather lewd comment was offset by the large blast to Gaara's right. The redhead made no sound as he got thrown into the air and landed roughly, creating a small crater.

"GAARA!" Temari yelled from the competitor's box, clearly worried. Naruto looked calmly at the crater, knowing full well that the one-tailed nutcase wouldn't be taken down that easily. With a twitch of his fingers and several clicks, Yon's harness came undone. The band and links around his midsection were actually knives made of an unnamed alloy, magnetically attracted to an isotope of itself. The normal alloy composed the right half of the harness knives, while the left half of the harness knives were made of the isotope alloy.

The armour puppet sloughed off him before he commanded it to hoist itself up on the four arms that were attached to the back of the harness. When viewed from his position, and probably from a few others, Yon looked almost like a spider. Another couple of twitches, and the weapon launchers concealed in the arms were primed and ready. Naruto waited patiently, and sure enough, Gaara was lifted out of the crater by his sand. The left side of him seemed to have cracked and shed like a snake's skin. Tiny pieces of glass clung to Gaara's body or twinkled down like stardust. The actual boy seemed unharmed.

Naruto knew he had to act quickly; that sand would become pretty annoying. He twitched his finger and forced his will along the string. Moving their fingers was how a puppeteer subjected their will to their puppets. But true puppet masters could mentally project their will along the strings without any movement at all.

Sasori could do this with some concentration, but he preferred to simply use his hand movements, only using pure will when he was up against someone excessively dangerous. Naruto was able to do this, but only when he was focusing upon one opponent, and it was still not perfect.

Regardless, Yon flew through the air towards Gaara, knife harness open and arms extended. Gaara snarled and raised a sand shield faster than Naruto had expected. But no matter, he was always planning ahead. With another mental prod, Yon's arms opened up as the puppet jerked to a stop in mid-air. The tips of the arms opened at the start of the black tips. With four faint _choof_ noises, four bluish balls of clay shot out of the arms and landed on the sand sphere with four dull splats. Naruto cocked one of his eyebrows.

"I guess I took the term 'blue balls' a little too literally there." Naruto chuckled to himself before he quickly made a seal and blew up the bombs. The flames were blue with intensity, and Naruto was fairly sure he heard a cry of pain over the roar of the flames. He silently watched the dust settle, and was not as unprepared as he thought he would be when a misshapen arm whipped out of the rubble and tried to crush him. The resulting shockwave triggered the rest of the mines he had laid, resulting in the stadium grounds going up in flames. Naruto screamed as he was thrown away and Yon was destroyed. That solved the problem of whether he had to get rid of it or not.

Before he could react to the stinging pain of ashes burning his skin and eyes, another blast issued from the top box where the Kage were situated. Naruto twisted around and was about to go investigate when sakura petals began to fall through the arena.

'_Genjutsu,'_ Naruto assessed before channeling a pulse of chakra to reject that of the intruder's. Back in their spots, the four nukenin dispelled the genjutsu and ripped off their 'Go Naruto' memorabilia.

"There," Itachi stated, "down in the ring. Gaara's two siblings just made off with him."

Sniff, sniff. "I can smell **snakes.**" Zetsu licked his lips.

"I guess Kin was right, yeah. C'mon boys, let's lay some waste!" Deidara cheered as he began to mould a small wad of clay. He jumped into the air and activated the bird, soaring off into what would be an impending epic battle. Oddly enough, he went relatively unnoticed by the Konoha nin still conscious. Itachi, Sasori and Zetsu looked at each other for a second.

"Go, go, Power Rangers!" They said in unison before laughing and sprinting into the fray of battle.

* * *

"Damn!" Ibiki cursed as he avoided a desk-sized slab of concrete that would have surely crushed him had he not moved. He looked up at the tremendous adversary that he and a couple dozen other shinobi were tackling.

It was a three-headed snake that had to be several hundred feet long. It had barreled through Konoha's wall, inviting well over a hundred Oto and Suna shinobi to come pouring in through the walls. Their outer village forces were already wearing a little thin because of the snake, meaning that stopping the invading shinobi was quite unlikely.

"We have a breach Ibiki-san!" shouted a non-memorable Chuunin, "The snake took out the west quarter and the invaders have broken through!"

"Great! Just great! We're gonna need a miracle to stop this!"

_**BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!**_

Ibiki was thrown back by the tremendous shockwaves generated by a chain of explosions along the back of the snake. Blood, scales, guts and bones flew everywhere as the tremendous serpent was torn apart by the rapid succession of explosives from its head, all the way to its tail.

"IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" yelled a voice over the confusion and terror. Ibiki looked upwards to see a giant tan bird floating down from the sky. Standing atop it was a blonde man with his arms extended to the sides as he marveled at the death of the snake.

"Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!" the man declared in all seriousness. Ibiki cocked one of his hairless eyebrows as the man turned and gave him a little salute before the bird roared away.

What was Deidara doing in Konoha?

Poof.

"What'd I miss?" asked the familiar voice of Konoha's most famous novelist, Jiraiya.

"A show."

* * *

Kakashi swung another Oto nin over his shoulder and into a concrete wall. He immediately did a front flip with his right leg extended and brought it down on the head of a passing Suna shinobi. The ninja fell with a satisfying crack. Kakashi whirled around and chucked three kunai at two approaching shinobi. One got nailed in the lung and stomach, while the other took it to the head.

Kakashi took a moment to catch his breath. He had been jumping from one battle to the next, never pausing to recover in between. He had taken a couple of swats during his crusade, a stab in his leg, and being a little low on chakra wasn't doing him any good either.

Kakashi huffed and hoisted himself up from his sitting position on a crumbling wall. When he turned the corner, he stopped in his tracks.

Standing opposite him was no less than ten Oto and Suna shinobi.

"Well, shit." Kakashi muttered.

No sooner had the curse word left his mouth that something flashed across one of the Oto nin's chest. His upper torso fell off of the rest of his body diagonally. A figure materialized out of nowhere and scissor-slashed another one of the Oto nin with two longswords before ducking a swing from a Suna nin, reversing his grip on the blades and bringing them up diagonally under the Suna nin's ribcage and out through his left shoulder. The man, dressed in pink and black, turned around and kicked the dead nin away, sliding his blades out through the flesh. A one-handed tiger seal preceded a spray of flames that caught on two Suna shinobi, who began to flail about and burned one other. In a spectacular display of marksmanship, the pink warrior tossed one of his swords through the air and impaled an advancing foe through the solar plexus. His one remaining sword blocked a thrown volley of kunai before he viciously punched the offending thrower in the throat, collapsing his trachea. Not missing a beat, the pink warrior brought his sword around and began to viciously hack and slash at an approaching Oto nin, effectively slicing him into flesh-toned ribbons. He looked to be unable to dodge the rush from the final shinobi, but he somehow managed to jump into the air and vault straight off of the final Suna nin's chest. He brought his final sword down in a slash, cutting through bone and tissue to slice his final opponent into perfect halves. The two hunks of flesh hit the ground with dull _thuds_ and the pink shinobi remained still before going to pick up his second sword.

Kakashi was simply standing there, dumbfounded. This man, who looked no older than eighteen, had just shown him up like he was a Genin. That wasn't fair!

The pink man turned to him and lowered his sunglasses. Kakashi gaped as he laid his eyes upon a complete Sharingan. The only other person who would have a complete one would be…

"Itachi?!" he spluttered. Said Uchiha simply smirked; something he was not known for doing.

"Y'might wanna pick it up next time Kakashi." Itachi told the scarecrow.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi demanded, adopting a loose fighting stance.

"What, a guy can't come back and kick some ass in his old hometown?" Itachi asked flippantly before disappearing by use of his Karasu Shunshin **(Crow Body Flicker)**, a technique he developed to fluster his enemies while making a quick getaway. Kakashi stood stunned for a moment, wondering what would draw Konoha's most wanted out of hiding, before he dashed off to do his part.

* * *

Kurenai ducked another swing and stuck a kunai in her attacker's ribs. She stuck her leg out and kicked a second opponent in the knee, shattering it and dropping him. A quick genjutsu to screw up a third's depth perception, and she was in the clear. Or, she would have been if he had been unable to detect it. He shook off the genjutsu and delivered a solid kick to her midsection.

Kurenai felt the wind go out of her and she coughed up a few drops of blood as she was lifted up and fell to the ground on her shoulder. She growled; her shoulder had been dislocated. And it _hurt_. She looked up with a grimace and threw a handful of kunai at the offending shinobi, who casually swatted them aside. No sooner had they hit the ground than five other shinobi showed up. Three Oto and two Suna.

"Mmm…" one of them began, "she looks tasty. You guys wanna have a little fun while we're here?" he asked. The other five looked contemplative.

"Ah sure, I hear Konoha's women are supposed to be the best lay you'll ever have." said another Oto shinobi as they began to advance. Kurenai made a move to get up and clobber them to the best of her ability, but they quickly suppressed her attempt. She was quickly pinned down by her wrists, a knee on her back and her ankles. One of her assailants approached her and softly ran his hand over her rump. Kurenai struggled again, but more pressure was put on her wrists, ankles and back, making her yelp in pain. The shinobi near her rear chuckled as he pulled at the wrappings around her abdomen, and later the grey sports underwear which he sniffed before discarding.

"I like em' feisty." the ninja said in a surprisingly female voice.

'_Wait a second,'_ Kurenai thought _'I'm about to get raped by a GIRL? How does that work?!' _Her question got answered when she felt something smooth and metallic probe her nether-regions; the female Oto shinobi was going to use a kunai.

"First time's always painful!" she said as she pulled her arm back. Kurenai sent a mental apology to Asuma and her students for not being stronger, and regretting not being able to continue on with them.

But the searing pain of a kunai piercing her insides never came. The only thing she heard was a loud puncturing sound and a yell of pain as the five remaining shinobi got off of her.

Kurenai flipped over and tugged down her skirt as she looked for her saviour. All she saw was a deep green vine piercing the chest of the female Oto nin with a trickle of blood running over the spines on it. It moved to the side and snapped back to its original position, flinging her away like an old doll. Kurenai and the Oto nin watched it retract… into the sleeve of a well known nukenin, formerly of Kusagakure.

Zetsu.

The plant-like man, now free of a Henge and standing in his full glory, smirked confidently at the five remaining Oto and Suna shinobi.

"C'mon, **make my day.**" Zetsu taunted. The five enemy shinobi charged at the plant man with incredible speed, but Zetsu wasn't an S-rank shinobi for nothing.

He raised his right arm and two dark green vines shot out. Both of them were covered in dark red, almost maroon thorns that were most likely poisonous. The ends were also very sharp-looking. All of the enemies were prepared enough to expect the vines again, and predictably dodged. Exactly what Zetsu was gambling on.

"Ninpō: Gahō," **(Ninja Art: Spore) **Zetsu commanded without the use of any seals. All along the two vines, small dark green balls began to sprout and grow. When they were about the size of a potato, they burst, releasing a rapidly expanding cloud of yellowish gas. The five shinobi evaded the gas as it settled and dissipated, but Kurenai was not fast enough. The gas was coming down on her head.

But one of Zetsu's vines wrapped around her ankle and dragged her away before the spore matter could settle on her. Zetsu spared her a glance with one eye before he moved to engage his targets.

"Futon: Daitoppa!" the two Suna nin shouted, crossing the enormous blasts of air. Zetsu simply stood there.

"Zettai Bogyō: Sanagi!" **(Ultimate Defense: Chrysalis)** Zetsu countered. His entire body and clothing seemed to take on a brilliant sheen as the tunnel of wind slammed into him. He seemed unable to move while using this jutsu because he toppled over like a statue. But, he was unharmed, as he proved when the sheen dissipated and he sprang up.

Twice as many vines lashed out of his sleeves, this time with greater speed. Four enemy nin twisted out of the way while one got a nice scratch in his right side. The vine didn't go for him again, instead focusing on the other four. He tried to get in close to Zetsu, but was forced to back off when the plant man lowered his head and snapped at him with his venus-flytrap extension. It was a few seconds later that he started to feel fatigue. The inability to move his legs came later, followed by his chest and arms. The darkness came another minute after he laid there.

"Ninpō: Kaben Shuriken!" **(Ninja Art: Petal Shuriken)** Zetsu declared quietly. His vines flailed upwards and spontaneously sprouted black flowers. As he flung his vines downwards, the black petals detached and screamed through the air, three times as fast as normal shuriken or kunai. Two more opponents fell.

The two final shinobi stood together, prepared for anything. They tensed when Zetsu grinned.

He had them right where he wanted them.

"**Any last words gentlemen?"** he asked robotically. Although he couldn't see it, his two attackers frowned.

"You didn't think that spores just disappeared, did you?" he asked. No sooner had the question left his mouth did the Oto and Suna nin start to choke.

"Your lungs will support the growth of the spores. **You will be eaten alive by fungi, from the inside out.**" he guffawed darkly as the two enemies fell to their knees, and later to the ground, suffocating.

Zetsu clapped his hands as though he were dusting them off as he turned to Kurenai. The red-eyed kunoichi had simply stared as Zetsu massacred her would-be rapers.

"You may want to move. **The spores will spread, and I have more people to kill.**" Zetsu informed her before merging with the ground.

'_He can do that too?'_ Kurenai thought. _'Wait a sec, Zetsu came before Naruto. Maybe… Nah, there's no proof that they've worked together.'_

* * *

Maito Gai and Sarutobi Asuma cursed their situation. Everything seemed to have been going well before an entire battalion of Suna shinobi had converged on them. At the time, they were tired, cut and bruised, and low on chakra. In short, the situation was FUBAR.

"Asuma-san," Gai panted, "as unyouthful as it is to say this, I think we're boned."

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with you there Gai." Asuma whispered back.

The enemies leaped. The two friends braced for impact.

"Satetsu Shigure!" **(Iron Sand Drizzle) **said an unfamiliar voice.

_Splat! Splat! Klch! Kkhrch!_ The sounds of pierced flesh were followed by dull explosions as greyish projectiles sailed through the air and into the ground. Large red spots dotted where the projectiles had stuck out of the ground and shed their sleeves of blood. Gai and Asuma looked up to where the projectiles had come from. What they saw was something, or rather some_one_, they had only remembered seeing once in their youth. A man almost as legendary as their own Yondaime.

The Sandaime Kazekage.

"Gai, are you seeing what I'm, seeing?" Asuma asked, just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

"Yes," Gai responded, "a wooden reincarnation of the fabled Sandaime Kazekage, come to express his displeasure for the most unyouthful decision his country has made in allying with Otogakure, and reign divine justice upon them!" Gai shivered. Asuma turned his head slowly to his fashion-retarded counterpart.

"Gai... what the fuck are you smokin'?"

"THE SANDAIME!"

"OH SHIT!"

"RUN!"

The Suna shinobi quickly ran with their tails between their legs. None of them had gone two steps before some sort of cable came out of nowhere and skewered several of them. It anchored in the ground and began to go taut. Something attached to it flew out from behind the wreckage of a small shop, spewing jets of flames from its palms. It had a mop of hot rod red hair, and two sets of rotor blades were whirring on its back. It zeroed in on the few shinobi who were either burned and dying, burned but not dying, or not burned and not dying, and quickly saw to making them dying.

The fight was over before it even started. Whoever this guy was, he was remarkably efficient. Gai and Asuma noted in shock that the cable seemed to be _attached_ to the young man, and the rotors were a part of him. He twitched his fingers and the Sandaime Kazekage floated down to him, where he calmly opened a scroll and sealed the Kage back up. He turned to reveal his face; Gai and Asuma paled. It was Naruto's sensei.

Akasuna no Sasori.

"Pick up your jaws gents, you're gonna give em' road rash." Sasori said with a light smile before he darted off, every stride eliciting a muffled _tonk_, like hard plastic banging on the ground.

Asuma and Gai remained silent in shock. A nukenin, an S-rank one at that, had just pulled their asses out of the fire with seemingly no ulterior motives or even a reason, other than having taught one of the most promising shinobi of the day.

They did not count this as suspicious, or even dwell on the matter, simply thanking Sasori and counting their blessings before moving on to another fight.

* * *

Naruto didn't know how to describe his situation.

On one hand, it was going well. He had tracked Gaara and his siblings quite easily, dispatching Temari with a single Jibaku Nendo Bunshin **(Exploding Clay Clone) **before continuing along the trail. Kankuro had not been a problem; he had gone rigid at the sight of Naruto, allowing a waking Gaara to swat him away as the Shukaku awoke within him. It was at that particular moment that the Uchiha showed up and did his sub-par best to try and out-fight Naruto. Needless to say, he failed miserably. That Chidori technique though, that was interesting. Naruto made another mental note to somehow study the jutsu, whether it be by file, torture or picking through the Uchiha's brain, lobe by lobe.

The good news was that Sasuke had provided him the knowledge that Gaara's sand limbs, which were very much in the likeness of the Shukaku, could regenerate, as long as there was sand to use.

Other than that, Naruto felt just a little screwed. The Shukaku's influence over Gaara was becoming more powerful very quickly, as evident in how far along his transformation was. Sure, this wouldn't normally be a problem, but Naruto's attacks for this kind of operation usually had a blast radius, and he was usually standing in a sea of enemies.

This time, he was up against one clearly insane, demon-possessed opponent ("GIVE ME YOUR BLOOD!" "LET ME PROVE MY EXISTENCE!" Gaara continued to scream), and couldn't risk powering up some boom-boom and glassing the battleground without taking Sasuke and his pink-haired groupie, who was currently pinned to a tree- with Gaara. Not to mention Gaara's siblings, who were clearly mere pawns in the invasion.

"Ow, fuck!" Naruto swore as he got hit by another barrage of Suna Shuriken **(Sand Shuriken)** in his moment of relapse. He grunted as he righted himself and snatched up a wad of clay.

"You are weaker than you portray yourself, Namikaze Naruto. Where are your brave words, taunts and bravado now?" Gaara sneered, another voice overlapping his own, all but his legs immersed in sand, sculpted in the shape of a hideous bastardization of a tanuki. Naruto managed a grin as his hands spat out their large wads of clay. He quickly moulded them into the form for his pending technique.

"Here they are! Naruto Higi: Tokaihi!" **(Naruto's Secret Technique: City Lights) **he bellowed, flinging the dozens of marble-sized bombs at Gaara. "Katsu!" he followed up while closing his eyes and bringing up the collar of his open cloak to shield his eyes.

The explosives went off in a spectacular display of colours, all blindingly bright, hence the name for the technique. It was more of a getaway jutsu than an offensive one, although it could blind opponents if they weren't careful.

Naruto had to move quickly. Those flares would die down quite quickly. He clutched the one remaining bomb he had in his hand, this one about the size of a golf ball, and tossed it at Gaara, who was clutching his eyes in pain. Naruto sprang around behind Gaara like a frog, and tossed his final explosive with surprising strength.

It landed right on target: Gaara's ass.

The tanuki boy turned around to try and stare at the offending object and spotted Naruto in the process, smirking that smirk of his and forming a seal.

_**BANG!**_

The bomb went off and sent Gaara reeling. Kankuro, who had recovered, watched in horror as his younger brother went up in flames. Sasuke looked on in wonder and envy, as usual whenever someone else accomplished an objective he couldn't.

To Kankuro's relief, Gaara was not dead. He was simply a misshapen mass of sand and glass. A misshapen mass of _raging_ sand and glass, he corrected.

Gaara seemed to be contemplating something before he roared and called forth the sands beneath him. He began to expand until he stood over a hundred feet tall, in full Bijuu form.

"Aww, shit!" Naruto breathed, munching on another wad of clay. He was running out; he had forgotten to refill after rigging the stadium, and he didn't plan on fighting a demon after the matches.

'_I always gotta learn the bloody hard way.' _Naruto grumbled as he finished his clay bird and used it to climb through the canopy, moulding more bombs as he went, and using a tiny smidge of the fox's chakra to give them some extra oomph. He began a staring match with the sand monster; he only had one chance at this. Steeling his resolve, he began his run.

"**You truly think you can stop me Namikaze Naruto? You have amused me greatly, but now it is time-" **Gaara never got to finish his sentence as Naruto launched half a dozen reddish glowing projectiles into the air, which expanded to the size of a small whale each. The projectiles flew to his arm sockets, his stomach, his legs and his neck, all imbedding into the sand before worming their way in. The sand beast seemed to sneer.

"Don't laugh Gaara, what comes next makes spontaneous combustion look like a hot flash!" Naruto declared. "Bombs away!"

_**SKRA-KA-BOOM!**_

The ensuing explosion could have probably been seen from Suna. If not the initial blast, the mushroom cloud that followed could not be missed. The concussive blast surged out, overturning boulders, flattening trees,toppling buildings and knocking over shinobi.

Naruto himself was thrown from his transporter and into the air. He braced for impact; he knew he couldn't mould another bird that quickly. He hit the ground hard enough to crack it into a small crater, but prevented himself from breaking anything major by reinforcing his bones with chakra.

For a moment or two, he simply lay there, feeling too much pain to move. Finally, the fox kicked in his magical healing powers enough for Naruto to stand. As he shakily got to his feet, he saw Gaara lying on the ground, clearly not as fortunate as he.

"D-don't," Gaara rasped as Naruto began his weak approach.

"I'm not one for speeches Gaara, but let me ask you something:" Naruto crouched down to be more on level with Gaara. Bad choice. His ankle was clearly fractured if the blinding pain was any way to tell.

"You fight for yourself. I fight for those I cherish. Who comes out on top? Think about it." Naruto wheezed before walking away. Had he stayed, he would have heard Gaara mutter a 'thank you' to his recovered brother and sister as they began to haul his broken form back to Suna.

* * *

Hiruzen was dead. He had fallen against his former student Orochimaru, who had resurrected the Shodai Hokage to aide him in his failed conquest of Konoha. A funeral followed the war, and rain fell from the sky, as though the weather were an outlet for the emotions felt by Konoha's citizens.

While Deidara, Sasori and Zetsu remained hidden in Naruto's pad, Naruto, Itachi (in cognito, of course) and Kin felt it was prudent to pay their respects to one who had been so good to them. As Itachi went on ahead for the apartment, Kin and Naruto delayed to wrap each other in an embrace.

"You must miss him so much." Kin murmured as silent tears stained her eyes and black funeral dress.

"Yeah. He was more family to me than to anyone else in this village." Naruto warbled, losing the battle with crying. As he mourned the loss of someone so close, he remembered something.

"Kin-chan," he said as he held her at shoulder length, "that night when I helped you escape Orochimaru and you said you loved me... did you mean it?"

Kin's eyes opened a little more before she blushed a nice beet red. Naruto couldn't help but smile at how cute she looked when she was embarrassed. For a full minute she was silent.

"... I did." se whispered before she tightened her grip on his shoulders and brought him in for another kiss. Naruto did not go rigid like his first time, but drew her closer and shared the love.

* * *

From outside the gate, two cloaked and mysterious people stared at the wreckage of Konoha. The taller was silent, but the smaller gave a little guffaw.

"That's right, you sons of bitches," the smaller murmured in a feminine tone, "I'm back, and I'm jonesing for some violence."

* * *

**There we go, chapter 5 (I don't really count the special update as a chapter).**

**Please tell me what you think. I hope the long wait was worth it.**

**P.S: My Manhunter Challenge is still open for anyone who wants to try their hand at a VERY rare, almost nonexistent crossover!**

**Dirty Reid**

**Next Chapter: Enter Sarabi!**


	7. Black Sheep

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**By: Dirty Reid**

**Chapter 6: Black Sheep**

**A.N: I really should be working on the 2nd chapter of The Boston Tea Party, but I had planned for this chapter for so long that I just had to get it out and onto the site.**

**Again, thank you to all of my loyal fans and reviewers for voting on my OC's special ability: Now get the popcorn ready, you finally get to see it in action!**

* * *

The taller of the two cowled figures appeared to be staring at the cracked and destroyed wall of Konoha in some sort of wonderment. Said figure stood at least six feet tall. Their face was obscured by a conical rice farmer's hat, from which strips of paper draped to conceal their face, along with a very small bell. Their body was concealed by a jet black cloak decaled with red clouds, hugging their upper body and flaring out around the waist, fitting snugly but allowing manoeuvrability should they need to move in battle. On their back was some sort of large bludgeon, wrapped in white gauze with only the yellowish hilt and skull-shaped pommel visible.

"Looks like a typhoon hit the place." he said in a gruff, masculine voice.

"Makes it easier for us." Said the second figure in a feminine voice. She was dressed in identical attire to her male counterpart, save for several small differences. The most notable difference was her larger bust, which would be much more appealing were the cloak to be discarded. The second difference was that she carried two objects on her back. But instead of bludgeons, they looked more like the bastard love child of an orgy between a cleaver, a katana and a zanbato. Both of their blades were about two-and-a-half feet long, they had red grips and were encased in non-reflective leather sheaths. Despite being the smaller of the two, the female harboured a suppressed aura that promised far more danger than the male.

She quickly proved that when they approached a rift in the wall. The Chuunin standing guard had barely heard the ringing of their bells before the female had darted up to her and cleanly bisected her from right shoulder to left hip. The Chuunin died before she could even register she had seen her killer.

"That's right you sons of bitches," she said quietly, "I'm back, and I'm jonesing for some violence." she quickly flicked her blade to clean it of blood before she resheathed it.

* * *

For the umpteenth time that day, Naruto rolled his eyes. As if he didn't have enough on his plate having to hide four extremely dangerous nukenin, aiding in the reconstruction of Konoha and paying attention to his new girlfriend, now he was being called before the Hyuuga Court. Although the uptight messenger had not given a reason as to why, Naruto had a pretty good idea.

He took a deep breath as the gate to the Main Compound swung slowly open without a sound, just increasing the eeriness of the looming mansion before him. Under the deep grey cloud cover, the Hyuuga mansion could very well have resembled something from a horror movie. But did it scare him? Not in the slightest.

He was greeted (sort of) by a Hyuuga Branch member and led through the twisting halls of the near labyrinthine home of the white-eyed clan, all the while wondering how he could get out of the place without blowing it up but still managing to make several Hyuuga shit their pants. He quickly remembered to burn that bridge when he was brought into a circular chamber, complete with anywhere between twenty to thirty tiers. Every seat in the house appeared to be occupied by a Hyuuga, with the Main family sitting in the lower tiers, and the Branch in the upper.

Predictably, Hyuuga Hiashi sat front and centre with two other Hyuuga, a male and female whose names he did not know or care to know. Directly behind them sat Hiashi's daughters, Hinata and Hanabi. Despite being a clan priding themselves on concealing their emotions, the two girls could obviously not hide the fact that they were afraid of the blonde boy who had apparently slain a member of their clan quite easily.

"Sit," said Naruto's 'guide', indicating a wooden chair in the centre of the circular room. Naruto looked skeptically at the chair, using quick little chakra pulses to scan it for any incarceration seals or chakra leeches. Finding none, he hesitantly seated himself in the uncomfortable wooden chair. After a moment, all was silent and Hiashi opened the case.

"Namikaze Naruto of Konoha, do you know why you have been brought before this council today?" he asked in a tone that made it sound as though he were speaking to a small child. So much for a civil conversation.

"The kid's not mine! I swear, she's lying!" Naruto protested. There was silence before an outraged murmur swept through the court like a wildfire. Hiashi looked outraged at the notion of someone making a funny in his court. The elderly female Hyuuga to his right raised a gavel and banged it several times.

"Order!" she commanded in a surprisingly loud voice. When the assembled clan quieted and Naruto stopped snickering, every glare in the house was directed at him.

"You will refrain from making comments unrelated to the proceedings, Namikaze." she ordered. Naruto cocked one of his eyebrows at her.

"And what makes you think I'll just let you boss me around, you geriatric fuck?" Naruto asked in a calm reply, eliciting more murmurs at such casual use of foul language. "You hold no jurisdiction over how I act."

"Regardless, you are in the presence of persons above you, and are expected to behave as such." she snapped in reply. Naruto looked at her, never lowering his eyebrow.

"You? Above me? Ha ha, that's actually pretty funny." Naruto said with a grin and a forced chuckle. The elder man looked like he was about to snarl at Naruto when Hiashi let out a quick, but extremely powerful pulse of chakra.

"Enough of this impudence! Hisako, stand down! Namikaze-san, cool your tongue." he ordered. For once, Naruto felt just a little bit intimidated. Now he knew why Hiashi held the title of clan head. Silence immediately befell the court.

"As I asked previously Namikaze-san, do you know why you have been called before this court?" he asked, doing very well at suppressing his irritation brought on by the blonde puppet master.

"Umm... no?" Naruto responded, going with the playing dumb response. Hiashi almost rolled his eyes. Almost.

"Namikaze Naruto, you stand before this court today, accused of the murder of Hyuuga Hiatari of the Main Hyuuga Family. How do you plead?" Hiashi asked. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"God_damn_, I thought I explained this to you. What are you, deaf? I killed him as a retaliatory action for attempting to have me killed. Is... Umm, dammit, what was his name... oh! Is Hyuuga Hikaze present?" Naruto called, looking through the upper tiers. Finally, a feminine man rose from his seat. Naruto felt a pinch of regret to see the scars he had surely inflicted upon the man's face. All eyes were now on him.

"Namikaze-san speaks the truth Hiashi-sama," Hikaze confirmed in a voice that sounded not quite as strong as it should have been. "Hiatari-ani ordered me to assassinate Namikaze-san. Should I have refused, he would have seen to it that my wife and children would have perished by means of the Caged Bird seal." Hikaze's voice grew slightly stronger as doubt regarding the current situation spread throughout the court. Hisako and the elder male did not seem convinced though.

"When I was captured, I felt that I was being unduly punished and wanted nothing more than to strike back. But after I thought about it, I realized that Namikaze-san had every right to harm me like he did because I failed to see him through my own eyes as a human being, simply relying on what others viewed him as; a monster." Naruto had begun to smile just a little bit.

"I conceded the information, and he spared my life. In the end, he did Konoha a favour by removing from it a man corrupted by his power over others." Hikaze finished his speech, and a murmur of agreement over the untold revelation rippled through the court.

Down from the chair, Naruto nodded to Hikaze in appreciation, not expecting a reply. Imagine his surprise when he received a wink in return. In the front seat, the steel-hearted elders and leader were talking amongst themselves. In all reality, what the majority of the clan thought mattered little to nothing to them. They made all of the decisions, regardless of the opinion of their subordinates.

"Order!" The elder male boomed. "Regardless of his motives, Namikaze Naruto remains guilty of the murder of Hyuuga Hiatari, and the theft of the Byakugan. Such crimes are punishable by death. However Namikaze-san, seeing as you still possess Hiatari's remains, we will offer you two choices. Plead not guilty, and you will be tried before Konoha's Superior Court, most likely ending in your execution. Plead guilty and surrender Hiatari's body, and you will be detailed to serving the Hyuuga for a minimum of ten years. What will your choice be?" he asked in a smug voice.

Naruto frowned. _'Now this won't do at all.'_

"What is your name Hyuuga-san?" Naruto asked. The wrinkles around the man's eyes became more pronounced for a moment.

"Hyuuga Hiruki." Hiruki answered warily.

"Okay, Hyuuga Hiruki, Fuckface," Naruto said as he got up from his chair and began a slow amble forwards. "First, take a big step back, and literally _FUCK_ YOUR OWN FACE!" Naruto yelled, startling every member of the assembled court. Even Hiashi jumped a bit; his elder daughter Hinata had fainted.

"Now I don't know what kind of clan protection bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Konoha, pal, is _my_ turf now." Naruto had now reached the other side of the bench and was making the elders skitter back from him.

"So whatever you think you can do to me, you better think again. Cuz' if I get another summons for 'unjustly' murdering one of your clan members, I'll just have to come down here, and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you, got it?" he asked as he placed a hand on the bench.

"You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations to get a fucking Binding Resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you." Naruto had placed his knee on the bench while jabbing his finger at Hiruki, and several members of the assembled court felt their control over their bowels or bladders weakening.

"I am talking scorched earth, mother_fucker_! _I will massacre you_! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!" Naruto bellowed at the top of his lungs as he kneeled on the bench. Little flecks of spittle had landed on Hiashi and the elders' faces, and every member of the Hyuuga clan was fervently making a mental note to never cross the psychotic blonde.

Remarkably, his face went from enraged to completely content in zero seconds flat.

"Glad we could sort this out. Now if you dipshits will excuse me, I do believe I am missing some cuddling time with my girlfriend." Naruto chirped as he practically skipped out of the court by disappearing through the wall.

No one made a sound for the next three or so minutes. Mostly because the entire court were questioning whether the blonde would actually do such a thing.

Oddly enough, no one doubted it.

**(A.N: Goddamn, I love Tropic Thunder! Don't you?)**

* * *

Not far away, there was a small dango shop. Inside said shop, four Jounin and one Tokubetsu Jounin discussed their strange encounters during the short battle with the combined forces of Oto and Suna.

"So let me get this straight," Ibiki started, "Asuma and Gai, you were up against a shit ton of guys when Akasuna no Sasori just showed up out of the blue and slaughtered them before leaving you two without a scratch?" he finished incredulously. Asuma and Gai nodded, oddly enough, silent in the process.

"To compound that," Kurenai continued as she munched on one of her delicious dumplings, "while you were about to get crushed by one of Orochimaru's giant snakes and there was no way you could stop it, _Deidara_of all people blew the thing up, dropped a one-liner and just took off?" Ibiki grunted an affirmative, taking a swig of sake.

"In addition," Kakashi began to add his two ryou "you were about to be raped when the one and only Zetsu pops out of the ground and saves your life, and not so he can eat you afterwards?" Kurenai indicated herself as if to say 'I'm still alive, aren't I?' Kakashi shook his head and took a sip of sake faster than anyone could see.

It was mere seconds later that Uchiha Sasuke entered the dango shop. He had been told by Kakashi to meet him there for reasons unknown. Sasuke was certain that it wasn't for a bite, seeing as he disliked sweets, so it must be something important. He spotted his sensei, rapt in conversation with several other veteran shinobi. He began a walk towards them, but stopped when he got wind of their conversation.

"And to top it off," Asuma concluded, "you were about to get gang beat by a dozen or so Oto shinobi when out of nowhere, Uchiha Itachi shows up, hacks em' up, insults you and leaves? What the hell gives with today?" he asked. Sasuke didn't particularly care to know. He had stopped listening as soon as 'the name' had been spoken, and said owner of 'the name' was in Konoha. Appointment with Kakashi forgotten, Sasuke dashed out of the shop, in search of his elder brother.

"Hey, you remember Naruto saying he was trained by Sasori when he was up against that Suna puppeteer in the preliminaries?" Kurenai asked. Asuma perked up.

"Yeah. And I never told anyone this, not even Otou-san, but on the way to my team's heist in Ame, Zetsu showed up and was apparently quite familiar with Naruto." Asuma added. Everyone shared a look at him before theories began to bubble up and take form.

"You do not think that all four of them are connected to Naruto somehow, do you?" Gai asked.

"The chances of all four of them being here by coincidence are practically nonexistent." Kakashi pointed out rather blandly.

"I say we should split up and try to find them. If we run into Naruto, we can question him." Kurenai proposed.

"Alone? I agree with your most youthful plan Kurenai, but against an S-rank nukenin, or even Naruto, we would be hard pressed to survive an encounter, let alone win. Perhaps combing the village in pairs would be more productive." Gai suggested. There was silence as the four remaining Jounin pondered Gai's surprisingly intelligent decision.

"Good idea. Kurenai and I will search together, Kakashi, you go with Gai. Ibiki, I suggest you find a partner if you want to help us out. If we aren't back here in thirty, come looking." Asuma gently brushed his significant other's hand on the way up, prompting her to hurry after him to hide her blush. Kakashi mentally moaned at being stuck with Gai and Ibiki quickly Shunshin'd out of the shop.

* * *

Twenty-five minutes of combing the village and forests of Konoha had yielded no results. Asuma and Kurenai had searched every residence building, every lodging house, every hotel, every run down apartment complex and every brothel in the eastern third of Konoha. Even Naruto's apartment had yielded no results, although they did make the surprise discovery of a bong and a few scraps of marijuana. With a sniff of it from Asuma, much to Kurenai's distaste, he had concluded it to be Dragon's Breath, a brand exclusive to Konoha that was actually quite common. Asuma said that that little detail would create more dead ends than leads, but regardless, they should head for the Underground, a jealously guarded, seedy little bar where most of the illegal stuff in Konoha was traded. The dealers there were easily bribed and their memories were none too shabby either.

On the way, they were distracted by the presence of two foreign chakra signatures. One was clearly a huge amount of chakra forced into submission to avoid detection. The second one though... the second one was large, yes, but was under far greater control. It unsettled both Asuma and Kurenai, but for different reasons. Kurenai, because the suppressed signature couldn't hide the intent to kill. Asuma, because he remembered the signature from before, but he couldn't remember where.

They met the sources of the two signatures on a concrete walk beside the river. Both of them wore rice farmer's hats that concealed their faces, black cloaks with red clouds, and both carried some sort of weapon on their back. The larger, more masculine one carried a single object that looked somewhat like a club protected by wrappings. The smaller, feminine one carried two blades that looked like they were the bastard love children created by an orgy between a cleaver, a katana and a zanbato.

"You two aren't from around here." Asuma stated in a deadpan tone. The two cloaked figured made no reply. For at least twenty seconds, the only sound was the flowing water.

Sniff.

Asuma's eyes flicked to the smaller cloaked figure. He could have sworn they just sniffed. Sniff. There it was again! What was with that sniffing noise?

Tip.

Asuma heard another sound, this one originating from somewhere lower. He flicked his eyes downwards to view something rather odd.

There was a tiny wet spot below where the smaller figure's face would have been. Then came another. And another. Each wet spot came with a small sniff, and eventually, a noise that sounded like a vainly contained hiccup.

'_Is that guy __crying__?' _Asuma wondered. He got his answer just seconds after he had processed that thought.

"Hm... figures you would still be with that whore..." said the smaller figure, which was apparently female. Kurenai's eyes narrowed when the cloaked woman called her a whore. Asuma's eyes narrowed along with his significant other's. The larger cloaked figure moved his head in a barely noticeable circle, as though he had rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"Here we go again," he mouthed.

"Where do you get off calling her a whore?" Asuma snapped warily, tensing his muscles as he prepared for the fight he smelled approaching. His question drew the gaze of the female, who sniffed one more time.

"Do you truly not recognize my voice anymore?" she asked. Her right arm came up, revealing a slender, delicate-looking right hand with well painted purple nails that had been filed to mimic claws. On her ring finger was a ring with a fiery crimson centre, the kanji for 'Red' the only decoration. Her hand gently clasped the rice farmer's hat upon her head and slowly lifted it. Asuma and Kurenai grew tenser as the woman prepared to reveal herself. An hour seemed to have passed before she lifted her hat to lessen the shadows she was cowled in. Asuma's heart skipped a couple of beats when he saw before him a pair of four-tomoe Sharingan eyes, blazing in all of their malevolent glory.

Wait... _four_ tomoe?

Asuma's cigarette dropped from his mouth as painful memories burst from the closet he had so desperately tried to hide them in.

"No! That's i-impossible! Y-you can't be you, you-you're _dead_ for Kami's sake!" Asuma spluttered, clearly unable to believe who was standing in front of him. The woman simply lifted her rice hat farther until it came completely free of her head.

A cascading ponytail of steel grey hair that shone bright as any weapon in the afternoon light fell from its confines within the hat. Any stray hair that could have fallen over her forehead was kept back by the Konoha hitai-ate she wore, which had a single scratch directly through the leaf symbol. Sitting in the plain black hair tie were several needles that could likely be used as backup weapons. Her face, which looked somewhere in the region of thirty-something, could be described as shaped like a rhombus or a pentagon, but was likely one of the most attractive faces within the land.

Her high cheekbones immediately created an impression of aristocracy and sharpness which accented her beauty. Her ivory skin was tight and unwrinkled, but small lines appeared around the corners of her mouth, which was stretched into a thin smile; a smile that was bereft of any warmth or kindness. Her Sharingan eyes were as sharp as the blades on her back, and truly made up for her standing at a mere 5'5".

"Nice to see you too Asu-chan." the Uchiha woman replied to Asuma's stuttering statement. Kurenai redirected her gaze to the chain-smoking Jounin.

"You _know_ this woman?!" she snapped. Said woman's smile simply became a little less thin. The larger man seemed to be watching in amusement.

"She's Uchiha Sarabi; prodigy, and my ex-girlfriend." Asuma answered. Kurenai's mouth dropped open. Asuma had never said anything about having an ex!

"Yeah, bet you never brought me up until now, didn't you Asu-chan? Didn't want the go-getter whore to know you're a cheating sneak at heart, eh?" Sarabi asked snidely.

"Go-getter?! What the hell is your problem?!" Kurenai snapped at Sarabi. The older Uchiha woman sniffed again as another tear fell from her eye.

"You stole him from me you bitch! I don't know if it's just because he likes red eyes or he has commitment problems, but you've still got to _DIE_!" Sarabi screamed, launching herself forward from her standing position with enough chakra to create a spider-web of cracks in the concrete. A truckload of adrenalin gushed through Kurenai as she dove to the side, barely avoiding Sarabi's claws swiping the air she once occupied and getting a few of her hairs sliced in the process. Sarabi stopped herself by grinding her heels into the concrete and doing a backflip. She landed beside Kurenai, who was raising herself up, and snapped off a kick to the Jounin's ribs that lifted her about four into the air. Sarabi wound up her fist and planted it in Kurenai's side with brutal force. Kurenai gave an exclamation of pain as the force of Sarabi's punch sent her forwards a few feet before she smacked into the ground. Her ribs protested movement as she tried to get up and retaliate.

Asuma had whipped out his trench knives and was about to rush Sarabi when the larger figure, which he had temporarily forgotten about upon learning that his ex was still alive, moved in front of him and had almost swiped him with his large bludgeon. Asuma managed to suck his hest in far enough so that the edge of the white wrappings just brushed his vest.

"Tut, tut, tut Asu-chan, you don't wanna forget about me now, do you?" he asked in a deep and gravelly voice, mockingly using Sarabi's pet name for him. He removed his right hand, which was a muted bluish colour, and discarded his own conical hat, tossing it to the ground. Asuma couldn't help but wince in disgust as the man revealed his less-than-appealing face.

Like his hand, the man's skin was blue. His small eyes were beady and their veins pulsed rapidly, looking that much brighter under the shadows above them. His upright blue hair that was eerily similar to Kakashi's hairdo was held by a helmet-style hitai-ate with a score through the centre of it and the symbol of Kirigakure emblazoned in the centre. There were three slits on both of his cheeks that looked not unlike gills. His mouth was stretched into a grin, exposing his triangular teeth that would not have looked out of place in the jaws of a shark. In all reality, this man looked more like a shark with legs than a human. That meant he could be only one person.

"Hoshigaki Kisame, formerly of Kirigakure and the Kiri no Shinobigatana Nananin Shu," **(Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of the Mist) **Asuma stated emotionlessly. "Exiled for aiding and abetting a coup d'état against the Mizukage, and allegedly assassinating the Water Daimyo." Kisame's grin only seemed to get wider.

"Ah, it feels so nice to be known outside of your old home." he said in an aloof voice. "'Course that usually means I have to get rid of whoever it is that knows me." he licked his lips with a surprisingly long tongue before he got back to trying to swat Asuma. For being such a large weapon, Kisame was able to swing it quite easily, and with one hand nonetheless. Asuma began to sweat as he danced around the huge bludgeon, only sweating more when Kisame swung it with enough power to create a crater in the concrete bigger than the one Sarabi had.

Eventually, Asuma had to raise his knives and stop the bludgeon. His knees bent under the enormous pressure Kisame was applying on the weapon. He transferred chakra to his arms to reinforce them, and some of the pressure on his knees lessened. Kisame gritted his teeth harder and pushed down harder with both arms.

"My sword, Samehada," he grunted quietly. "Is not like any other sword. It does not cut," Asuma felt the wrappings around Samehada rest on his sleeve.

"It _shaves_!" Kisame yanked the blade backwards and Asuma felt several severe stings along his left arm. He looked to see about seven or eight inches of Samehada's wrappings being torn off to reveal a navy blue mass of spikes, the lower half now tipped with his blood as it scraped off several slivers of his skin. The wounds were not deep, but they still hurt.

Kisame grinned as he raised Samehada and licked Asuma's blood off of it. "Mmm, tasty," he said darkly before he charged in again. Anticipating the rush, Asuma strafed to his left and threw out a punch. Kisame moved his head to the left and dodged the hook. He winced when he felt a prominent stinging sensation and his cheek began to dribble blood. Asuma kept himself from grinning as he lowered the wind-natured chakra extensions on his knives that he was so famous for as he moved back in to try and dispatch Kisame and aid Kurenai.

Kurenai was not faring so well. Taijutsu was not her strong point, nor was her endurance particularly high. She cursed her shorthanded areas of combat because Sarabi seemed to be quite proficient in those areas, and was giving her no mercy. She ducked a diagonal tornado kick and raised her arms to block the following hook punch. She forced her arms forwards to throw Sarabi backwards and brought both of her arms forwards into spear hand strikes. Sarabi brought her arms up and out, deflecting the blows that would have struck her chest and quickly delivered an open palm strike to Kurenai's chest. Kurenai skidded back about five feet, so the blow was clearly laced with chakra. The red-eyed Jounin stared at her elder opponent, whose thin smile had not left her face. Kurenai grimaced at the notion that she was being toyed with.

"Asu-chan must've really lowered his standards if he's dating someone like you." Sarabi observed, her smile growing minutely when Kurenai's face tightened at the jab. Kurenai reached for her kunai pouch and flung a handful of the little black knives at Sarabi. Three of the kunai were normal, but two others were experimental weapons that had just come out under a month ago: Incendiary Kunai.

The design concept was rather simple. It was simply a kunai with an engraved seal on it. After throwing the kunai, the thrower would give off a pulse of chakra, activating the seal and triggering a small explosion of flames. If the kunai was already imbedded in the target, it would set them on fire if the wound was non-lethal, or it would make sure that they died. If the kunai landed near a target, it could catch them in the blast radius and set them on fire. Kurenai hoped she could see Sarabi burn.

Quickly flashing her Sharingan, Sarabi noted that a seal on a kunai was generally a bad thing. She quickly reached back and grasped one of the hilts of her large blades, drawing it swiftly and using the flat side of it to deflect the kunai. The five projectiles bounced off the gleaming steel with five _pings_ and flew towards the ground or into the air. Sarabi backpedaled as Kurenai made a one-handed seal, and the seal-laden kunai gave off small explosions of flames with about a six foot radius. Sarabi made a note to ensure she was never on the receiving end of one of those little nasties. She looked up from the two explosions to see that Kurenai had vanished. Sarabi quickly activated her Sharingan once again to see a net of chakra encapsulating her.

'_Genjutsu,'_ she thought just before tree roots seemed to grow out of the ground and ensnare her. She craned her head to see Kurenai sticking out of the tree trunk behind her with another one of those special kunai. The Konoha Jounin was smirking a little bit, thinking this was the end. Sarabi shook her head as her Sharingan flared to life once again.

"Sakasa!" **(Reverse)** she commanded. Immediately, the chakra net fluctuated and was reversed upon Kurenai, who felt herself trapped against the trunk of a tree. Sarabi shook her head condescendingly.

"Inexperienced _and_ stupid. What a winning combination." Sarabi commented sarcastically as she spun her blade about and began her run at Kurenai with the intent to stab her in the stomach. Thinking fast, Kurenai bit down on her lip hard enough to draw blood. As the reddish liquid trickled down her chin, she felt the foreign chakra exit her system and was able to jump high enough to avoid what would have been a fatal impact. Kurenai bunched up her legs and quickly snapped them out, planting them in Sarabi's chest as hard as she could in an impromptu drop kick. The impact drove her back enough to allow her to land on her hands and crudely flip back onto her feet. Sarabi stumbled back a few steps trying to recover from having the wind knocked out of her. She looked up at Kurenai, eyes blazing.

"So you _do _have some fight in you." Sarabi muttered coldly before she sheathed her blade and began a zigzag approach. Kurenai took out a pair of kunai to defend herself. Sarabi was coming at her from the left and Kurenai took a quick swipe. Sarabi ducked the blade and caught Kurenai's impromptu front kick. She latched onto Kurenai's ankle with her other hand and pulled Kurenai off balance. With a quiet roar, Sarabi threw Kurenai with all of her might, using chakra for some extra oomph. Kurenai flew head over heels through the air and would have sunk into the water if she hadn't used chakra to keep herself on the surface. She raised herself to her hands and knees, waiting for Sarabi to approach her from behind. As the minor vibrations grew louder, Kurenai whipped around and tossed her third and final Incendiary Kunai. Critical hit.

Sarabi lurched backwards as the kunai buried itself into her stomach. She managed a small grunt of surprise before the kunai exploded.

From their fight, Asuma and Kisame looked over again as another explosion went off. Asuma felt something in his chest as he watched his ex-girlfriend die in a blast of flames. He pondered what it could be, his theory being relief or sadness. He hoped and prayed that it was the former.

"Nice try," said Sarabi's voice from the treeline, where she dropped out of the canopy and brushed off a few clinging leaves. "Although I gotta admit, I thought you would have done better against a Kage Bunshin." Kurenai paled just a little more.

"I was fighting a clone the entire time?" she asked in disbelief. Sarabi nodded.

Asuma's second of distraction was enough for Kisame to catch him in the chest with a punch. He stepped back and hunched over as he tried to regain his breath. Kisame raised Samehada and prepared to deliver the final blow.

His arm stopped about halfway down. It had been caught by a rather strong arm. Kisame looked to his left just in time to see a greyish flash before a fist was driven into his mug. The shark man stumbled back a step or two before he was driven back again by a kick to the chest. He dug his feet into the ground and glared up at his attacker, who was a face he had seen in many Bingo Books. Sharingan no Hatake Kakashi.

Sarabi was observing Kisame's judgment being halted. Her momentary disregard for her surroundings almost cost her dearly, had she not detected the unappealing scent of body odour and spandex. She activated her Sharingan again and was just barely able to duck the tornado kick that would have surely taken her head off. She sprang from her crouch and managed to twist around fast enough to follow up with a retaliatory shuriken. Her attacker, clad in a hideous outfit composed of evergreen and orange, deflected the shuriken easily, but was slowed down just enough for Sarabi to get her distance.

She landed gracefully and sized up her opponent. Six feet plus; evergreen leotard; orange leg-warmers; caterpillars clinging to his forehead; yup, Konoha was FUMTU **(Fucked Up More Than Usual)**. At least, it seemed more so than when she had left. Craziness was contagious, but then again, bad fashion sense was even more contagious. Sarabi wouldn't have been surprised if someone who looked exactly like this freak was walking around the village.

* * *

Lying in his hospital bed, Rock Lee sneezed violently.

"I feel a great disturbance in the powers of youth; almost as though someone malignant has criticized the greatness known as Gai-sensei and I." he murmured.

"... I'm calling the madhouse now." said the nurse at his bedside, promptly exiting the room.

* * *

"Who are these two?" asked the green freak, more commonly known as Maito Gai.

"Hoshigaki Kisame and _apparently_, the psycho ex-girlfriend Asuma never told us about." Kurenai said with no small amount of annoyance in her voice as she looked pointedly at her significant other. Asuma looked at her indignantly, while Kakashi and Gai looked at Asuma in curiosity.

"You were grieving, I spent less time with her while I was making sure you were okay and she died before... okay, she _seemed to have died_ before I could break up with her!" he protested. Kakashi and Gai looked confused. Kisame's face was unreadable. Sarabi was rolling her eyes.

"And it never occurred to you to tell me that you were dating someone else before getting together with me?" Kurenai asked him like a mother might ask a child a question.

"Um, this _really _isn't the time to bring up relationship issues you two." Kakashi reprimanded them.

"Yeah! Now's the time for you to DIE!" Sarabi cried, drawing both of her blades with flashes of light and shooting from her standing place. Gai moved with surprising speed to intercept her. Sarabi had clearly anticipated this, because she launched herself into a cannonball and lashed out with her feet. She caught Gai in the chest hard, twisted herself around and vaulted off of him. Gai hit the ground hard and seemed to be twitching like he had just been electrocuted, but Sarabi transferring lightning chakra to her feet wouldn't have been surprising at this point.

Kakashi moved to intercept her this time. With his Sharingan, he figured he would have an easier time than Gai. Wrong answer. Sarabi took one look at him and her mutated Sharingan eyes seemed to grow darker faster than even his Sharingan could keep track of. Immediately after her eyes flashed, or anti-flashed, or whatever fit the description, she just... winked out of existence. No chakra-generated cloud of smoke in indication of utilizing the Shunshin, no nothing. Kakashi started to panic until he saw a darkish blur in his lower peripheral vision. A heel quickly connected with his jaw, followed by an electric blast that set his nerves on fire. He managed to see Sarabi finishing her backflip and continue towards Kurenai. Asuma was moving to engage her, but Sarabi was far faster than he was. She jumped into the air and extended one of her blades faster than he could raise his knives to block. He barked loudly as a pair of not-so-shallow lacerations worked their way along his arms, spraying blood. Sarabi continued to spin and smacked him with the butt of her sword's hilt. He fell backwards onto the water, and could not help but feel something akin to awe.

'_You've gotten so much stronger Sarabi,'_ he marveled.

The Uchiha woman was practically salivating as she jumped into the air and prepared to bring both of her blades through Kurenai's paralyzed form, the whore's mistake of looking into her eyes and falling victim to the Kanashibari no jutsu. Sarabi's eyes grew wider and more insane as she got closer to stabbing Kurenai with her blades.

"Victory is mine!" she cried in triumph.

CLANG!

Sarabi fell to the water and her expression darkened considerably as two much thinner blades parried and deadlocked her own. She looked up the blades to the hilts; standard ANBU-issued chokuto. She looked up the hands and arms to lay eyes upon the pink shirt her new opponent wore. Pink?! What respectable shinobi or ANBU wore _pink_!?

She looked up to the face of her new aggressor, and promptly stilled. The face of an emotionless Uchiha greeted her, with his Sharingan flaring. And not just any Uchiha, but one she wanted dead more than Kurenai at this point.

Uchiha Itachi; that little pile of _shit_ that had the gall to stop her ascension to power.

"GrrrAAAAAAH!" Sarabi roared in purest and unadulterated fury, overpowering her younger blood with a blast of chakra and trying to slice his head off in the process. But luck seemed to be looking away from her as Itachi took the defensive/offensive strike in stride, flipping back and holding his twin blades at the ready.

Kakashi and Gai, who had recovered, Asuma and Kurenai looked at the Uchiha prodigy in shock. That was the second time in less than a week he had shown up right under their noses. Kisame, almost forgotten, was looking over the scene in growing interest.

"Well, well, well, looks like I missed one." Itachi said in a tone strangely playful for any Uchiha, even ones outside of the mould. Sarabi growled angrily, her flashing chakra stirring up the water beneath her.

"Well, fuck me sideways. I _knew_ I should have drowned you in your own amniotic fluid when I had the chance." Sarabi grumbled. Itachi looked rather disgusted before he asked the question Sarabi knew was coming.

"Who are you?" Sarabi simply feigned looking sardonic.

"Well, to you, I'm literally the crazy black sheep of an aunt that Daddy never talked to you about." said Itachi's apparent aunt. Itachi looked like he was thinking for a second.

"... You're Otou-san's sister?" he asked blankly. Sarabi 'pointed' at him with her forehead.

"Point proven."

"And I thought the invasion was weird, yeah." said a new voice. Everyone looked up to see the one and only Deidara floating down on some sort of wing. He landed on the water and the wing fell limp, revealing itself to be his cloak. Itachi, Sarabi, Kisame and the four Konoha Jounin were looking at him strangely.

"What? You didn't think this cloak was just for decoration did you? It's got a network of microfilaments in it that hardens when chakra is pumped through them. Good as armour or a set of wings." he explained. "But I do believe the story of Miss Uchiha here is far more interesting, yeah." All attention was redirected to Sarabi.

"Long story short Blondie, I'm here to kill Asuma, the whore over there and my power-grabbing nephew." Sarabi summed up curtly. Kisame smacked his head.

"Idiot, that is the exact _opposite _of why we're here." he said to her.

"Can it Fishface." Sarabi snapped. Kisame immediately quieted. Clearly Sarabi was a lot more powerful than she was letting on.

"Need I remind you that you're _still_ trying to remove some of that Krazy Glue from your ass. Don't think I won't slap another layer on." she added.

Okay, clearly Sarabi was a lot more powerful _and_ insane than she was letting on. After that little revelation, Deidara almost felt like laughing, along with everyone but Kisame, who had turned a dark sort of purplish colour. That probably meant he was blushing.

"Can someone please explain what is going on here? There are a lot of things going on here that just don't make sense." Kakashi asked in a surprisingly civil voice.

"Yes Sarabi, I'd like to know about your past, since you never told me." Asuma added.

"I agree with Cancer-Stick over there; you never told me much about yourself." Kisame said in support of Asuma's statement and attempting to divert attention from himself.

"What the hell is this, a therapy session!?" Sarabi snapped as multiple veins bulged on her forehead.

"No, this is the part where you tell me why I've never heard of you." Itachi responded.

"What's to tell? I'm here to make sure several people here suffer for ruining my life and make sure no one else can live to tell the tale."

"How did _I_ ruin your life?" Itachi asked exasperatedly. Sarabi looked like she was ready to eat him.

"For fuck's sake, didn't big-fucking-brother _Fuck_gaku teach you anything about Uchiha Clan politics?! God, kids are such headaches!" Sarabi face-palmed for a minute.

"Let me tell you a tale of a tragic heroine that will surely bring some of you to tears." she said in a voice that sounded like she was about to spill out an angst-riddled epic.

"Hoo boy, she's in angst mode again. This ain't gonna be pretty." Kisame muttered as Sarabi took a breath.

"Once upon a time, forty-four long years ago, a boy was born into the world. Ever since an early age, he had aspired to be a shinobi. So at his first available opportunity, he began to train. For years, he worked and worked, advancing through the ranks of his village until he became a Chuunin at the age of thirteen. His parents, patriarch and matriarch alike, knew he would one day take their place as the proud clan leader.

"But all that was jeopardized when, after thirteen years, the boy's mother fell pregnant again at the age of forty-three. Sure enough, after nine month spent dreading the arrival of another sibling, the boy's mother gave birth to a girl. The boy became unhappy when he was given less attention than his baby sibling, but eventually got over it and grew to love her like he should have.

"The little girl later declared she would become 'the bestest ninja ever' when the boy told her about being a shinobi. And so, the girl began her long journey. At the age of six, she entered the Shinobi Academy. At ten she became a Genin, coming out of the Academy at the top of her class, acquiring her Sharingan mere weeks later. At eleven, she was promoted to the rank of Chuunin, and Jounin on her twelfth birthday. The girl had become a woman. Needless to say, having become an ANBU only two years previously, the boy, or rather man, had become quite envious of his sister.

"The girl who had become a woman was everything he wanted to be, minus the two X chromosomes part. She had cut a swath through the ranks of her home at an age even younger than he, and had had to work harder to do it. Her service record was spotless, whereas he had abandoned or failed at least half a dozen missions. He had yet to find love, where she had found someone to cherish, though her family frowned upon his lineage. To his terror, the elders of their clan began to consider granting the woman the rightful rule of the clan when she became of age.

"Naturally, the woman was delighted to hear that she could someday be the mistress of her entire family. She became so obsessed with the idea that she almost felt that her appointment as heiress was supposed to have happened all along, and that no one could take it away from her." Here Sarabi paused and sucked in a shuddering breath. It sounded like she was trying not to cry.

"But alas, the fates were cruel to her after her misguided thoughts. To the woman's abject horror, her brother had found a woman and was considering engagement. She fervently hoped and prayed that the other woman would not return the man's affections, or at least find inbreeding to be disgusting. No suck luck. The man married the slut happily, and with no objections. The woman was starting to panic. The elders were already starting to lean back to favouring the man, should he and the slut produce spawn. Such an action would ensure that she would never take the title. She was starting to get desperate.

"The following year, the clan was thrown into chaos. No female members of the family were falling pregnant. The family feared that some sort of virus was polluting the air, rendering the males impotent or the females infertile. Behind the scenes, the woman laughed at their stupidity. There was no such airborne virus that robs a human of their fertility. It was all her doing; she had poisoned the clan's supply of personal tea with a contraceptive she had created herself. The plan was so-"

"Wait, wait, wait, the Impotency Crisis was caused by _you_!?" Itachi breathed.

"Yes, now shut up. The plan was so simple, so _ingenious_, she was actually certain it would work. But again, the woman cried herself to sleep when, by some astronomical chance, the slut found herself pregnant. Her one final chance was for the slut to have a miscarriage. She hoped and hoped, and even tried to arrange several _accidents_ that would result in the loss of the spawn. Later, she beat her head against a rock when all of her accidents failed. The woman could have drowned herself in her tears when the spawn finally came into the world alive. Her chance at the title of heiress was long gone." Sarabi stopped and pressed at her eyes, tearing up again. Itachi looked sickened at the fact that his aunt would have gone to such lengths to kill him by taking his mother out while she was pregnant.

The Uchiha woman looked up and rounded her vengeful red eyes to Kurenai, who was immediately on guard.

"Tell me, whore," she said, making Kurenai shake with anger, "has anyone found out how your dear elder sister died?"

The air became deathly quiet as Kurenai's gaze went from angry to desperately wanting to hear more.

"Not long after the birth of the woman's nephew, she was sent on an A-rank mission to assassinate a shinobi who had stolen something from Konoha. The mission ended in a failure. The thief was far craftier than the information had detailed him as. He slew two members of the squad and beat the woman and her friend senseless.

"The woman, angered at her first failure in service to her home, and slipping to madness by the loss of her true destiny, took it out on her colleague, blaming the weaker for her mishap. She tortured her colleague and took great pleasure in bleeding her from the inside. The failure who died was Yuhi Kō. That's right whore, it was _me_." Sarabi proclaimed through gritted teeth. Kurenai looked about ready to cry as she learned that her sister had been murdered by someone so close to her.

"The woman felt guilty about finding pleasure in murdering Kō, but she later rejoiced as her complete Sharingan matured even further; something even the forefather had never achieved. She returned with a sombre face, saying everyone had died but her. When attending the funeral, the woman's life spiraled even further down when she caught her boyfriend in the arms of the failure's younger sibling." Sarabi's voice grew accusatory as she shifted her gaze to Asuma, who shied away at the unbridled hatred in Sarabi's red orbs.

"The woman had nothing left to remain in her home for. So, in a final display of brilliance, with a suicide note, an explosion, some scraps of raw meat and several splashes of her own blood, she faked her death and fled the hell she once knew as home. In one last flash of jealousy, the man she once called 'Brother' refused to honour her memory with a pyre and a eulogy." Once again, Sarabi lowered her head. When she looked back up, tears freely ran down her face in pale rivers.

"And so, the girl who became a woman became more than a woman. She became Uchiha Sarabi; an embodiment of tragic loss and vengeance." Sarabi concluded her tale to varied reactions.

Itachi had lowered his blades and seemed to be contemplating to feel anger or sympathy for his estranged aunt.

Kurenai was hot with fury and wanted to murder Sarabi in payment for her sister's life.

Kisame and Kakashi had expressions of shock on their faces. Kisame, because he knew Sarabi had had something she wanted taken from her, but he never thought it would be this serious. Kakashi, because he never knew that the Uchiha woman, whose accomplishments had become almost stuff of myths, had had her life so unceremoniously swept from under her feet.

Gai and Deidara looked like they were falling victims to Sarabi's declaration of at least one of them being brought to tears by the sheer sadness of the heroine's tragic downfall.

Asuma looked so unhappy that he almost felt like marching up to his former girlfriend, kissing her and trying to make up. Almost.

"And now, I have returned... to exact vengeance upon those who robbed me of all that has made me happy in life." she said as she quickly yanked her blades from their sheathes.

"ITACHI!" the voice of a young man bellowed. The addressed man turned calmly to lay red eyes upon none other than his foolish little brother, sprinting across the water and churning it up with a ball of lightning in his left hand.

'_Great, one problem after another. This is definitely getting checked off as one of my FUBAR months.'_ Itachi grumbled mentally as he prepared to derail the speeding Crazy Train of Emoness.

But before he could catch Sasuke's arm and sprain it, Sarabi darted in front of him and slammed her palm into Sasuke's forehead, effectively stopping his advance. She wheeled up her right arm, still holding her sword, and brought it forwards like a swing full of a baby called pain, drilling her fist into Sasuke's face.

The self-proclaimed avenger stumbled back at the sheer force of the blow and fell down on his butt. His Chidori had fizzled out when he stopped concentrating. He clutched his freely bleeding nose and looked up angrily at his attacker.

"Hey kiddo, let an auntie talk to her nephew in peace, will ya?" Sarabi snapped. Sasuke's Sharingan eyes went from enraged to confused in zero seconds flat. He looked to his brother, his expression of confusion remaining firm. Itachi sighed.

"Sasuke, this is Uchiha Sarabi. Apparently, she is Father's estranged sister who faked her death and ran shortly after I was born and was never spoken of afterwards." Itachi summed up. Sasuke looked even more shocked, if at all possible.

"Aunt?" Sasuke repeated. Sarabi took that as a hint as to who Sasuke was.

"Oh ho! The slut and my brother got busy again after I left, eh? Goody! One more person to kill!" Sarabi began to clap her hands and jump for joy like a thirteen-year-old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert **(God, I hate those little faggots...)**.

"Kill me? What? What is going on here?" Sasuke asked with a little hint of his normal superiority complex trickling back into his voice as he stood back up.

"Long story short foolish little brother, Aunt Crazy here could have had the title of clan head if Father and Mother hadn't married and produced us." Itachi deadpanned.

"Yup! Now it's time for me to kill you all! SQUEEEEEE!" Sarabi started to act even more like a little girl. Kisame smacked his head again.

"For the last time, that is _not_ why we're here you clan-killing fucktard!" he groaned. Sarabi stopped hopping and a twinkle of sanity returned to her mutated Sharingan eyes.

"Oh yeah, right. But we'll never get to find our gold-topped prize now. Damn, maybe I shouldn't have done the whole monologue thing." Sarabi pondered. The Konoha Jounin immediately took the words 'gold-topped prize' as some sort of cryptic clue.

"Gee, ya think?! I'm surprised half the ANBU aren't coming down on us at this point!" Kisame said angrily, grinding his teeth together and actually generating sparks.

"Oh well. I know who you all are, so I guess I'll just have to kill you later." Sarabi moved into a stance that signified she was about to bail.

"And what makes you think we're just going to let you leave?" Kakashi asked as he prepared a seal. Sarabi's look went from sane to extremely dangerous.

"Nothing. I _know_ we're going to escape because I can do _this_." she said as her Sharingan darkened once again. When Itachi, Asuma and Sasuke were able to get a closer look, they noted that the four tomoe in her eyes had fused into a shape that looked like an upright shuriken.

'_That m__ust be her Mangekyō Sharingan.' _Itachi noted as he readied himself for the unthinkable. Sasuke looked horrified; the last time he had been on the receiving end of one of those Sharingan, he'd had to watch his family die over and over again for seventy-two hours.

With one final insane grin and a wink to top it off, Sarabi... vanished.

Like Kakashi, everyone noted the silence and lack of chakra smoke given off to indicate the use of a Shunshin, or the telltale pop of some form of clone.

It made what happened next seem that much scarier.

Time almost seemed to slow down as Sarabi showed the Konoha nin and Deidara why she had survived for so long. She winked into existence in midair between the two brothers with her right leg out, slamming the top of her foot into Sasuke's face and then Itachi's as she spun about. Both of them were thrown from their feet and crackled with electric chakra. Almost as soon as she had appeared and everyone started to react, she winked out again.

She reappeared behind Asuma and directly above him, driving her knees into his shoulders and slamming him under the water, stunning everyone on the surface with another blast of electricity. Just before her pants got wet, she vanished.

Kurenai felt an iron grip on her wrist and was pulled from her feet. Sarabi had appeared behind her. The insane woman grunted as she threw Kurenai straight into the raised concrete walk by the riverside. The Yuhi woman's frontside hit the wall with a dull smack. Before Kurenai hit the water and the first drop of her blood fell from the wall, Sarabi was gone again.

Gai doubled over as Sarabi's foot connected with his stomach. He was lifted upwards and backwards by the force, and his back got hit by a second kick from Sarabi, sending him upwards. Sarabi reappeared above him and drove her fist into his face, the blast of chakra accompanying it causing him to fall and slam into the pavement.

Kakashi almost reacted in time when Sarabi appeared in front of him and drove her palm into his chest. He cried in pain when white hot knives seared at his nerves as electricity coursed through his body and he was thrown backwards as though he were a pebble from a slingshot. He hit a large tree and the bark splintered against the impact.

Deidara's eyes bugged out when a fist planted itself in his gut so hard, he was surprised it didn't come out the other side of him. He got struck in the gut several more times before an elbow replaced them and he was driven backwards into the walk. Sarabi winked out before he could topple to the surface of the water.

Kisame was marveling at his companion's brutal efficiency before she winked into existence right in front of him, looking rather paler than usual.

"C'mon!" she grumbled as she took his hand and winked him out with her. It was as though they were never there.

Well, except for the seven shinobi lying in crumpled heaps, some unconscious, some bleeding, some moaning in pain.

Itachi was the first to recover. His brain was still screwy from the electric kick, but he could function fine. He shakily stood up and eyed Deidara, still crumpled and moaning on the surface of the water. Making sure the Jounin and Sasuke were still down, he unsteadily wobbled over and gingerly began to pick Deidara up.

"C'mon Bomb-Brain, up and at er'." Itachi grunted as he slung one of Deidara's shoulders over his back, ignoring the drool from his hands.

It was at that moment that a dozen ANBU materialized by Shunshin, surrounding him and Deidara with their blades drawn and pointing directly at him.

Itachi knew he was screwed. So he did the only thing he knew he could do: He looked up to the sky and cursed.

"Bloody shitcakes!"

* * *

**And here we are with another update! If you like Tropic Thunder, crazy OCs and their wacky powers, please do me a favour and review.**

**Dirty Reid**

**In case you didn't notice, the power was Option 5: Teleportation.**


	8. Elusive

**Master of Puppets, Demolition Chief**

**By: Dirty Reid**

**A.N.: Sorry about the long wait! It's just that college and a brand new Xbox take up a lot of attention and time!**

**Chapter 8: Elusive**

* * *

'_Well ain't this just the bitch,' _Deidara huffed. His thoughts were so due to him being strapped to a very uncomfortable upright gurney. The ANBU hauling him along the halls of the Konohagakure Containment and Correctional Facility weren't too shy about jangling him about so that the steel cuffs that bound his wrists and ankles rubbed against him. Those would be leaving nasty bruises for later.

Itachi wasn't too much better. He was bound to a similar gurney. This one though, had chakra-conducive coils running through it; coils that generated a nasty little shock when some energy was pumped into it. He was blindfolded by a cloth that remained in place through absorption of chakra, just to cap it all off.

Deidara looked away from his fellow captive to get a look at where they were. They were moving through a hall separated by very thick bars, heading into another section titled 'Extreme Incarceration'. In Deidara's experience, any place with the word 'extreme' in it was never a good thing.

"Oh, this can't be good," he muttered uneasily. Perceptive as always, Itachi heard him.

"What's up Dei? Where are we?" he asked. Deidara quickly checked their escorts. He mentally smacked himself for forgetting that they had masks on.

"We're heading for 'Extreme Incarceration'. Is that bad?" The former pyromania terrorist asked. Itachi almost twitched.

"Yeah, it's ARGH-br-br-br-br-br-br!" He began babbling nonsense as he took a jolt from his stun cuffs.

"Quiet, Uchiha," one of the guards ordered, their voice just barely tinged with a bit of feminine reproach. After he stopped panting, Itachi grinned, to Deidara's curiosity.

"Megami-chan, is that you? ANBU at sixteen and my, my, you sound grown up!" Itachi exclaimed to the guard on his left. Megami, as she was called, did not respond. Deidara grinned.

"Old girlfriend, Weasel-Boy?" Deidara asked, unable to keep his grin from widening.

"Nah, I wasn't into dating at that point. She was twelve last time I saw her and had a huge crush on me. Isn't that right Megami-chan?" Itachi asked good-humoredly. While ANBU were not supposed to show emotion in the face of certain death, no one said anything about showing emotion in the face of embarrassment.

"N-no! Shut up!" Megami snapped. Deidara could almost _hear_ the girl blushing.

"Aww, don't be embarrassed Megami! Weasel-Boy's a really hot guy- not that I'm gay or anything, I can just appreciate these things- that you'd only have to be crazy to lock up when you've got him all to yourself!" Deidara piped up. Megami looked down, as though embarrassed. The three other guards, although cursing Itachi and Deidara for screwing with her, were also making sure that they didn't start laughing.

"… Don't call him Weasel-Boy," Megami murmured quietly. Not unnoticed by said Weasel-Boy.

"Aww, thanks for defending me Megami-chan! I'll give you a kiss if you let me go …" Itachi waggled his eyebrows suggestively. The sliver of Megami's ears that were visible became the colour of raw beef.

"C'mon cutie, you know you want-AAAAABR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR!" Itachi erupted in spasms as another blast ran through his stun cuffs.

"That's enough." One of the other guards finally droned. Deidara turned around to analyze the mostly triangular room and saw the cells they were to be placed in. The bars appeared cleft in the middle, maybe able to open sideways. The cells were about four metres by three metres. Steel bed frame and toilet, both fused to the floor. Deidara and Itachi were placed in cells on opposite sides of the room. While Itachi remained blindfolded, Deidara was able to see the control room at the far end of the room. To get to it though, one would have to cross a chakra-conducive floor which fed electrical power cells._ 'Not pleasant,' _Deidara gulped silently.

"Last chance Megami-chan," Itachi crooned in a way that would have made the laywoman melt. Megami though, she kept herself composed as she and her three compatriots left them.

"Well," Itachi sighed from across the room. "That didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped." Deidara grinned and shook his head.

"Don't sweat it 'Tachi, this isn't the worst you've screwed up." Deidara placated his fellow inmate.

"Gee, thanks," Itachi said sarcastically. His brow quickly furrowed. "Wait, what d'you mean, 'this isn't the worst I've screwed up'?" he demanded.

"Umm, that one time in Onnagakure **(Hidden Women)**?" Deidara answered condescendingly. If he had not been blindfolded, Itachi would have given Deidara an affronted look.

"How was that a screw up!? I convinced all of those drop-dead gorgeous women- who wore less than a fur bikini on a daily basis- to let you, Naruto and I sire their daughters! If anything, that was my greatest achievement!" Itachi protested. Deidara rolled his eyes.

"Itachi, did you not hear what they said when you convinced them? 'For trespassing into our home, you will snu-snu with us until you can snu-snu no longer.'? They were going to ride us until our dicks fell off, we died or they killed us! How do you consider that a success?!" Deidara exclaimed.

"… Hmm, I didn't really hear anything after 'snu-snu'. But that's not the point! We could have been gigolos right now instead of locked up in a maximum security facility!" The pink-clad Uchiha defended himself.

"We would have died there because our dicks would have fallen off from overuse!" Deidara's voice started to rise with anger.

Itachi countered "I don't see how having sex for the rest of your life would be a bad thing!"

"Right, just like the stunt you pulled on that tobacco farm wasn't a bad thing either…"

"Oh, I can't _believe_ you're bringing that up…"

* * *

Naruto twirled his goldenrod scroll a couple times before he placed it back into one of his cloak's many pockets. For the last day-and-a-half, he had aided in the reconstruction of Konoha in between quality time with Kin. The girl still reverted to a state of semi-shock after her near-death experience with Orochimaru- the man who had given her asylum, power and a purpose- every now and then. Fortunately for Naruto, the prescription was plenty of hugs and kisses. He was never one to turn down puppy love when he had gotten none of it during his childhood.

On the negative end of the ballast though, Naruto knew he was being watched constantly. He never saw his pursuants, but he knew they were there. As it was, he simply went about helping out around the village, spending time with Kin, just menial tasks. Unfortunately though, he being watched kept him from busting Deidara-nii and Itachi out of the slammer. He wasn't even sure he could do that anyways. Though loathe admitting it, he knew he wasn't _that_ good.

'_They're resourceful guys, they'll figure something out.'_ Naruto assured himself. Sasori-nii and Zetsu had buggered off to who knows where, and Naruto couldn't find them either. Not that he would endanger them by seeking them out anyways.

"Hey kid!" A voice that had very recently become familiar called. Naruto stopped ambling aimlessly and turned his head, raising the anterior portion of his straw hat to confirm it was Jiraiya walking briskly to catch up to him.

"Can I help you Jiraiya-san?" he asked neutrally. He prayed mentally that the reason one of the most powerful shinobi in the country had sought him out had nothing to do with his ties to the criminal world.

"Indeed you can," he answered. While his tone was mostly neutral, with a slight tinge of joviality in it, Naruto felt no less unnerved.

"I was just offered the position of Hokage, but I know I ain't cut out for that job. I'm about to go out and find someone I know can do it, and I want you to come with me." Jiraiya explained. Genuinely curious, Naruto turned around.

"And why is that?" he asked, being careful to keep his tone neutral instead of guarded.

"As awesome as I am, trying to find her on my own would take months. I've heard that you're quite accomplished, but even the seemingly greatest shinobi is not bereft of weakness." He said sagely, his eyes becoming distant. As if mirroring him, Naruto's thoughts drifted to Sarutobi Hiruzen. Konoha would never be the same without him.

"Think of it as repaying a debt, too." Jiraiya murmured as an afterthought. Naruto blinked. Of course he would say that. Wanting to ensure the success of a former student's progeny seemed reasonable enough to Naruto, but the blonde still felt that the old man was hiding something. The only other motives Naruto could think of that could possibly be going through Jiraiya's head was that he (Jiraiya) wanted to protect him, or ensure that he couldn't get to Itachi and Deidara. Saying that probably wouldn't be the wisest decision.

"… Sure," Naruto shrugged, "I was getting bored here anyways. I'll have my supplies ready in five." He said as he used the Hiru Banshō to sink into the ground.

"East Gate!" Jiraiya called just before Naruto vanished completely.

* * *

"Honey, I'm home!" Naruto called. When no response came, Naruto's brows knitted as he quickened his pace into his home. His uneasiness melted away when he saw Kin asleep on the couch. He grinned a little at the sheer cuteness that was his tousle-haired girlfriend. He slowly walked up to her and trialed his left index finger down her cheek. Kin shivered and groggily opened her eyes. She smiled happily and stood to hug Naruto when she saw it was him.

"Kin-chan, I'm going to be leaving the village for a little bit." Naruto stated. Kin pulled back from her hug to stare at him.

"Why? What is it?" she asked as her brows knit.

"Jiraiya's asked me to help him find the best person for the position of Godaime. He says that she's really hard to trace, so he could use the help of someone 'accomplished' like me. I didn't say it, but I think he's hiding something from me." Naruto explained.

"What do you think it is?" Kin asked.

"Not sure, but clearly it's something beyond the scope of my powers." Naruto answered as he went off to gather some food stuffs and camping tools. "Guess this means I'll just have to be extra careful while we're out on this Hokage hunt." Naruto finished as he sealed his tools (and a small bag of weed) into a single black scroll. As he placed it into one of the pockets of his cloak, he returned to Kin and lightly wrapped his arms around her. Kin smiled as he leaned forwards and pressed his lips to hers. They lingered in their lover's embrace for a moment before separating with a faint smack.

"Love you," Naruto whispered.

"Love you too," Kin answered, smiling again as he sank into the floor.

* * *

Jiraiya was surprised that Naruto actually showed up five minutes later, scrolls rubbing against the inside of his cloak. He was expecting to wait for maybe eight or nine.

"Where do we start?" Naruto asked.

"If I know her, she'll be in a town with a large gambling sect. The closest possibility is a place called Nyota. Should be a day's walk." Jiraiya answered as he began to exit the gate. He stopped when he noted that Naruto was not following.

"You comin'?" he asked. Naruto said noting as he fiddled with the clay in his hands.

"Yeah, yeah, hold on a sec…" Naruto mumbled before he tossed his clay up into the air. _BANG! _Jiraiya jumped a little when a large clay eagle fluttered down to the ground. Naruto wasted no time in vaulting onto its back.

"You comin'?" Naruto asked cheekily. Jiraiya shook his head with a grin as he jumped easily onto the eagle. The animated clay avian beat its huge wings and departed the ground. As Konoha became smaller, Naruto looked at it forlornly.

'_Deidara-nii, Itachi-nii…'_ he murmured internally _'please be okay,'_

* * *

Night had fallen inside the Containment Facility. Neither Deidara nor Itachi were particularly enjoying themselves. Deidara despised not being able to move about very much, and the food sucked. Itachi despised not being able to remove the blindfold on his head, and the food sucked. All in all, the food sucked.

"Itachi, we have _got_ to figure out a way to get out of here." Deidara said after a long bout of silence, dropping his characteristic 'yeah' in such a serious predicament. The torture of a sleepless night was shared by Itachi.

"I _knoooooow_," Itachi moaned. They had had this talk so many times that he had almost memorized it word for word.

"No, I mean we _have _to get out of here. Based on what Zetsu said to us a little while ago, those Akatsuki guys should be starting to hunt for the Jinchuriki right about now. Naruto's good, but standing up to us is different, because he _knows _how we fight. _They_ on the other hand, are complete wild cards." Deidara elaborated. Itachi stopped to consider this for a moment.

"Point," he said finally. "But how the hell do we get out of here? You don't have any clay to blast through this place, and I can't exactly go around using Amaterasu or people will know we flew the coop." Itachi reasoned.

"Maybe make a huge ruckus and take the investigating ANBU hostage?" Deidara suggested. Had he not been blindfolded, Itachi would have given the explosives expert a 'WTF Look'.

"How stupid do you think those _ANBU_ are? They weren't just handed those masks on a whim, you idiot." Itachi snapped quietly.

"Okay, okay! Sheesh, there's no need to be mean." Deidara grumbled. Itachi remained silent for a moment.

"How good are you at acting?" Itachi asked. Deidara quirked his visible eyebrow.

"What does that have to do with anything?" the blonde asked.

"What we'll do is have you fake an illness, and when the ANBU come to cart you off, you take them out- having the element of surprise- and bust me out." Itachi explained. Deidara evaluated the situation in silence.

"… Okay, while that is a fairly good idea, I'm putting that in the 'Maybe' column because of my not-so-great taijutsu skills. It's a good plan, but there are too many weak spots." Deidara answered after his analysis. Itachi nodded in silent agreement.

"Any con-artist exit strategies won't work on shinobi, so there's a whole list of possibilities down the tubes…" Deidara rested his chin on his hand. For the next fifteen minutes, the 'Extreme Incarceration' chamber was filled with ideas the thief and the traitor bounced off of each other.

"Smash n' Bash?"

"Too simple; brute force doesn't cut it. Dig our way out?"

"With _what_?"

"… Good point."

"I swear trying to think of a good prison break attempt is harder than sitting the ANBU Theory Exams."

"Well I wouldn't know, Mr. Uber-Genius." Deidara grumbled. He sat back and looked at one of the walls. As he scanned the scratches that counted days and said many different words and phrases. As he stared at them absently for a moment, one particular section of scratches caught his eye. Curious, Deidara tore off a small section of his sleeve and ignited it with a severely underpowered Katon jutsu. In the dim and flickering light, Deidara read the scratchings, a cross between a smile and a frown developing on his face.

'_This is either the greatest jutsu ever invented, or whoever drew it up was totally coked out of their gourd. Worth a shot.' _Deidara concluded. He looked over the seal sequence (it was a long one) and began to go through it slowly. His Uchiha companion felt the change in chakra movement from his partner.

"Deidara? What are you doing?" he asked, sincerely hoping Deidara wasn't about to use some highly destructive jutsu to bust them out. His reputation in Konoha was bad enough as it was. He didn't need to add a prison break onto the extensive amount of crimes he had been charged for.

"You'll see!" Deidara declared smugly. Itachi felt a vein pop on his forehead. Deidara, sensing Itachi's irritation, simply laughed as he finished the seventy-seven seal sequence and announced the name of the technique.

"Deus Ex Machina no jutsu!"

Silence. Dead silence. If the floor hadn't been so hard, Itachi would have face-faulted.

"… You _cannot_ be serious." He groaned. Deidara remained still for a moment before he turned to look across the room at his partner-in-jail.

"What?" he asked. "The guy who scratched it on the wall seemed to know what he was talking about!" he defended. Itachi slapped his head.

"'Deus Ex Machina no jutsu'? That has to be the most retarded attempt at a prison break attempt I've ever heard of! Don't you think that if that worked, it would have gotten out by now?" Itachi hissed.

"How often are people brought in here?" Deidara retorted crossly. "D'you maybe think that the guards would disregard anything the possibly insane prisoners in here scratch on the walls? I mean, if you were watching over someone insane in here, would you pay attention to them if they were scratching on the walls, let al-"

"Shhhh!" Itachi hissed. "Someone's coming!" He threw himself back on his bed and convincingly managed to feign sleep. Deidara lowered his torso to his bunk and turned his head to the side of his cell. The footsteps that he had not heard over his ranting were not loud to begin with, but he could still pick them up. The large bulkhead door clanked quietly and slid open with an almost imperceptible groan of metal on metal; a testament to the sheer amount of money and maintenance Konoha put into its detainment facilities.

Deidara refused to roll over and observe the three ANBU in the room, as that would immediately tip them off that he was awake. He heard their footsteps moving towards the middle of the block and vanish into the control room. Silence ensued for a moment before he heard a soft whine as the locks on the retractable bars disengaged. The sound of the footsteps returned and shuffled off to Itachi's side of the block, where the bars opened slightly.

"Come Uchiha, we-" the voice of a male ANBU cut off with a faint sound of flesh hitting flesh emitted. Deidara turned over to see the second ANBU turning to their smaller companion, only to fall to Itachi's hand clenching down upon a nerve at the junction of their neck and shoulder. Deidara watched as the second ANBU fell while saying nothing. Inside his head though, a chibi version of him was dancing around and screaming crazily.

'_AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Deus Ex Machina no jutsu worked! How's _that_ for a retarded attempt at a prison break, Weasel-Boy?! Everybody do the Deidara-Dance! W00T!!1!ONE!!'_

Itachi though, was quite bewildered. He sputtered in surprise when the blindfold was lifted from his head, and he was able to look upon the chestnut ponytail and crane mask of his 'dear' Megami-chan. Megami flicked her mask up to reveal a face that could only be described as 'Unhealthily Cute'. _'That's a face that'll never get ugly.' _Itachi noted.

"Megami-chan, to what do I-" Itachi halted his sarcastic remark when Megami seized his head and yanked his lips to hers. The pink Uchiha's eyes bulged momentarily before he gently ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her back. Deidara simply watched in amusement. After Megami had locked lips with Itachi for almost thirty seconds, he cleared his throat loudly.

"While I'm not above being the audience for a prison porno, I'd rather not do it in a cell. A little help, please!" Deidara demanded with a large grin. Itachi and Megami parted with a loud smack of the lips. Megami flushed furiously, hurrying over to Deidara's cell and unlocking it. Itachi had pried the garments from the smaller ANBU, and was pulling them on over his own clothing. Deidara hurried over to the taller ANBU and followed Itachi's lead.

"A 'retarded attempt at a prison break attempt' eh? Eat your heart out, Mr. Cynical." Deidara whispered smugly. Itachi narrowed his eyes.

"There's no proof of that. She could have been coming to bust us out and you doing that 'jutsu' just happened to fall within the same time frame." He pointed out.

"Bullshit. You just don't want to admit I'm right." Deidara shot back as he placed a Henge- overlaid by a genjutsu- over his ANBU to make him resemble the blonde and placed him in his former cell. Itachi followed suit as Megami tapped her foot impatiently. They finished donning their disguises and placing their decoys into the cells before Megami locked them up and they exited the block.

They moved through the facility with absolutely no trouble. No one even said anything when they entered the 'Confiscated Objects' room to retrieve the two former prisoners' effects. As soon as they went through the hidden exit disguised as the back of a broom closet in the Hokage Tower and jumped out the window, Megami picked up the pace. In silence and shadows, they whisked through the forest to a less guarded area near the East Gate.

After ensuring they were alone, Itachi lifted his lizard mask. Megami did not object when he similarly lifted her mask to look into her eyes.

"Thank you, Megami-chan." He said softly. Megami failed to keep a small amount of satisfaction from twinkling in her eyes as she wrapped Itachi up in a kiss again. Deidara rolled his eyes as the two Konoha nin made out. He reached into his pouch and began to sculpt their escape transport. He was almost finished when they two teenagers parted.

"Be careful Ita-kun," Megami whispered. Deidara cocked one of his eyebrows at the affectionate nickname. He looked at Megami, and could have sworn he saw fear run through her eyes. _'For Itachi's safety, or because she just busted two dangerous criminals out of a maximum security prison? It's probably both; I'd be scared as hell.' _Deidara concluded. Itachi, apparently, was thinking the exact same thing.

"I will come back for you Megami-chan. I swear." Itachi vowed solemnly, pressing his forehead to hers and stroking her cheeks. Megami sniffed unhappily before stealing one last kiss from her crush. They parted slowly and never ceased looking into each other's eyes, even as Deidara's transport lifted Itachi to the heavens. When Megami was visible no longer, Itachi turned to look forwards with Deidara.

"Were you just saying that because the moment called for it?" Deidara asked as he removed his fish mask.

"No. After what she did for us, the least I can do is bust her out if she gets locked up for treason. Plus, she's really cute and she likes me." Itachi replied simply.

"Good point." Deidara agreed with a small nod. "Where to?" he asked.

"We need to get away from Konoha, link up with Sasori and Zetsu. They'll be the ones who know the most about these Akatsuki, and where to find them."

"Alright. We'll have to sweep the surrounding villages. If anything, they wouldn't have gone far from Konoha." Deidara concluded aloud, commanding their large bird to ascend into the sky, carrying them off into the cloudy darkness.

Though he said nothing, Itachi was well aware that someone very familiar was trying their hardest to follow them.

* * *

The search for Tsunade was not going particularly well. Jiraiya and Naruto had searched every town they had come to from top to bottom, and had only received confirmation that the blonde Sannin had been there anywhere from one to four months ago. On the plus side, Naruto's expert skills in thievery and tricks allowed for him and Jiraiya to hustle a moderate amount of cash along the way. No complaints there.

Currently, Naruto was holed up in their small hotel room and working on his latest project. At first, he had felt bad about this project, feeling as though it was disrespectful to the deceased- who had been rather close to him- but had shaken the feeling from his heart. He made sure that he kept telling himself that kicking ass with this puppet would ensure that its original analog would never be forgotten. The fact that Jiraiya had chosen him to accompany him on his quest to find Tsunade only reinforced his gut feeling that someone or some_thing_ was hunting him; all the more reason to complete this project.

_Knock knock_

Naruto looked up from braiding a steel cable to the door he was sitting diagonally to. He frowned; Jiraiya couldn't have finished his sweep and random acts of lechery so quickly. Paranoid he was, but someone randomly knocking on his door could be nothing but trouble. Whoever was there knocked again. Clearly they were impatient. Also not good. Naruto reached into one of his clay packs, gathering a few small pellets. As his palm-mouth chewed on the clay, his uninvited guest rapped harder on the door. His heart began to beat faster as his time grew short. His palm-mouth finished chewing and spat out the wad of clay. Naruto did not bother to mould it into anything but a marble-sized ball as he sealed his project into his 'Elite' puppet scroll and began a slow walk towards the door after mapping out his exit. Adrenaline roared through his system as he turned the door and looked up at his uninvited guests.

They wore black cloaks with red clouds on them. _'SHIT! Akatsuki!' _Naruto cursed as cold pinpricks began to sprout all along his body. He looked at the shinobi on the left, and immediately discovered why Kisame had been called 'Demon Shark'. The blue man was nearly seven feet tall. If his wide cloak said anything about him, it was that he was more heavily muscled than any shinobi Naruto knew, with the exception of the Bakemono before Naruto had slain him and turned him into a puppet. Kisame carried a large object on his back. Not having a good view of it, Naruto presumed it was a club of some sort.

Despite being very physically imposing, Naruto felt nowhere near as scared of Kisame as he was of his companion.

The slight figure and shorter stature, accompanied by the dark sheet of hair and attractive face identified the second as female. Her white face looked almost doll-like in its aristocratic beauty. Over her back rested two blades Naruto identified as some elongated variant of butterfly knives. As his gaze moves away from her torso, he noticed her eyes were bright red out of his peripheral vision, and immediately stopped turning his head to focus on her face.

"Smart kid." The Uchiha woman remarked, no small hint of amusement in her soft voice. "Not exactly hard on the eyes either." She added. Despite the dire situation he was in, Naruto still felt it was necessary to roll his eyes at the comment that damaged the serious atmosphere.

"You don't have to hit on everything, you know." Kisame grumbled.

"You're right, I don't." she answered. "But it's fun."

"It's also kinda creepy when the person you're hitting on is less than half your age." Kisame shot back. The woman glared at him.

"Shut up!" She snapped. That half-second of indiscretion was all that Naruto needed. Funneling chakra to his legs, he launched himself backwards with the force of a cannonball. As he soared through the air, he tossed the clay marble at the two Akatsuki, who had reacted immediately and were advancing into the room. With a vindictive smirk, Naruto released a brief pulse of chakra.

_**BANG!**_

While the blast was not the level necessary to level a small apartment complex, it served more as a flash-bang grenade. It lit up in a brilliant flash of pale yellow, and the explosion was sure to be heard several kilometers away. Naruto felt his eardrums screaming in pain as he smashed through the window, riding the concussive blast and increasing his speed. He twisted himself around, took a hold of his fox-decaled cloak and pushed chakra into the microfilament mesh sewn into the cloak. _WhCRACK! _The cloak became rigid and caught the air with the force of a lash against flesh. Naruto's velocity dropped as he angled himself into a glide into the alley. As soon as he hit the ground, he threw off his cloak, a clear identifying feature, and placed it beside a dumpster. He walked briskly out of the alley and merged with the small crowd of people. Right now, hiding in plain sight was the best strategy he could think of.

It wasn't the most effective plan though. Naruto's chakra reserves towered over those around him by several orders of magnitude. A mere moment after he began his subtle getaway, several kunai and shuriken whistled through the air. Instincts flaring, Naruto lunged out of their path and ascended to the nearest rooftop so as not to endanger the panicking civilian populace. Naruto turned and scooped up another mouthful of clay as Kisame and the Uchiha woman rose to meet him.

"… Before we commence with the ass-kicking, I have to ask: Who the hell are you?" Naruto asked the woman. "Itachi told me he wiped out every Uchiha but his brother."

The woman gave a condescending chuckle. "Itachi can't kill clan members that he never knew existed." She explained. Naruto blinked.

"Listen kid, you've pissed me off plenty, but I'm still offering you two choices. One, you can come with us quietly and we don't harm you. Or two, you can resist, and we will mess you up in the worst ways we can think of." Kisame growled rather loudly, still recovering from Naruto's flash-bang bomb. Naruto's palm-mouth finished chewing the wad and spat it into his closed palm.

"Y'know Kisame, I think you'd be a riot to actually work with." Naruto remarked. The shark man cocked one of his eyebrows at the comment, unsure of whether to take it as a compliment.

"Trust me cutie, he ain't." The Uchiha woman answered for her fishy friend. Said fishy friend glared at her for a moment.

"Be that as it may…" Naruto sighed and steeled himself, "but I'm gonna have to go with option three: Escaping you with a bang!" Naruto declared as he poured chakra into his clay wad.

Fate though, had other plans. Murphy, who had just finished making the fickle bitch of a deity scream his name, cackled as he channeled his influence into the chain of events to follow.

Naruto turned to hear footsteps along the far roof. He groaned when he saw the form of his 'favourite' avenger charging at the woman, kunai in hand.

"Sarabi!" he roared, presumably at the woman. The addressee shifted her gaze calmly to Sasuke. Her red eyes darkened for the blink of an eye and she simply vanished. She reappeared and caught Sasuke by the throat. The avenger choked as he was brutally stopped. He shifted his vengeful gaze to Sarabi. Clearly, Naruto surmised, that was the wrong thing to do. Sasuke quickly looked horrified and began screaming. Kisame was also riveted in interest. The ear-splitting cries rent the air for all of thirty seconds before Sarabi released the comatose boy.

"Now let me see, where were we?" she asked far too cheerfully. Naruto began to sweat in fear. He did _not_ want to end up like Sasuke.

"I think we were at the part where you left." Said a voice that made Naruto drop his bomb and deflate in relief. He looked to his left to see none other than his sensei and protector, Jiraiya of the Sannin.

Kisame grit his teeth barely noticeably. Sarabi narrowed her darkening eyes. She winked out again, reappearing behind Kisame, grabbing him around the waist, and winking out again. For almost a minute, nothing happened.

"Well that was… anticlimactic." Jiraiya remarked. Naruto nodded.

"No shit. Thanks for the save. C'mon, let's get Dead-Weight over there to a hospital." Naruto picked Sasuke up, slinging him roughly over his shoulder and walking towards the northern side of their town to retrieve his cloak and find the hospital. Jiraiya, still a little put off by the lack of a fight, jogged to catch up.

'_This hasn't been the weirdest day of my life, but it's definitely up there…'_

* * *

**FINALLY! WEEKS OF SLAVING AWAY FINALLY PAID OFF! Anyhoo…**

**I've been getting a lot of PMs asking about when I'll update fics such as 'The Reaper's Art'. Well, let me tell you now that I update my fics in the order of whichever one has been static the longest. As of now updating Master of Puppets, the order I will update my stories in is as follows:**

**Alliances Across the Universe**

**A Swordsman's Road**

**The Reaper's Art**

**The Spider Fox**

**King of the Hive**

**Division Wars**

**All Manner of Horror**

**Death's Apprentice and Heaven's Hand**

**In addition, PLEASE MAKE YOUR REVIEW CONSTRUCTIVE! If you don't know how, see the following:**

**Tell me whether you liked this installment**

**Tell me what you SPECIFICALLY liked**

**Tell me what you specifically DIDN'T like**

**Recommend a suitable improvement.**

**And once again, please see my profile for your shot at writing a completely original crossover fic. Send me a PM if you wish to take up the challenge.**

**Dirty Reid**


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